Friday, September 30, 2005
my hands,
bruised and swollen
my fingers,
cut and bleeding
i know my tears are of self pity,
but can i help it?
can anyone else,
if in my situation?
i am the only one in my whole class,
and possibly even the whole level,
who wants to go into the art class.
His class in particular,
Mr. Leow's class.
yet i am probably the only one who can't do a simple paper cut properly.
the only one who struggles with such a simple piece
while others work,
in a matter or hours,
complicated and well designed art pieces.
i am likely to be the only who who'll fail.
then what happens?
when my grades aren't good
and when the one thing i don't have to study for is still messed up when done by me.
what happens i ask?
what happens?
Dear Father,
it's your daughter speaking here.
she's lost Father,
she doesn't know what to do.
she's in despair Father,
and she feels ever so alone.
how can something she loves so much be so hard Father?
and how can the world turn its back on her when she's the most alone?
but i Thank You Father,
for mummy,
the only person who was there.
Father,
help.
i'm tired and i don't know what to do.
i'm lost Father,
and i don't know where to go.
help Father,
help.
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:51 AM
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no one listens
no one hears
i talk
but no one's really here.
sometimes all you need is someone to listen you know?
sometimes all you want is someone to pretend they're paying attention.
but then,
sometimes all you get is
well,
nothing.
cos you're speaking but no one's really listening.
everyone wants to be listened to,
everyone wants to be heard
someone doesn't always have to lose out you know,
someone doesn't always have to give
thinking about it,
how'd you survive,
no one to hear you out,
how'd you live?
i'm talking,
but no one's listening.
i'm speaking
but no one hears anything.
everyone's here,
but i'm alone.
the silence rings loud
no one can hear my shouts.
i'm screaming but the buzz of life drowns me out
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:30 AM
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Thursday, September 29, 2005
I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I don't listen anyway:
You ignore me,
And I'll never be what you want me to be.
And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, not a man
You can take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here all alone
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here
And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me,
'Cause I'm not here
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can break me
As long as I know who I am
And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me, But I'm still here
They can't tell me who to be,
'Cause I'm not what they see
And the world is still sleepin',
While I keep on dreamin' for me
And they'll want to just whispers,
And lies that I'll never believe.
And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now, 'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one,
'Cause I'm still here
I'm still here.
I'm still here.
I'm still here
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:29 PM
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
it's easy to tell when something's up with a person.
especially so if that person is someone you love so very much
but there's really nothing you can do if that person keeps insisting nothing's wrong
there's really nothing you can do
not until that person decides and chooses to tell you
not until that person gets tired of ignoring you
and until then,
you just have to watch from a distance.
wanting so much to be there for that person and yet,
you can't
until then,
you cry from a distance but you pretend it's ok
so no one will know how much it hurts you to see someone you love hurt so much
so i'm not in school right now
but i'll be going soon.
yeap.
promise
english oral today,
can't afford to miss that
and i don't want to miss physics either
i went back to an old friend last night.
talked for a long time
about everything
and yet,
nothing in particular
mummy said i havn't laughed like that in a long time
and i must admit,
it was fun
fun catching up, fun laughing,
and fun forgetting for a while
so to that close friend of mine,
thank you for being there(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:23 AM
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
how is he?
not talking to me?
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:51 PM
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don't live your life regretting
don't give up now and look back
don't ever look back and wonder why
don't ever look back and want to cry
don't live in the present realizing your folly,
so that you'll look back and only see your own stupidity.
don't live your life regretting
don't give up now and look back
don't ever look back and wonder why
don't ever look back and want to cry
put yourself in their shoes
feel the feelings that they probably do
then maybe you'll see their point of view
then maybe you'll understand
then maybe you'll see them for them
don't live your life regretting
don't give up now and look back
don't ever look back and wonder why
don't ever look back and want to cry
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:50 PM
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i realized i'm not through with hating myself.
and i have reason to as well.
for being a disappointment,
for letting people down time and time again,
for trying to help and failing to,
falling flat on my face.
for breaking promises.
i love you,
you need to know that
i care
and i hate seeing you sad
i want to be there for you,
i want to so much
but if i'm only always being pushed away
i can't do as such.
baby you don't know how it hurts,
watching from a distance
knowing but yet
almost not sure.
maybe it's just me
maybe it's just us.
maybe it's always like this.
maybe..someone tell me what i'm doing here please.
what i'm doing about 6 days away from my examination,
one day closer to my art exam's due date
and yet,
still like this.
asking myself questions,
wondering when all i should immerse myself in is studying.
someone tell me,
please.
and save me from myself.
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:47 PM
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Monday, September 26, 2005
she asked the class a question,
self-consciously,
i asked her if a particular answer was possible
doing my best not ot draw attention to myself of course,
just in case i got the answer the wrong.
she said there weren't any rules against such answers and asked me to give it a try,
cautiously, i would say,
i gave her my answer.
watching her reaction carefully.
she smiled.
at first she seemed to smile at my silliness,
then she smiled a wider smile as she said i got the right answer.
that smile,
her smile,
made me feel like i had achieved and accomplished something
and i wanted to stay in that moment just a a bit longer.
math ain't so bad
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:41 PM
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Sunday, September 25, 2005
something i came up with at the bus stop on my way to school:
he leaned in to give her a quick kiss on her lips before getting himself out of the car.
another long day to go, he sighed.
glancing around self-consciously before walking up the steps and down again into the subway.
as she drove off, she felt a slight pang of guilt at not being able to drop him off at his office like she normally did.
Hope he'll be ok, she said aloud in the empty car.
as if he had heard her, she received a text message that exact moment from her husband:
hello darling,i just got onto the train. it's much more crowded and noisy than our car i must say, but i'll be ok.
don't worry about me so much honey, i know you always do. take care of yourself,
i love you
love, sweet love.
it's so beautiful.
all i saw was this indian guy kissing his wife as he got out of the car and into the train station.
but it's so cute.
it's these little tiny gestures that count:)
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:28 PM
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005
hell,
school pissed me off today.
i think she's a really nice person,
fun, and a great friend.
but i don't like her as a teacher.
i almost hate her though this sounds so horrible especially when she's so sweet.
so yeaa,
she's annoyed at me cos i'm always missing school.
and today she went in a tight voice
"you'd better not miss anymore school.i'm annoyed charis, very annoyed"
if anyone knowing me reads this,
you'd know i get pissed at being told to do stuff,
especially like this.
if it weren't for exams around the corner,
hell, i'd skip school a couple more times just to piss her off.
as is,
i won't.
ok,
then there's this stupid fat bitch who sits in the office,
to bloody dumb to teach so she's here,
at this job,
being mean to students and her own little daughter.
occassionally selling crisps as an extra thing, but then she ends up eating them herself.
so anywayy,
before i go out to study without anything to study with,
i decide to go up to get my chem notes.
except enling's left with the key so i went to the office to ask for the master key.
she's sitting at the back of the office, not willing to speak up,
not willing to even bloody move her bloody ass a wee bit closer to the bloody window.
the conversation went as follows :
me: good afternoon,i'm a monitress but i don't have my classroom key.
may i have the masterkey?
fat bitch: i sorry, cannot.
me: no, the thing is, i'm actually a monitress
fat bitch: so where's your monitress?
(pause, is this woman like, retarded?)
me: errm, i'm the monitress m'am
fat bitch: *tuts* the one with the classroom key!-obvious irritation in her voice
me: she's left the school already, on her way home.
fat bitch: then you go call her back la!
- she starts laughing through her nose at this point. an extremely stupid laugh i might add, or maybe i'm just saying that cos she's irritated me-
me: -raised eyebrow- i can't exactly do that.
fat bitch: aiya you go ask mr yeo
you know what pissed me off?
not that she wouldn't pass me the key,
but she bloody effing couldn't!
hell,
she didn't even have the bloody key in the first place!
like, why the hell couldn't she just tell me i have to go to mr yeo straight?
but it's so typical of the people here though.
ie;
"do you have tissue paper?"
"why? what for?"
"i fell down and my knee is bleeding."
"aiyoh, i go with you see teacher"
"there's really no need, i just need tissue. do you have any?"
"sorry ah, i don't have."
why can't you just answer the question first?
why inquire the whole history, background, reason only to say
i'm sorry i don't have what you're looking for.
pure stupidity is what i call it.
pure stupiditythe classroom door's locked so i end up studying the only thing i have with me.
chinese.
whoo pee doo
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:48 PM
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Monday, September 12, 2005
ok so it was the first day of term.
and well,
i wasn't exactly there.
ah poop.
i will not miss a single day of school this term.
why does this sentence sound so bloody familiar?
oh wells.
i will not,
i repeat,
will not,
miss a single day of school this term.
cross my heart,
hope to die,
stick a pinky in my eye:)
lalala
i am not gonna fail history this term
i am going to improve on science, english and literature.
i will improve on math and chinese and i don't have to pass as long as i improve.
i will score for my art.
and i will mantain and if possible,
improve on my geography.
finally,
i will look back on my results at the end of this term and not feel regret or sadness.
i will end this year knowing i might have started late but i pulled through in the end.
i will look back on this year and acknowledge that if i hadn't fooled around so much,
i could've done better but will accept that where i stand is because of no one else besides me.
i will look on my report card and smile because even if the grades aren't straight A1s,
they're my best shot and the all that i had to give.
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:12 PM
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Sunday, September 11, 2005
had oodles and oodles of fun yesterday:)
the time spent together was great and fun,
the singing was lovely,
most of it anyway.haha
the going back into a big church brought back memories.
while i was there,
i found myself missing cmc.
found myself wishing i was back at the same church i had grown up in as a little girl,
wishing i was there, knowing everyone and being recognized by them too.
i missed knowing where to go,
knowing how to get there.
i missed walking into that familiar smelling cafeteria,
smiling at everyone and them smiling back at me too.
i missed being recognized by old old friends of my mom.
haha.
miss going looking forward to going for breakfast and lunch with everyone.
miss avoiding the quirky, weird people.
but i'm afraid,
that's all i miss really.
as i grew older i guess i did pay attention to sermons and everything,
but the ultimate of church always seemed to be hanging out.
like : this is great but where are we gonna go afterwards?
wrong reason to be in church really.
that's why i'm where i am now.
so anyway,
yesterday was fun:)
took pictures. abigail looked so cute!
quite a few more girls from my school there too.
but i was pretty aware that not only was i not in my church,
but i was on their turf with alastair and his family.
ok,
that just sounds wrong.
sounds like some cat fight thing,
which it isn't, really.
at the end of everything,
there was the usual milling around and i kinda glanced over this young girl who looked rather familiar.
she kinda looked at me like, twice.
haha.
then she asked if i was from PL secondary.
i'm like "yeaa,you look kinda familiar. are you from the primary school?"
she says yes and then upon me asking how she knows me she proceeded to tell me about seeing me in last year's musical, seeing me at the sports meet, noticing that i was in archer (the same house as her, she had added)
and remembering i came back for one of the teacher's day.
i thought she was like primary5 or 6,
thought she might be my sister's classmate or something.
haha.
she was primary 4.
and only after i left,
i realized the reason she looked so familiar was probably because she was in 1 sincerity back when i was in primary 5 and we had this buddy system.
haha.
cute,
and pretty suprising,
being noticed by a girl in primary school.
haha.
so then there was supper,
ironically at the same place where the whole cmc group would go sometimes.
maybe that was another reason why i was missing everything so much.
total dejavu would be a complete understatement.
ohoh.
abigail told me a story which made me wanna cry!
her presentation style, and the way she illustrated everything was,
simply put,
amazing.
kinda like as imaginative as janice way back then when she talked to wet tissues.
ok,
so here it goes.
y'all just gonna have to imagine it yourselves.
there's a guy who's cold and his face is badly injured.
he goes out of hospital and sees the bad guy, so he hides.
but the bad guy knows where he is and goes after him,
confronts him.
but the injured guy runs off to a hotel,
the same hotel where he got hurt.
his wife( whom abigail kept referring to as "the mother" )
doesn't know what's going on so she runs home. the injured guy hides his home key somewhere and runs after her.
all the way home and locking his doors after him.
but the bad guy has found the key to his home so he is able to unlock everything.
he fires a shot at the "injured guy"
(as he seems to have been identified in this story)
and his wife,
referred to as "the mother" because,unbeknown to abigail's audience,
is pregnant,
gives birth and wakes up to have a gun pointed in her face.
she's counting on her husband saving her,
but he doesn't come.
she doesn't know that he's already dead.
the bad guy tells her that and she goes to the hospital and finds to her horror that it is true.
her husband,
the father of her newborn,
is dead.
she faints
but the bad guy is finally defeated because the friend of the injured/ dead guy has powers and comes to the rescue.
the father of the newborn is dead!:(
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:24 AM
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Friday, September 09, 2005
i swear i couldn't imagine it.
but when he told me,
like
woah.
he likes this girl,
absolutely crazy about her
she liked him too,
and they were supposed to get together
but then,
something happened
and they argued
because of that,
when they were so close to being together,
they decided against it.
he likes talking to her,
feels complete in so many ways.
he thought that even if they weren't together,
they'd still be good friends
still be able to talk like before.
but they can't,
and he's so torn.
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:31 PM
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i had amazing fun yesterday,
t'was an expensive day but fun nonetheless(:
everytime i see your smile,
my heart skips a beat
call out my name baby,
i'll jump to my feet.
to you i'll run,
to you'll cry
it's like this thing we have,
the reasons i don't know why.
my source of comfort,
my source of strength
i swear darling,
you're nothing less than heaven sent
you keep me living, breathing
hoping, seeing
you fill up my very being
It's crazy, these words
of them i never thought i'd ever dare to think
but then you came,
and in your deep love i sink
caught by your smile
and held by your eyes,
anyone can tell you're different from other guys
i never thought i'd say this,
girls like this i once scorned
but for you i'd do anything,
something which for me,
is not quite the norm.daddy asked us out for dinner tonight.
i've missed him,
really i have.
can't wait to see him
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:23 AM
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
when you feel all alone,
and the world has turned its back on you.
give me a moment please,
to tame your wild wild heart.
i know you feel
like the walls are closing in on you.
it's hard to find relief
and people can be so cold.
when darkness is upon your door
and you feel like you can't take anymore.
Let me be the one you call,
if you jump i'll break you fall,
lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
if you need to crash,
then crash and burn you're not alone.
When you feel all alone
and a loyal friend is hard to find.
your goin' on a one way street
with the monsters in your head.
When hopes and dreams are far away
and you feel like you can't face the day.
Let me be the one you call,
if you jump i'll be ready to fall,
lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
if you need to crash,
then crash and burn your not alone.
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:30 PM
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did you really want to do all you said you would?
did you really want to leave?
baby, did you really wanna go?
did you know that when you thought you were alone,
everyone was there?
did you know that when you felt no one understood,
at least one person did?
did you know that when you felt no one cared,
many people in actual fact, do?
baby,
do you know you're never alone?
do you know that there's never a reason to end what God has given you?
do you know that there're people who love and care for and about you?
because darling, if you don't,
i'm telling you now.
there are people who love and care about you.
there are people who worry about you,
there are people who pray for you,
there are peole who cry for you.
there are people who want be there for you.
all you have to do is let them.
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:12 PM
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Sunday, September 04, 2005
after all that.
fifteen minutes and thirty-four seconds,
you didn't reply.
would you really want to?
would you really?
don't,
because i love you
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:47 PM
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If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
If I never knew you
If I never knew this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:40 PM
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my geography teacher said we live in a shrinking world.
technology has helped break through many barriers of communication but it will be sad,
when the day finally comes that you have to email the person who sits right beside you because you can't or don't talk.
it kinda felt like that.
and to you,
i'm sorry.
i'm so so sorry.
i don't know why,
but yes,
it's like our relationship changed.
or maybe we changed.
i've always been proud of our relationship,
you were and still are actually, my best friend.
someone i can and would go to,
even now.
but it's just some bits of it that've changed.
i don't think it's because it's the time where we grow apart and eventually let go of each other.
i don't think that time will ever come.
i don't want it to.
i don't
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:51 AM
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the performance was great.
the concert was a flop,
no one's suprised i bet,
but everyone i've asked said asher's band was the best.
haha
obviously the organiser and his mummy wasn't too happy about it,
about how the one person they had a problem with did such a great performance and had such brilliant response from the audience.
it was sad actually,
how childish that adult could get.
getting into a yelling match with a 15 year old?
yelling at him for getting personal and then doing exactly the same thing.
shan't say anymore about that incident.
but yeaa,
the encore wasn't too good but the performance was great(:
thank you to everyone who came,
thank you to everyone who supported.
thank you to everyone who cheered and yelled and screamed.
thank you specially to those who hung around afterward, waiting to go for supper which was like two hours after the show.
thank you
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:09 AM
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Saturday, September 03, 2005
today's the big day.
the first time i'm singing in a concert besides the musical.
we've rehearsed and i guess all i can do now is leave it in the Lord's hands.
i think the concert will be a flop,
honestly.
but i think asher's band will do great(:
i'm shaking and i've got butterflies.
strange,
isn't it?
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:18 PM
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peeeeektooores!(: