Tuesday, January 17, 2006
somehow,
try as i may,
i can't get over what the principle told me yesterday
gee.
that rhymes.
out of point.
anyway,
her words still echo so clearly in my head
"you have to grow up, and grow up quickly"
thinking about it,
i just feel,
and hell do i feel so very strongly,
that she didn't know me.
she wasn't there and she didn't know me when i was 6,
somehow knowing that the lady in front of me was daddy's girlfriend but not wanting myself to think that.
she wasn't there and she didn't know me when i was 7,
still waiting excitedly at the airport for daddy to come home from vietnam.
she wasn't there,
and she didn't know me when i was 8,
one afternoon sitting on daddy's lap for a photograph at city hall,
where starbucks used to be,
in my little black and white tweety bird dress.
and by the end of the following year,
pushing my own daddy out the gate and telling him to go away
cos mummy was crying.
she didn't know how hard it was for me then,
to hear the screams,
the shouts.
and she doesn't know how hard it is for me now,
to not hear his voice every single day.
she wasn't there,
and she didn't know me when i was 10,
during the christmas holidays,
when mummy and daddy were friends again and i thought they'd be getting back together,
when instead,
the divorce was finalized,
not long before christmas.
she wasn't there when my daddy told me at his apartment,
during dinner.
she wasn't there when i told daddy that half the world might not wanna live with the other half of the world and the world still doesn't split into half.
she wasn't there and she didn't know me when i ran into daddy's living room,
not thinking i was going to cry,
and only crying when he came to get me.
she didn't see the tears as he squatted down in front of me to explain and all i could do was kick him away and tell him how much i hated him.
yes,
i told my father i hated him even though i never meant it.
she wasn't there when i was 11,
and during detention my sister's form teacher came to see me.
and she told me that mummy's very busy as a single mom
so i'm gonna have to be janice's second mother.
no,
she wasn't there.
she was there at the musical though,
that was the year we first met.
that was the year she felt proud of me,
and i suppose,
probably the only time she'll ever be proud of me.
yes,
she was there at the musical,
but she wasn't there the year after,
when daddy stopped talking to me because when i invited him and my stepmom to the musical,
i referred to her as "your wife".
nope,
she didn't know about that.
she didn't know about the 5 year old,
back in 241 who dreamt night after night to get her own bedroom,
but couldn't because daddy sleeps in the guest bedroom.
she didn't see the 8 year old who cried so softly while watching dumbo,
pretending she couldn't hear the shouts and the yells from inside the bedroom.
she didn't see the 9 year old,
who slammed the door for the first time in her life,
sink against it slowly, crying,
wishing it would all disappear.
the same 9 year old who ended up physically pushing daddy away.
she didn't see the last look her daddy gave her as he slowly turned and walked away that night.
she didn't see that the 9 year old was torn up inside and all she really wanted to do was say
"daddy,come back. just be nice to mummy"
she didn't hear the prayers of the 9 year old,
the ten year old or the 11 year old everynight.
where each prayer and each wish,
was to have mummy and daddy come back together again.
she didn't see the envy in the 11 year old's eyes when a classmate told the class her parents were seperated but had been secretly meeting in the park and had decided to get back together.
she didn't see the 12 year old at youth camp,
trying so hard to begin to forgive her father and crying for the first time,
during prayer.
and right now,
she doesn't see this 14 going on 15 year old
who sits in front of this computer at 12.16am,
crying so hard,
as she types out all those memories she thought she had left behind so very long ago
and i don't know if she sees that she's the one who has raked it all up again.
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:20 PM
peeeeektooores!(: