emotional -with love, [me]

A day in the life of Charis Vera

2007-12-31T17:58:00.000+08:00

Half past mindnight and she has to be up in what, six hours?Sighs, wraps up the too-long blog post she has found herself typing. Even though, instead of blogging, there're a gazillion other things she could be wasting her life on.
The alarm goes off just after seven.A sharp clanging of tiny metal upon slightly larger metal. Back and forth at a speed so fast that, should you slip your finger into the space whilst clambering -eyes barely open- to switch off the bomb from hell, you would feel a sudden sting as the tiny metal whacks against your finger.Mumbles to herself, giving herself just five more minutes, and falls back asleep. However, as it always is, five minutes asleep is forty minutes in real life. She brings herself to a sitting position, legs swung over the side of her bed. Scratches her leg, even though it's not itchy.Then she curls up in the opposite direction, dozing off for just a minute or two more, before suddenly jumping up and dragging herself to the toilet.
She grunts incoherently at her mom and, after changing and getting annoyed at herself for being later than planned, she leaves the house.Class starts at half past nine, requiring her to be there at about nine or quarter past. Meaning, she has to be out of the house by eight, or thereabouts.
Relatively woken up by now, she makes her way, sharp heels clicking against concrete pavement, towards the bus stop. She's never needed morning cigarettes. In fact, hates the taste in her mouth after having her teeth brushed clean.So she adjusts her bag while waiting impatiently for the bus, watching miserable sods patting their pockets for their crummy cigarette packs.
The bus is terribly crowded, like a box packed with too many socks and spilling over. But though she never runs for her buses or trains or across the road while Green Men flash incessantly, she hates waiting for buses and ending up late. So she forces herself onto the steps, barely mantaining her already off set balance on heels, and defiantly taps her card so that she'll have to be kept on board.At the station she keeps an eye out for her ex. Not that she's avoiding him, it just amazes her that considering how small Singapore is, they have never run into each other at his station - unplanned.
Music blocking out the sighs and grumbles of other office people, she hurries to her work building. Follows the signs and has an eye on the uneven floor, fearing she could trip and fall at anytime. Absolute bliss, upon arrival at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf (second best next to Starbucks). Flashes a smile at the lady behind the counter and asks for the Christmas holiday special; A large Peppermint Latte, made with Mocha instead of Vanilla (ugh), to go. Hands over her Coffee Bean card (oh what a loyal customer!) and grabs a Wall Street Journal while waiting patiently for her drink.
The building has about eight elevators due to the many levels in the building (up to thirty if i'm not wrong). It's one of those building where the first couple of floors are for shops and boutiques (first floor having lots of food of course), the middle chunk of the building being for offices, and the top part of the building being for apartments.She squeezes into the lift, presses her floor and stares at her reflection on the elevator doors, secretly sneaking peaks at other people and how they're dressed too. Sips her wonderful, heaven-sent latte and waits, as the lift lets people off at different floors. Gets off at her level, and walks into the office, saying her Hellos and Good Mornings. Meets a friend/colleague, depending on the time and place, smiles, chats and catches up a wee bit.
Class proves a tad bit more difficult today, but she makes it through the two hours, comes out alive although a bit brain dead.Hurries off to meet a friend for lunch, during which they chat and laugh and giggle. True girl time of course, which is a breath of fresh air. They wander aimlessly for a bit, one not quite wanting to go back to the work, and the other, too tired to care. She wanders into a store, Watsons, to be exact, buys things she could actually do without but, would rather not do without.
She heads home after a while, feet aching, head ringing and tired, though only half the day has passed. Does a load of laundry and types out bullshit on her blog, seriously wanting to bathe and go to bed before heading out for the evening with her family.
The wonderful thing, is that, this is just one random day in her life. If you pick another random day, it is guranteed to be quite different. And this is what she likes. In fact, this is what she loves. So that she will never again, if she can help it, just be unwinding more string from the very same ball of yarn.

moving on, moving on

2007-08-13T19:22:00.000+08:00

follow me into the dark

i've been blogging for about four years already, starting off with a diaryland blog(which i still have) and then, blogspot.

I still blog a lot, i'd say. Whether it's about my everyday life or random opinions which i can't keep to myself.

I think i've got a pretty okay readership. Maybe not as much as Wendy Cheng or even vick. haha. but it's enough i guess.

It's nice when people randomly go like, "yea i read your blog" and i've only known them for like two days.

haha

ANYWAYS. MY POINT IS!

I've changed my blog!(:

Everyone seems to be complaining about how slow and laggy this thing is anyway.

Keep yourself updated on my new blog, i'll be putting more of an effort to write in more often, and hopefully more than just about boring everyday stuff. haha.

It's a much nicer site, navigations on the site and a bit more than a blog i'd say.

It loads faster, and i'm hoping to use it a wee bit more professionally. haha.

(okay laugh all you want lah)

basically, now, when i'm asked for my website i can actually list a relatively(in my opinion) proper one instead of a blogspot blog.

haha

ANYWAY.

the link is

http://www.blogcharm.com/charisvera/

please keep on reading and leaving comments and whatnot.

it's much faster so you don't have to be like,

"wah lao. your blog lag my com worxxx"

i like this layout, but i'm gonna change it soon. haha

all my love, hugs and kisses!

xoxo

Icon material

2007-08-13T01:08:00.000+08:00

He stood there,
so much a winner that he was actually, in fact, a loser.
It wasn't that he was a bad person, far from it!
Funny and charming, he drew people to him. Yet such unprofession would cost him his intergrity and his face.
Perhaps they thought it was a gift to him,
but it couldn't be anything more than a curse.
Underserved, no cheers heard, and group hugs that included him after the slightest hesitation.
Boos from fans of the deserving, chucked out, to bestow upon him what he should hardly be able to imagine.
My friend, always a good loser, but a winner more than him.

This is going to be a tad bit short cos i'm really tired.
I met Gillian (producer of Wendy Cheng's Girls Out Loud)
and she's really nice. haha
the script i had to audition with was hilarious, i have to go tell the baby ogre.
kind of like her older sister's script which included a Harry HangLow.
HAHA

never mind, you wouldn't understand, sorry for being rude.

SO Teenage Icon Finals!
I missed out on Ernie):
But i'm so proud of her winning 2nd runner up and although this sounds cliche and like one is doing no more than making the best of circumstance,
it is true that whether or not Ernie won first or Consolation, she would've still carried on and made it.

After all, with the Y2Y behind her and events after events, it's a tad bit difficult for her to keep off the stage for long.
Teenage Icon is a stepping stone,
but it depends on how one makes the best of it.

For me, it was an experience.

My passion for the stage isn't gonna die out because i didn't make it to the finals!
and it is incredibly sad because some who got out at the same round a me talk about trying again next year.
("oh there's always next year!")

That isn't the point.
granted, one shouldn't give up hope just like that,
but Teenage Icon isn't the Be All and End All.
You are not nothing because you didn't win.

Take Shi Ying for example!
She's from PL and she went for campus superstar.
she got kicked out at the second round and wasn't foreseen to go far in this competition.
(please don't kill me, i actually don't think she can sing okay)
but i will admit, that she has an image onstage and that's what kept her on.
And guess what? she won Miss Silkygirl!

Point?
move on to more.

Met Ming and Priscilla today, i didn't know that they were gonna sing!
And when i met Ming she ran up and gave me a hug, she's just the sweetest thing!
Unfortunately her Manager wasn't being very friendly or maybe she's just got Ming's best interests in mind.
All i can say is, if i had a manager like that, either it isn't gonna work or i can expect to grow distant from friends AND fans.
tsk

ANYWAY
Ming's singing has improved like a lot!
She's so much louder, you wouldn't believe it. SERIOUSLY.
i kinda hoped she'd do a jazz number though, it IS her forte after all.

FINALLY i managed to shop today!
jeans and like, three ohsohot tops! i loooove!

Thinking about lots of days spent non-stop shopping,
first prize goes to weeks in LA.
i just keep buying stuff over there, or i like, look at stuff and my aunts buy it for me.
Over there,
everything fits, everything is so incredibly cute and you can't get some of em here.
well most of em actually.
even IF they're made in China or HongKong.
hahahaha

My phone's totally screwing up on me,
so anyone's quite welcome to be a dear and buy me a phone.
haha.
yea right.
I need to go shopping for catwalk heels,
and i need to find a proper job for right after O's.

AYE

well, that's quite a bit for such a short post!
all my love

courtesy of glenn

2007-08-10T22:50:00.000+08:00

This is from my cousin's blog:

bluetooth enabled

In my opinion, there is only one situation where wearing a bluetooth headset is acceptable: driving.
Wearing it for anything else usually makes you look like an asshat. Now now.
Before you jump to conclusions, of COURSE I know plenty of friends who wear bluetooth headsets. And yes, they usually look like asshats too. I mean, I can understand the need to be “hands-free” while taking a call in the restroom at a mall, but only for those very special phone calls if you know what I mean.

In the car, however, I’m a complete advocate of bluetooth headsets. Hell, I don’t use mine often enough (or ever…depending on how you see it…). San Gabriel/Monterey Park/Alhambra is already a bad enough place to drive without having to dodge old Asian ladies who can’t see over the steering wheel. The other day I was tailing a grandmother who was going FORTY on the 10 freeway. C’MON!!! Add that to a few people who swerve halfway into your lane because they’re talking on the phone and you’ve got a magical place to drive in LA.

Nevertheless, if you’re driving and you own a bluetooth headset…have at it. If it helps you avoid old Asian ladies and swerving jackasses and keeps you out of a wreck that may potentially cost me 20 minutes on my commute, I give you my blessing. I WANT you to wear your bluetooth headset. But unless you lost both arms in the war (thanks, by the way), please take that ridiculous hunk of plastic out of your ear.

hilarious as always!
i miss him oodles.

2007-08-10T22:43:00.000+08:00

OMG
i've got this huuuuge UGLY bruise on my leg.
it's dayammm painful.

):

the new black

2007-08-10T21:35:00.000+08:00

okay lah.
i'm guessing you guys are all damn lazy to check out the website OR Teenage magazine.
plus,
these pictures are the nicer ones(:
xoxo

in case you're wondering, the slit(on the right) starts at the tip of my fingers.
like zomg.
it's lovely though(:

i always get a lot of spam, and my house mate told me how she loves reading her spam mail because it's so incredibly interesting.
haha

here's one:
Your orgasms will be enhanced to the point of ecstasy, and your stamina and overall sexual health will be greatly increased.

okay, i have brilliant orgasms already.

aneeeeewayyyy.
the show's coming up and we've been rehearsing like fucking crazy.

Just today, we started at one and ended at seven.
like what in the woooorld.
my feeties hurt after tottering around in uber high heels.
and by the way, they don't look very high thanks to my fat feeties):

tomorrow's day starts at nine, more walking about all the way til afternoon.
Sunday is filled up too, as well as next thursday and friday.
they're probably gunning for yet another rehearsal, mid week so i ought to prep myself for that.
And let's see,
right after thaaaat, well there shouldn't really be any more than that.
There's exams of course, and stuff.

bloooobylooooby.

i need to soak my feeties.

ole love

2007-08-09T23:19:00.000+08:00

i read a couple of old entries from a friend's blog.
i noticed that, reading those posts,
you'd never have guessed that at that time, he had a girlfriend and according to what he said in real life,
loved her more than anything and was at his utmost happiest.

oh wells.

i've got rehearsals tomorrow,
i want to go bathe and relax.

go buy Bird's muffins.
they is belly good!

you know, i have this very strong feeling,
she's selling them so we'll all be like fat and she'll be happy cos she'll be daaaamn skinny.
hahah
i'm kidding!
i love you bird(:

BIG IS Gorgeous!

2007-08-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

HELLO HELLO

soo. the pictures for the photoshoot are out.
i look good in five out of six of them(the last one was a fucking candid okay!)
here's the link:

http://www.bigisgorgeous.com/index.cfm?GPID=35

Go check it out babies.
Plus, tomorrow, Sept issue of Teenage magazine should be coming out.
go check that out too.

as great as the pictures on the website look,
i'm upset that they're FREAKING TINY

gawsh.
i swear!
they're really really tiny pictures of me and Rohaida and even pris.
poooooft.

If any of you have a way of like, enlarging pictures,
do me the favour okay?
haha

i don't know how bad/good i look in teenage mag, so on second thought,
maybe you shouldn't go buy it just yet.
haha
diddums.

go check out the site and buy lots of stuffs okay!(:
the dresses are like reeeeeaaaally preeeeeetty.
and if any of you are free, drop my Plaza Singapura on August the 17th.

right outside (where starbucks is)
is where Fashion Theatre is taking place.
you can squeeze squeeze a bit and catch a glimpse lah.
haha

anyway,
i've spent like foreverrrr tidying up my room(& i'm done except for two more areas)
so i'm like damn damn happy about that(:
i just absolutely love sitting in my room, hearing calming sounds of waves and dolphins,
smelling my beautiful aromatherapy oils and just relaxing.
i've always loved that and my only problem before was how horrible my room looked.
even when it was tidy, there was still like,
you know, stuff, albeit stacked up, in random piles.

right now though, there aren't(:

yay me!

i just loooove my room.
i sooo fucking love it love it love it.

you can stop the games and pulling of heartstrings any time about now.
i get the pattern;
I walk a step ahead of you

bad boys, sad girls

filling in blanks

2007-08-08T14:24:00.000+08:00

"Do you feel insecure about your penis size?"

nope. i think i'm doing pretty good.

i heart Sound of music(:

rehearsals. toodles

photoshoots with pretty dresses

2007-08-06T18:37:00.000+08:00

I'm sure you've all been wondering what the hell i do with my time since it seems like i rush around a lot.
(actually i don't, i just have twenty four hours to do stuff after stuff after stuff back to back, that's all)
I've been modelling for the BIG is Gorgeous movement!(:

Now i reallyyyy hope Sham doesn't kill me for ruining the suprise but these are only TWO of a whole bunch of daaaamn pretty dresses.

hello Vintage!
ignore the tummy and say, "Hello Diva!"

ANYWAYS
as you can tell, there are dresses for almost any ocassion.
There's pretty, dresses you can match with huge sunhats and go to the beach in,
dresses you can wear for a Saturday afternoon tea,
dresses, like the golden one(with a super high split on the side) which is totally red-carpet worthy and even dresses which scream
iknowyousowannafuckmerightnow.
i'm being completely serious. and oooh! i get to wear one of them dresses(:

The brilliant thing is that, all these dresses look tiny!
well, most of them anyway.
i swear, they look like they'll be JUST NICE for someone baby V's size, and yet, i can fit into them.
Plus, i actually look thinner!
Stop the sniggering okay.

The dresses are absolutely gorgeous, and i'll slip the link in when the pictures are all done(:
from what i could tell, i looked pretty good.

And this is precisely the point,
who says you can't be big and beautiful?
In today's society, everyone wants to be a size zero and everyone's sticking their finger down their throat. I've been there too(i won't deny it worked for a while, i lost 10kg that year)

Of course,
especially on saturday being right beside all the damn hot models like nicolette Sylivia and Jaime,
one feels out of place.
like, ohmygawd, i'm really too fat to do this.
i look good but those hot models would look even better in the dress i'm wearing.
Is there a way i can just, not look fat(because all the dresses are sleeveless.)
Then i realized, that the point would be completely missed!
The dresses are sweet on thin girls and just as good on bigger girls.

Who says big isn't gorgeous? Viva la diva i say!

Anyway, all these gorgeous gorgeous dresses are going at $70/75 and the tops are going at $45/50.
They're reeeaally reeeaally worth it, i'm telling you.
Gives you the boost you're so gonna need and i swear, they make you look just as beautiful as the hot girl right beside you.

Skinny girls can get them and yes, big girls can get them too.
Please please pleaaaaase support this because, it's a really good cause and movement.
I'll send you the link when pictures of the clothes are up(:

So yes, this is exactly what i've been doing recently.
The shoot for Teenage magazine as well as for the website(:
On top of that, there've been rehearsals for the upcoming show which is in about two,
actually, no, fuck.
it's next week already.

I'm not singing anymore, no that bit got given to someone else so i could focus on the acting and modelling.
I was upset, i'll admit. because it's like, she got everything even after she stabbed me and him right in the fucking back.
but i figure, i'm better off at the end of it, you know?
i've got something i'm working for.
my joys aren't based on the events and shows that i have to wait to get offered.
no, i go out and get them myself.

So anyway, i'll be acting and modelling.

In case anyone is the least bit interested, i've figured out recently what i'm gonna be doing with my life.
Yes! gasp! charis thinks about what to do with her freaking life! haha.

After O levels, i'm gonna be doing my SATs, learning conversational mandarin and getting a job.
I'm hoping to go to the US for college and i've talked about it with my parents and stuff.
I'm not gunning for a movie-star life, far from it.
In fact, out of theatre singing and film, i like filming the least.
It's weird in that actually, because film is the easiest way to get noticed.
Every other person in the world watches TV/movies but i realized, i'm really really in love with the stage.
Musicals kind of stuff.
So, what i wanna do with my life? I want to do something involving acting.
Even being an acting coach/teacher is great.
I'm addicted to gruelling body work and i want to keep doing that for like, the rest of my life, i swear.
Being famous is exactly NOT what i am looking for, it's about doing lots of theatre stuff simply because i love it.
i like short films too because they can get filmed really fast. and by fast, i mean Ten hours to a few days.
haha.
It's not that i don't like filming or being in a movie, if i had the opportunity to,
it's that, i very much prefer theatre.
Not necessarily broadway, but thereabouts(:

OKAY.
there we have it.
soooo no, i'm not planning on going to a JC or poly.

you know, just in case you gave a droplet of shit. haha.

SO i finally wrote in to Straits Times Forum about the incident last year.
Where this horrible old man slapped me and i like yelled at him and stuff.
i don't know if it'll get published but if it does, it'll be pretty darn interesting!

Teenage Magazine, with the list of Teenage Icon Finalists AND the BIG model spread should be out by either next week or the week after.
So do look out for it, even though i look really bad and fat.
haha.

I'll be in PL this Wednesday! because my baby sister's getting her award!
ooh!
i'm sooo happy and proud for her(:

I wrote a really nice song, i think V would reallyyyy like it.
haha.
i'm off, but remember,
BIG is GORGEOUS

wavering light, don't die

2007-08-03T12:51:00.000+08:00

light the fire again

I'm still in love with the person i fell in love with,

and i'm only beginning to realize, that,

i don't really know you very much after all.

Lets face it, we all change.

you tell me i'm changing, and i'm realizing,

a little too late, that you are too.

I guess,

what i mean to say is,

I don't know if i'm in love with the right person.

with the person that you've become.

Maybe, at the end of the day it's just me really.

And since you've pointed it out, i'm trying not to keep repeating myself.

This is something i realized as i lay awake at three am, trying to figure out what it is that i'm thinking about, and trying, ever so desperately to understand it.

I realized that, it's not that i don't love you anymore.

Instead, i'm in love with the you that you used to be,

and maybe, you're still in love with the me that i used to be too.

The question now is, and we've got the next ten years to answer it,

is,

do i want to love the person you've become?

and do you, want to love the person that i've become?

and because we won't stay the same forever, do you still want to love me, when i change more than i already have.

whether it's for the better or for the worse.

and do i want to love you, when you change too.

it sounds insanely serious.

like, we have to decide right now.

But we don't.

i'm coming to realize that now.

you're nineteen, and i'm sixteen.

Twenty-one isn't very far away, but even if we ever get back together, i have my doubts that we'll be ready when i'm that age.

We're still teenagers.

I'm still in the middle of it, and you're nearly finishing being a teenager.

we're all growing up, and having friends get married and have kids.

we can't rush anything.

lots of people wanna get married at like, twenty one or twenty four and at thirty they're still waiting.

But that's better than getting married early and getting divorced or feeling that it was the biggest mistake of your life.

i'm fucking sixteen, i shouldn't even be talking about this right now, should i?

Not everyone gets their fairytale ending. and i'm not saying this as i cry and realize i'm not one of those lucky bitches.

i'm saying this as i realize that, i can't make you love me, and i can't make you believe me.

what you said before, it's finally starting to make sense.

that if anything happens, we'll have to start from scratch. love each other all over again.

that's if you want to, and if i want to.

and the greatest thing is that,

we don't have to decide now!

why are we even trying to solve this mind-boggler in our heads anyway,

when we both have lives to live.

at our age, we have shit to worry about.

we shouldn't be talking about the wedding that might or might not happen.

less to think about is good, after all.

It's fun, i'll admit.

it's nice picking out sheets and beds and choosing matching cupboards and desks for the kids.

but we shouldn't worry about it, any of it.

right now, we shouldn't have to think of how we're going to settle into married life.

and whether or not we're meant to be.

because as far we know, we might have been meant to be until i messed up.

but then again, that doesn't really make sense does it?

Perhaps i'll spend the next ten years wondering if you're gonna come after me,

if you're gonna forgive me, and if i really knew you at all.

but it's not for me, or you, to worry about right now.

simply because, we don't have to.

until one of us gets married,

there's a chance of us meeting again and falling in love, all over again.

completely from scratch.

maybe i'll love the new you better than i do now, more than i do now.

maybe you'll love me more, because i've grown up and changed.

or maybe, you'll become this self centered bitch and i'll hate you, and maybe you'll hate me too.

or rather, just, not love. you know

maybe.

but that's for us to find out.

right now, we change, and we don't have to figure out if we still love each other or not.

Or if we'll still love each other in the future.

we'll just let it happen.

then we wouldn't be holding on to something that happened, way back then.

i know the two and a half years i spent with you was brilliant.

i loved it, every second.

Even when we argued and fought and cried and did stupid things.

It's a learner for me, you know.

i'll never think it was a waste of time, because it wasn't and it never will be.

I don't regret anything i've done with you, and there'll always be a pang of,

i don't know, something a little bittersweet,

when i think of you.

so now, you've changed and you're changing.

i hardly know you anymore, i realize. and somethings about you just,

completely suprise me.

i'll bet you think the same thing about me too.

maybe we'll love each other, when we're at our end product.

maybe we won't.

for all we know, we could get married to different people and when our other halves die and we're like,

80, we meet up and we fall in love all over again.

and maybe that will be how we end up together.

I'll still think we made it, somehow. you know?

so for now,

we dry our eyes.

blow our goodbye kisses and,

we remember how we loved the each other that we knew.

and wonder about, loving the each other we have yet to know.

my 3am walk

2007-07-31T03:21:00.000+08:00

i suppose you'll never know how much i really do love you.

and what am i to say, now?
since you've decided and you're so sure that i don't love you in the least?
what am i to say,
what am i to do?

If distance is what you want,
i can't simply disregard that, now can i?
I never thought it'd be this painful.
Why is that i've found myself holding on for so long?

And for as much as i regret, making that horrible, detrimental mistake,
i came to know a part of you that i never knew existed.
Still beautiful in its own way, i'd never love you any less.
i can't.
So you've seen my ugly side, and this, i know, is yours.
Yet you're perfect as ever.

But you can't forgive me you say,
and no one can make you.
I don't love you, you say?
well no one can make you believe.
i won't, try to make you believe.

If this is what you deem fit,
if it's what you think is best, who am i to go against you,
as much as i want to?

I have to leave you alone.
i have to let go
because there isn't anything left for me to do, anymore.

there must be something else more than this,
than crying every night wondering how i got myself into this mess.

and i have to stop thinking,
thinking of walks in the park that we took,
our special places.
have to stop reliving the times where you would fall asleep beside me and i'd wonder,
how in the world i could be sent such a perfect little angel.
How could i possibly have known,
that my life was too perfect to be real? too beautiful to be true?

Remember how i used to stroke your cheek and tell you,
that i had a horrible feeling this would all just turn out to be a dream,
and actually, i'm not really meant to be this happy?
Well it feels like that right now.

Every moment alive, just breathing,
is like, god,
a million miles aways from a life i used to have that was so,
so fucking perfect.

when you're gone,
the pieces of my heart are missing you

And it's so unreal,
every single movement i make.
it's like, it's all in slow fucking motion.

i'm taking everything in,
and everything i touch has you written all over it.
memories of you are everywhere,
even after i give you back everything.
it's still here.

i still remember the exact way your body felt,
the way your lips felt,
how our bodies could stand, and fit so perfectly together.
Everynight i can still feel your arms around me,
and i remember how i used to roll away and claim my own space.
I can still hear your snores.
how i thought i couldn't sleep,
but take away those snores and i'd be up for hours.

i remember waking up in the middle of the night,
just to kiss you, and make sure you were real.

everything holds memories of you,
even the tee i'm wearing now.
My alpha camp tee -
i remember not being deprived of our midnight calls even while at camp,
and how i missed you,
and how you picked me up from school.

god, i miss you so much.
not just having someone to love me.
talk is so fucking cheap.
but knowing that you were always there.

and you were so goddamn beautiful in every single fucking way.
so fucking perfect
and you brought that utter perfectness into our relationship,
you made us perfect.
and we were.
Even with our fights over the stupidest things,
being so addicted to each other,
even with all of that,
we were still perfect.

so so incredibly perfect.

i need to deal with this,
with myself.
and
i don't know how.
i've never been through this before and gawd i need help.

every moment alive feels like i'm dying.

it's like i'm not me anymore,
and there's just this ghost left in my wake.
and she's floating around, smiling at the right time,
eating when people are looking,
turning up for classes and photoshoots and whatnot.

In my room i caught side of the outfit i wore for my Teenage icon heats,
and on the floor,
the bag i carried with all my clothes for my Teenage icon semis.
and i just feel like such an utter loser, you know?

Everything's pretty much collapsing around me,
and all i'm capable of doing is sitting here and crying and crying and crying.

i used to have someone to hold me when i felt like this,
like my world was crashing down around me.
but i don't, not anymore.

and now,
even random words start me crying.
or the thought of Jennifer Aniston's sayig:
"It's just like have your best bud with you for ever you know"
when she got married to brad pitt and the thought of them having broken up and divorced.
(i know. like wtf right.)

i want go down and take a little three am walk in the park.

anyways,
watch this space.
i'll either go on a complete hiatus or over blog so much that you have to check in every half an hour.

Thank God i don't have my photoshoot tomorrow anymore.
no great makeup can cover puffy eyes.

i'm wishing real hard that i'll die by some freak act of nature.

i suppose you'll never know how much i really love you.
or you will but you'll never believe me.

it's okay,
no one believes me anyway.
no one needs me to make promises to them anymore because they figure i'll probably break it.

i love you.
but only i need to know that.

amaaaaazing

2007-07-31T00:39:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En0A8KGMgq8&mode=related&search=

omg.
this is just absolutely amazing.
you could fucking cry.
i swear

yea, i don't love you so...

2007-07-30T20:03:00.000+08:00

sure.
i don't love you right?
That's why i spend every night crying myself to sleep and pretending you're right there with me so that i can finally fall asleep.
That's exactly why i wake up every single morning,
wondering if my nightmare has ended

That's why i still call you and text you,
and tell you i love you
because i actually don't!

sure!
it just makes so much sense!

That's why i bother to reply your texts,
or wait up for you so we can fall aleep on the phone together,
or switch everything off when you tell me that you're going to bed so that you won't have to wait up for me.
yes indeed.
i do all that,
because i don't love you.

In fact, it's because i don't love you that,
months after the breakup,
i'm still not over you, still blogging about you, still talking about you,
still crying over you and still wishing that my life is just some horrible nightmare.

brilliant, really.

toooolips

2007-07-30T18:35:00.000+08:00

my baby sister's cooking dinner tonight as practice for her home ec practical.

Gawd i miss those times.
pfft.
shiyun and i were cooking partners and i'd say we were pretty damn good.
we'd experiment, mess up, laugh and we NEVER EVER argued about washing up.
i swear!

):
i miss shiyun, thinking of it.
HELLO SHIYUN SWEETHEEEEEART!
I MISS YOU MUCHOS MUCHOS!

anyway,
my baby sister's won an award from the school for Best in English and Literature for 2006.
i'm soooo freaking proud of her(:

The day's been incredibly relaxing,
minus the back and forth texting and knowing that he's gonna keep his distance,
which i really really don't want.

i was up at about half past two,
had cereal and upon mommy's return home,
White tea with scones. i love.

i hate having gorgeous story lines milling around in my head and not being able to find the time to sit down properly and spend time typing it all out,
and editing it and sending it in for a shot at getting it published.
seriously.

i know i know, i shouldn't be so lazy and at least attempt at producing the gist of the storyline in a short prose or something.
note the word attempt dears.

ANYWAY.
speaking of old school(okay i know it was a few paragraphs ago)
there's some typical school girl bitch fight going on.
and being just that little bit a part of it,
i'm thinking, i'll blog about it.
of course i'm taking into consideration,
should i use real names and stuff and just,
thinking.
And you know what i think? haha.
hell yea. i'm gonna use real names and dissdissdiss, bitchbitchbitch.

Huiying's my sister's friend.
and she blogged,in passing, about this girl called Amanda Jong.
a fat girl who's got a pierced tongue and gives people nightmares by flicking out her tongue to show off her piercing.
aww. aren't i a bitch when i don't even know this girl!

okay, so no one would really have given a droplet of shit about her
until she gets her beLLyKewLxZxZCLIQUE to "go and find" huiying.
Huiying, poor girl, actually removes the post!
oh gosh i think she ought to have left it up there because,
it's her blog at the end of the day.
She doesn't like someone, she can go right ahead and talk about her.

Spreading rumours and slanderous shit is a completely different thing of course,
but this is different. way different.

SO ANYWAY.
amanda Jong and her "gang" have been harassing huiying and trying to get her out to talk with them.
ooooh!
scaaaaaary.
obviously, they're throwing their weight about trying to be cool.

Well i told Huiying to ignore them because,
honestly?
I think it's just HILARIOUS to even imagine that.
HAHA.
can you imagine it?

fat girl and clique: "EH HUIYING. KNN CB. TINK EUU SHO KEWLS ARX. COME OUTSIDE TALK"
huiying just stares at them for about a full second and walks past them.

okayokay.
that's a bit much.
but i hate it when people act big.

worse still, she's already taken down the bloody post and they're not leaving her alone!
they've gone to her blog and spammed brainlessly with the limited vocab that they know;
hokkien swearwords!

i am coolios yo.
knn ccb.
mmmmm
very smart. come on doggy! roll over and drool!

geez.
what an utter embarrassment to Paya Lebar MGS!
and they say people like me brought them shame?
hello!
i'm not going around with a spazzing fat studded tongue and sticking it out every chance i get,
OR
threatening people and behaving like i'm ohsocoool.

pfft.

i left a couple of messages on huiying's tagboard myself.(:
so there.

i think if they want to look for her, go right ahead.
don't send her a message telling her to "come find" you.
1) you're not lost love. i know the school's huge now but you can get your mommy to find you
2) you want her, go get her.
okay, i know it's the oldest trick in the book.
you sit in the canteen, short pinafore over spread fat thighs til everyone can see your grotesque little hairs,
and you smile while other people gawk because you think that they fear you.
when in actual fact, they're getting nauseous seeing the lice under your skirt get comfortable.
You smile even more when this timid little girl comes up to your little group and you like the stares you guys are getting.
But actually, the stares are because they fear this timid little girl is gonna have your lice jumping onto her.

haha.

okayokay. so cool, so cool.
give it up already. it's so stupid.

i personally think that Huiying shouldn't be wasting her time worrying about this group of shitheads because she has much better things to do!
ie; yawn and laugh at them. OR fart in their faces.

MOVING ON TO MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
i just saw my name(and face which wasn't very pretty, being in School uniform and all)
on Youtube!
haha.
omg. what a surprise. it's just some lameass shit of course.
but it was funny, bringing back memories and i miss Richa Gill!

_______

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

go on and take my heart with you
go on,
because i don't mind playing the fool.
take the heart that lies within,
the one that beats for you
take it cos it's always been yours anyway.

the spiral into depression

2007-07-30T03:16:00.000+08:00

for some reason,
i'm never able to do things right.
however hard i try, it doesn't seem good enough.

it could always have been a little better,
a little earlier.
i could have just stayed home to begin with or something

I got home tonight,
just, completely torn up and upset.
everything seemed wrong,
i just hated myself, i didn't fit in.

why couldn't i be perfect like everyone else?

my battery flat, i called him to say i was home, but he was still mad at me.
It's not undeserved really.
i did say i'd be home by 11.30 or thereabouts.
i just didn't update him when we all agreed to cab it back together.
honestly,
i lost track of time. i didn't know it was so late already.

with my dead phone,
and leaving behind the idea of drowning myself in a friend's pool,
i said my goodbyes and caught a cab home by myself.

karaoke night,
but why am i even bothering to sing when i'm not the one in the finals.

ultra sensitive,
i feel just that little bit more different.
i'm out of the competition, what am i still doing at a party where every one's in the finals.
except the host of course,
but that's different because she's the host.

as much as the party was fun,
in a very wholesome clean way,
and Katrina is really the sweetest,
i left the party wondering why i went in the first place.

Of course, everything else tumbles nicely into place, doesn't it?
how he doesn't believe that i love him, he doesn't feel it.
but i don't have anything left,
i only have my words.
and he's cautious enough to take everything i say with a pinch of salt.

smart boy.

because who can trust me, after all?
I'm charis.
i don't even know if i trust myself.

Over the last couple of weeks i've managed to fall into depression, bounce back up and slowly,
backslide into it again.
but who cares right?
because everyone of us have shit to worry about.

O levels in, what, two months?

There's more important things to worry about.
nights can't be spent crying.

But is it really that wrong?
to still fall asleep every single night imagining that you're holding me tight to you?

oh aren't i just a pathetic sod really.
crying over a long gone ex who, quite obviously,
isn't going through the same shit i am.
while i feast, on the occasional i love yous that fall like crumbs from a rich man's table,
i say my i love yous like they're free,
and he doesn't feel it, he doesn't believe.

what a reversal of roles.
and God how disgustingly pathetic i've become.

smiling, desperately catching his every smile.
willing my phone to ring,
and crying to memories which aren't mine to keep.

what a mess,
and here i am, crying just as i type all this out.

"would you be free..."
and i jump up screaming yes before he finishes his bloody sentence.
disgusting, absolutely disgusting.
of course in the end he cancels, with apologies and such, such
adorable eyes that you'd just have to be blind deaf and cynical to hold anything against him.

why.
i don't understand why i subject myself to this.
how can i be so terribly in love with someone whom,
i know for sure doesn't love me like he used to?
why do i still think about kids we were supposed to have together and the way they'll hurl themselves into his arms screaming "daddy".

why do i still cry,
thinking about how i still think of all this,
and typing it out as it comes.

why is it still him i see when i close my eyes,
his smell that i breathe and his skin i swear is right under my fingertips.
how can it be,
when the inevitable is fast approaching.
and i know that, it won't be very long before,
he looks at me and says that,
finally, finally,
i am no more than nothing to him.
Why do i hold on to him for as long as he'll hold onto me,
and as a result,
be the last to let go,
and cry the goodbye tears that i realize i haven't really run out of since the day he left.

i'm not playing my sympathy card here,
i'm really just thinking aloud.
because the truth is,
i'd have it no other way.
for as long as he wants to know my whereabouts, scream at me for not keeping to my own curfew,
i'll let him.
for as long as he feels he needs to call me before he can sleep and text me at least once in a day,
i'll reply.
because i need that just as much, and even more than he does.

and as much as it kills me, after all that,
to watch him laugh and wrap his arm around a hotter, more deserving girl,
i'll smile for him and be happy.
because i am, as long as he is, i swear.

how can he ever want to still be with me after all that i've done to him anyway?
the nights i've made him stay up worrying about me,
the tears he's cried when i took his love for granted.

i haven't yet, but i suppose i will have to learn to,
accept that while i really did find a perfect other half,
i ruined my chance.
i've seen another side of him, and he has seen this ugly side of me as well.
and because no one expects the other to just get over something like this,
one shouldn't expect to see a revival of her ruined relationship.

Still,
it's nice to have something to hold on to and believe in.
something to keep you going,
and someone to tell you, even if it's only occasionally,
that they love you. very much in fact.

oh how cheap.
some random bloke reading this sodding post would probably think
he just has to tell me he loves me for a free fuck.
ugh.
i sound horrible.

"That's love" isn't an answer.
because no, this isn't love.
it's a one sided, hopeless relationship where i love someone,
but he doesn't know/believe/feel it and where
he, says he does, occasionally,
and i have to live with that and keeping hoping, praying and wishing that
something, a little anything,
will come of that.

and when the question "does he still love you?" is posed to me,
i smile, blush a little and go,
"well i guess so."

I know he used to love me.
very much, in fact.
He pampered me and spoiled me and was just really,
the most perfect boyfriend you could ask for and the most perfect son in law you could ever dream of having.

now,
well sometimes the stuff he says or does makes me realize that a part of him still loves me,
in some ways.
or shall we say, cares for me deeply.
It's the tiniest things really.
There's a part of me that's like,
so freaking sure he loves me.
Like,
"does he love you?"
"yea. he does. and i still love him too"
sweet,
but another part of me's starting to be like,
"well i don't know really"

One thing i do know for sure,
that a much as he loves me now, he doesn't love me as much as last time.
and that's only right now.
so naturally i'm thinking,
that give it a couple more months and pretty soon,
he won't love me anymore.
well,
not in that way anyway.
Which explains the very detailed and repetitive,
very lengthy post about all this.

It actually stemmed from my depression over tonight but well.

little things like him climbing out of bed to call me still gets to me,
and like yea,
he loves me if he does that right?
but i don't know if he still will by say, the end of this year or something.

anyway, i really should head to bed.
It's three in the morning and i'm starting to hear very disturbing sounds and keep on imagining a dead girl with long hair and no eyes creaking after me.
this is the first time in ages i've had this kinda odd feeling.
and i'm hearing weird creaking noises coming from outside the flat.
you know, the kind that you hear in movies right before some dead girl crawls out and grabs your leg.

OMFG
I NEED TO FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET INTO BED WITHOUT SCARING MYSELF.
THERE IS NO FUCKING DEAD GIRL COMING AFTER ME.

The Lord will protect me from evil that lurks and seeks me as prey.

shutting up --

alittlebutofthis&that

2007-07-28T14:48:00.000+08:00

This is an amazing book, so go read it(:

i've had a bit on my mind, and no one to talk to about it.
At the same time, i'm not intent on blogging about it for the whole world.

oh well, i shouldn't even have talked about it then should i?

Weekends back here,
and i want to find a nice quaint little place where i can enjoy countless cups of tea and do a bit of math.
the tea would be immensely relaxing, just nice for something as horribly taxing as math.

I'd like to find a nice clean new book to settle down with in my very much enjoyed
me-time.
preferably a book that's bought(and worth buying) rather than a library book or i'll just have to worry about returning it on time.
Unfortunately, i don't seem to have a book i'm intent on buying.

Of course everyone is deep into their final book about the
oh-so-interesting adventures of Hairy Potty.
haha. pleeeeease don't get offended, i know it's interesting, but just not to me.

haha. so please,
don't mind me really.

I think one thing good about Hairy Potty is that,
it's made a lot of people who don't usually read, settle down and read.
AND it's good english unlike comparitively shoddy local-written stuff.

I thought i was well past being in loooove with celebrities butbutBUT
Milo V-somethingoranother is SOOO HOOOT.
like, omfg orgasm on the spot hot.

haha.
at least in Fergie's video for Big Girls Don't Cry.

diddums.

I'm in love with the Ellen Degenerous show.
she's freaking hilarious.

Yes i've noticed, that i do spend more time on the computer and watching television, but at the same time,
i also spend more time studying.

It's Katrina Calingo's party tomorrow(she's uber uber pretty!)
i'll post pictures up if i can.
apparently Ernie didn't reply her so she doesn't know if ernie will be there.

I'm still having the sniffles, and phlegm which solves eaily everytime i clear my throat.
voice back, i can sing(:

yay me.

O levels are uncomfortably close, and i really should be studying a lot more than i am.
even though it's amazing that i'm even studying at all.

I'm hooked onto this game called Fowl Words(:
it's really good for english in some ways.
haha.

_________

tell me when you stop loving me okay?
cos i think you might. eventually

playmates and lovers

2007-07-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

I went for Namiko's exhibition yesterday and enjoyed quite a bit of me-time before meeting mommy, twinnie and daanish for dinner.

Namiko Chan Takahashi is (omg i didn't know. sorry!)
an amazing artist and has won awards and stuff.
coolios yo.

I'm going for the opening of her next exhibition called the twelve parables and i've asked V and her twat along.
i think they'll both like it very much(:

i'm sleeping in tomorrow and i'll probably spend the day studying before my rehearsals in the evening.
Thank God i don't have to go out cos they'll be coming over(:
YAY ME

________

yes you can hold my hand if you want to,
cos i wanna hold yours too.
we'll be playmates and lovers
and share our secret worlds

is it really, the inevitable?
that i'm just hanging around, waiting for you to one day,
stop loving me completely?
what happen then?

i don't think i could stop loving you,
even if i wanted to,
my darling

yes you can hold my hand if you want to,
cos i wanna hold yours too

charis ng

2007-07-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

Get Your Sexy Name

mmmm hmmm(:

they knew better

2007-07-25T13:55:00.000+08:00

"not as much as last time"

i got out of bed this morning, wondering why it affected me so much.
after all, it's quite understandable isn't it?

It's inevitable at the end of the day, of course it's true.
why havn't i been able to just accept that and stop hanging on?

Just like when my father would take all of us, including mommy, out
together as a family and i hoped against hope that they'd be getting back together,
i've held on desperately to my own hope.

But i can't anymore, can i?
i shouldn't, should i?

Because, physical distance a given,
it's everything else that is now happening.
right in front of me, but, as usual, i've stuck my head in the sand.

Why is it that i'm always the one who ends up looking so terribly stupid?

"don't. stop it. don't keep on hanging on like you're so desperate" she told me.

did i listen? no
as fucking usual.

"oh you don't understand. he doesn't really mean it. haha"
oh what a fucking stupid idiot.

i'm so fucking sick of myself right now. so fucking sick.

2007-07-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

no more sad song

2007-07-24T23:34:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Do they now?

i've finally gotten rid of that
nice-for-a-moment-but-turned-out-to-be-godawful-skin
which i've been stuck using and have had ENDLESS amount of flak for.

ie;
"oooh. someone's all emooooo"

ack.

so yes, the breakup has, even til now, brought lots of tears and sleepless nights,
but i don't see him going all emo and having a
"diary of my broken heartxZxxZ" thing going on.
which, in turn, has reflected what a childish emo bitch i am.

shut up.

haha.

anywayyyyy,
i just absolutely loooove my new layout.
i love it i love it i loooove it.

just what i was looking for too. kind of.
haha.

my temperature's down and mommy and i are talking again.
i guess, i really have to learn to see things from her point of view.

my twin was sucha aaaaabsoluuuute daaaaarling!
she came over and we just chatted over Earl Grey Tea and honey butter cookies.
(i really wanted shortbread, she didn't get any. then i realized we had some all along. fuck it)

my pictures are gonna look better now.
not so freaking dull and all.
i ought to stop topic-jumping.

Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry makes me wanna cry.
dammit.

i need to studyyy

teen icon memorieees

2007-07-24T14:26:00.000+08:00

i'll be upfront and completely honest with you, right now
i'm doing this,
instead of blogging about what's really clogging up my brain.

SO SO SO
i miss the Teenage Icon people very very much.
those whom i was closest too anyways.(:

Chris, me, Daanish and Jack.
four of us here, two got in (the outer two guys)
oooh! like a secret pattern(:

hello hello!

there are six (very visible) people in this picture.
only half of em got in to the next round.

meet jack! he's my friend!
and he owes me taiwanese spicy chicken!

i am sooo sooo sooo happy for them.

i am totally rooting for Jack, Chris and Yuresh.
can you root for so many people? pfft.

thinking about it, if we all got into the final round,
more than being friends, we'd also be competitors.

that would seriously screw up any friendship which we've managed to establish and that brings its own set of problems.

there's a lot of pros and cons of being out of the competition,
but i think, at least for me,
there's more pros than cons(:

oh goshhhh. i feel horrible now.

but i'll admit, my head is buzzing with a relatively nice and comfortable warmth(:

i should really go tidy up my room for twin. it's disgustingly messy right now.
but i'm scared i'll go tidy it up and then she won't come):

all this thinking is making my brain hurt.

i want duuuuuriiiiaaaans!
it's like the worst thing to eat right now but it is, i'm afraid, the closest i can come to food.
well there's bananas i suppose.

i want oats. ):
or maybe i should order bloody macs.

gosh! sounds like a wonderful idea!

wanna fry an egg on my forehead?
you have to bring your own oil though(my complexion isn't that oily and horrible)

haha

ill

2007-07-24T13:35:00.000+08:00

i had an early night yesterday because, well,
i was ill and running a temperature that wouldn't reflect on my thermometer.

drifted in and out this morning,
swearing to myself, in my sleep, that i'll sleep in til four in the afternoon.
i didn't get that far,
i was up by noon.

Temperature at that time read : 37.9

Now don't be a smart alec and go
"oh but it's only 3 degrees more than the official you-have-a-fever-reading of
37.6"

Because my normal everyday temperature is 36.
Once i hit 36.6, i feel horribly sick, can't breathe, and officially,
at least it feels like it,
am running a slight fever.

I have finished two boxes of tissue.
well not all of it went to the nose blowing of course, but most of it did.

Last night was good, i suppose.
okay, it was great.
not as big as i planned it but,
oh wells.
i had fun, we had fun!

my twin is just such an absolute darling!
she called up(this is called twin psych thing cos i didn't tell her i'm ill/ hitting depression)
so anyway, she wanted to take me out for lunch and shop for heels.
i need to shop for heels to actually. haha
but anyway, i'm ill.
like so.
yea

i asked her over instead -
for tea.
Earl Grey and shortbread. or whateverr.
scones. yummy.

her phone call cheered me up immensely.

mom's home, and she still isn't talking to me.
righto.

on a much much lighter note:

HAPPY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY ALASTAAAAAAIR!
OMG OMG. YOU'RE NINETEEEEN! IT'S YOUR LAST YEAR TO BE A TEENAGER ALREADY!

not that it changes anything because you still behave like a three year old. haha.

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOOOOVE YOU!
AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION(:

xoxo

that's about it for now i suppose.
my house is out of light enough food for me to eat.
no, seriously.
no canned soup (but we've got a packet of fish biscuits which came in free)
no bread.
i would've made oats but i realized our milk had gone off.
i havn't really been drinking our milk, maybe that's why.

temperature as of now: 37.6

feeling better, if just slightly.

oh my gawd. even sneezing hurts.

):

long way to happiness

2007-07-23T12:25:00.000+08:00

i am very very sick right now.

i don't know why.

i think mommy's still seething/upset over last night.
one of them, maybe both.

i hate starting sentences with "i".
i should stop that.

i've been coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose ever since i woke up.

see, there i go again, starting sentences with "i".
shut up.

well really, there's quite a bit for me to do before going out tonight
(omgzxzxxzxz. i can't wait!)
redo nails, veet legs, get hair done, pierce someone's tongue.

aye.

i'm gonna stuff a couple of panadols down my throat first.
i feel terrible

Tonight will be goood cleeeeaaan fun

it's gonna be a long way,
to happiness

Love After Love

2007-07-23T00:22:00.000+08:00

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Love After Love
Derek Walcott

Don't pull that line on me again.
i'm sick of it, we both are.
Enough is enough.

We chose you, said it with our very own tongue.
we chose you.

Thank you for only letting me get about halfway through what i wanted to say before,
whatever happened.

It's a thought, his thought, dammit.
No one's thought as far as you have,
no one knows anything.

I am so bloody fucking tired of this.

If a divorce was in order, you should've killed us both first.
perhaps that's a selfish thing to ask, i'll admit.

Not everyone is correct,
and everyone makes fucking mistakes.
We all move on, we're supposed to.
we have to because, the rest of the world doesn't give a droplet of shit about us and the muck we have to work through.

For the last time, stop asking us that damned question.
stop it. just fucking stop

everything was brilliant today.
i love you so much, i just loved coming back to you.
i love doing that every single day

maybe i shouldn't have talked to you about it.
i'm sorry, okay?
maybe i'm insensitive.
i thought you were strong enough, over it enough to talk about something like this normally.

i'm sorry, i really am.
i shouldn't have brought it up.
i should've known by now what i can and cannot talk to you about.

Maybe secretly i'm wishing for a perfect divorce too.

But everything else that's happened,
your reaction, and, following that, you ignoring me completely and not talking to me.
Does it make sense to you?
because it doesn't to me.

I was asking you a question,
because i didn't understand why you were so insistent.

after that you kind of clam up,
ask us questions you've asked so many times,
make statements that you expect isn't supposed to fucking cut us up inside

how am i supposed to feel?
how is she supposed to feel?

you shouldn't have taken us back if you've kept on thinking about how you could've moved away when you had the chance.
yes,
we do feel bad that you gave up moving to america for us.
we feel bad that you have gotten your just reward for keeping us in Singapore for the sake of knowing our father.
and we thank you for that, we really do.
but if all you're gonna say now is how we're better off somewhere else,
then i guess you don't really want us anymore.
_____

you will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart

what if, maybe, like you, you and you,
the stranger has never loved me either?
never really.
maybe just enough, to keep from dying.
just enough, to pose for pretty pictures.
but not really

_______

The voices ask me if it's worth it.
i tell them yes,
because i'd like to see you smile,
just one last time.

i want to see you happy

i want someone to tell me, that it was,
kind of because of me,
that they were happy.

_______

take down the love notes from the bookshelf.

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror

and i knew that she loved me,
when she loved me

a recipe you'll need to know

2007-07-21T09:45:00.000+08:00

Recipe for a horrible voice right before you have to sing for approval:

DURIANS. lots of it
A late night
Chili with everything you eat
Chocolate
Stay up all night crying and choking on your own tears

peektore 1

2007-07-20T15:56:00.000+08:00

hey there prettyyyys(:

The photoshoot went great, more pictures next time because i'm rushing off for class.

Go check out Steven Lim on Xia Xue's blog!
hilarious. he's OMFGGODAMN STUPID.

all my love!

must i?

2007-07-17T01:17:00.000+08:00

ink leaks from my pen,
forming words i hardly recognize as my own.
seeping through paper,
staining the white silk tablecloth,
like you did my heart.

take the paper and leave,
like you.
the mark,
still there,
visible and pained.

a scarr,
a memory that cannot,
even if i tried,
be erased.

your fingerprint,
upon my soul

will i, forever be condemned to see this, read this, feel this?
to love you from such a distance and yet be close enough to touch you,
feel you, and kiss you.

to love you, and know/ believe that you do love me too and yet,
be horribly desperate for reassurance (which i am hardly allowed)
and be so upset, that i cannot read your love,
barely feel it, but am
to know it,
simply by gut feel and belief?

must i, do i really have to,
sit in such a mix of emotions
and be overwhelmed by such a sense of,
hatred, almost.
jealousy, if i may,
sadness and just a hint of -
loss.

will there be an end to this?
i can hardly stand it.

it's repulsive and i shiver,
each time.
refusing to cry
and just left wondering -
why in the world i feel this way

i've never needed to make myself clearer,
have i?
and i will not now.

end of the rainbow

2007-07-16T16:41:00.000+08:00

my baby takes over my whole bed.
he's the guy i sleep with every night(:

isn't he seeeeexyyyyy

anyyyywayyyy,
my teenage icon journey is officially over.
i'm not being like egoistical and making excuses for myself,
but honestly,
they told us right before the competition that
It wasn't about singing.

they said they were now looking for an icon,
and already know who can sing and who can't,
but it's no more than an excess baggage, if we may.

oh wells

writer's group toniiiiight.

can't wait for next week(:

contestant 14

2007-07-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

votevotevote!

oh you know, i noticed for the question about different marketing, some people put completely incomprehensible answers.
ie; lots of advertisments.

huh?

haha. oh wells. see you guys on either Saturday or Sunday!

double chocolate chip!

2007-07-13T23:16:00.000+08:00

i am so fucking sick that i'm seriously getting like,
worried.

i can't sing properly
and my entire body is like fucking aching.

i've got a fucking temperature and i had to miss lessons today

i can't fucking sing and i've got teenage icon on sunday.
i've got half a mind to just like, not go
so i don't embarass myself

then there's tomorrow's showcase.
i don't think anyone's gonna be there, it's not important.
and this idiot aquaintance i've made is a tad bit annoying.

so well,
i woke up this morning feeling quite good even though i still had a cough/phlegm/runny nose
i was reeeeeaallyyy looking forward to today
so i baked cookies!
Double Chocolate Chip(:

took medicine and ate at regular intervals.

i settled down with late lunch
and wanted to sleep off my medication before class.
i got worse though
and taa daa
here i am, clearing my throat (which is apparently quite bad)
reaching for lozengers and trying my damnest to take any medicine i can find so that i'll be better by tomorrow.

Fuck it.

my competition's important so i will fucking get better.

i've been cheered up immensely by a darling friend of mine, and so,
don't feel all that unloved.

i've made myself soup, soon mommy and janice will be home from watching hairy potty.

with all the great reviews about Transformers,
i'm terribly tempted to watch it.

i'm a sucker for good storylines
and bril acting.
i heard Shia (we call him the Even Stevens guy. haha)
is reeeeaally reeeaally good.
hmmm

i wanna watch Surf's Up too.

but first things first,
i wanna get beeeetter!

uh oh.

it's already like, 11:13pm.

i'm gonna go sleep early.
so that i will be up and sunny tomorrow.

cross my fingers,
i really hope i'll be better.

i'm scraping my low notes and croaking a lot.
if i'm ot well enough to do a good job on sunday,
i might not turn up.
or maybe i will, you know,
just to see if i can get in while sounding like a frog.

okay.
me want soup.

you know what? i looooove you too

whoaaaa

2007-07-13T00:30:00.000+08:00

fucking spaz.

i'm sorry i havn't been updating because i've been like, busy with,
life in general.

Michelle's leaving next tuesday and i've only gotten to spend one night with her.
a night that had us both fucking drunk, high and throwing up all over the place,
but still.
it's not quite enough):

so yes, i suppose i will tell my grandchildren one day, that,
the day before her O level orals, a few days before her major competition and
the day after having a fever,
i was like partying and getting so pissed that everything was incredibly funny.
that aside, my legs are like fucking aching.
it feels like
no, i won't tell you what it feels like. haha.

cheeky's = hoooooome(:

sooo apparently, july eleventh came and went without releasing august's Teenage.

butbutbut,
i have details my darlings! and it's all about the details(:

This Saturday

the Semi - Finalist showcase.

so you'll kinda get to know us, see us parade around aaand,
you can start voting! yay you!
this will be from 1pm-6pm

we'll be asked questions onstage and basically,
this is to promote the next day's event.

i know i dont look bril, shut up.

Sunday, July fifteenth 2007

Semi finals for Teenage Icon

12pm - 9pm

Level one Atrium, right outside CarreFour

i'm not sure exactly when the singing is gonna start,

and i'll probably only find out on saturday.

so i promise i'll blog then.
meanwhile, spread the word

my neck hurts):
will someone be a darling and give me a massage?

i'm fucking tired, i need my bed like soooo badly right now.

sigh

ihateher ihateher i.hate.her

well, it's like two different hers i was thinking about.

one, who just like,
turned out to not be so nice and basically,
the bitch that everyone else has said she is.

and the other,
oh i don't know.
i've never liked her, really.

i hate this.
why do i feel so crummy.
i hate feeling like this. i hate it so much.

now, we all know there must me some sort of reason that makes you wanna go like all drunk and high and cast everything into the bin which you'll be leaning over and puking into.

it isn't terribly hidden, is it?
i can't get over him
and it's not like i want to right now either.

can you make a wish at like 1:11am?

my nose is blocked and i can't talk anymore,
i've just been fucking croaking.

CROAKCROAKCROAK

come save me? -weak smile-

okay, now for Charis' wise words of the day!

Children are like Tattoos.
you look better with them, you can't get rid of them
and the process isn't painful, it's just funnnnnn

haha.
okay, shutting up.

GOODNIGHT WORLD!

ps! i looooooooooved last night even though i had the mother of all hangovers this morning. update you on THAT another time(:

flames to dust

2007-07-09T22:34:00.000+08:00

one of my favourite pictures, as you might be able to tell.

so this afternoon was messed up,
and any attempt on my part to makeup was completely disregarded.

there's nothing much else i can do, is there?

so i've attempted to clean up my room,
only finding myself settling on the sheepskin carpet and pulling out that forbidden box.

i tilt it towards me, pulling out familiar thingies,
reading stuff i recognize as my own handwriting.
placing dates.

then i pull out old presents.

i suppress the urge to cry-
pick up old tickets and let them fall back into the box, carelessly almost -
rummage through pieces of cloth, paper and a couple of soft toys.

there's an old present.
a night light with a cardboard outline of the southern hemisphere.
my seventh month present to him.

i pick it up,
it's in pieces.
the edges i had carefully taped together are ripped from each other, flattened out to fit the box.
the night light and other half of cardboard are disjointed.
run my fingers over the holes in the cardboard.

when the nightlight shines through those holes,
it projects the whole southern hemisphere in your room.

i trace the little extras i've punctured in:
happy 7th month
i heart you

flames to dust
lovers to friends
why do all good things come to an end

my mind can't help wandering back and recreating the night i made that for him.

it's like a tattoo,
you never forget what happened,
how you made the art piece.
you don't forget how you felt, ever

i spent all of two hours
puncturing little holes into traced out pictures of star warriors and whatnot.
punctured tinier holes in order to link one star to another to another, and yet another.

i was contented and happy when i was done.
my blistered fingers meant nothing because i was sure
so sure he'd love it.

who knew that a year on,
i'd be pulling it out of a heap,
carefully taped edges torn and nothing more than -
to anyone -
a piece of junk.

and all i could do was curl up and cry and cry,
the sounds from my throat,
barely recognizable as my own.

my head hurts from crying too much,
and my eyes are sore.

i'm gonna take a huge bunch of pills and go to bed now.

2007-07-09T16:48:00.000+08:00

it's incredibly strange,
how, even after i blogged out my frustrations, i went on to post pictures up.
somehow, strangely, i had gotten over the whole episode extremely fast.
but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary, really.

now?
now, probably after reading my blog and all,
you've told me that we shouldn't talk.
we shouldn't be talking because it doesn't feel right.

everytime i make a decision to stop communication,
usually just for a while,
it is never respected.
finally,
i've given up and given in.
allowing myself, ourselves, as much communication as we'd like.

it's not necessarily the best thing to do,
but who can deny how terribly crazy we are about each other?

and then, now it's come to this point. again.

over some incredibly silly minute thing, and my reaction to it,
you've decided we shouldn't talk anymore.

right. that makes so much sense.

and everything that's happened this weekend...
god i'm not even gonna go there.

just when i think that i've managed to come to a point where i stop crying everyday.
perhaps that's never actually possible.

fuck i don't know.
i hate myself so fucking much right now.
i hate everything that's happened.
and i fucking wanna fucking curl up and fucking die

random peeektooore post!

2007-07-09T15:57:00.000+08:00

RAHH! i am the evil jeans monster! FEAR ME

my adorable baby sister

young and beautiful
my son, when he was into Abraham lincoln. click on the picture to zoom and read the words(:
it couldn't have gotten anymore perfect
both, fucking drunk and i just look bloody gross.meanwhile, someone else looks adorable

we were only thirteen. haha
Gawd i fucking miss her): abigail, alastair's sister

fourteenth birthday(: i look different eh?
you won't believe it, that girl in the black tank is me. omg i was so fucking thin.
and now i'm not

and the one in blue, is clara. and now she's just fucking hot.

yea. i can hardly believe it too. it doesn't fucking look like me.
i want my old body back!

missing school

haha

math class, you either read a book or doze off
we are cool! bra belts forever!
spaz

vee just looks bad.haha

or, you just go to the toilet, no?
chinese papers make good pillows

retard around

gawd, wasn't that ages ago?
flushed and happy
my pretty face

my little adorable munchkin who i'm still in love with
spaz mode
Teenage icon. Heats 3, batch 2

peace out yo

myspace. or the lack thereof

2007-07-09T15:10:00.000+08:00

i was browsing for Myspace layouts and when asked what i was doing,

i told him so.

Then, after i said that Myspace seemed easier and more interesting,

i had a sudden hurl of insults saying i was

"becoming singaporean"

because that was what Singaporeans cared about.

and simply, i was being

"childish"

please excuse me.

but pray tell, how in the world does getting a Myspace account make you childish/

more singaporean?

in fact, i got a myspace account because it seemed the least Singaporean thing to do.

everyone else seems all caught up with Friendster, so much so that it is rather annoying.

especially because many ah lians and ah bengs go

"wah lao. friendster sucks leh." but they still use it.

and for me?

oh i like friendster. it's nice i suppose.

works the same way as Myspace except, believe it or not,

i was actually interested in reading Paris Hilton's blog post and stuff like that.

there you have it(gasp!)

my reason for having a Myspace account, or at least,

one of my reasons.

the silly thing about all this is,

i wasn't doing anything to anyone, wasn't being a bitch and wasn't talking to random people.

i was minding my own business, and was just about to blog talking about my new Myspace account and my lengthy week ahead.

What he said, i feel, was uncalled for.

i mean, i understand your personal opinion is after all, your personal opinion.

but there's a difference between

"haha. i think that's so singaporean, a bit childish actually. cos no one really cares about these"

as opposed to

"you're becoming more and more singaporean. it's so childish. it is but it's up to you. i'm busy. laters"

i mean, do you really have to hurl insults at me just because i got a fucking Myspace page?

it's a bit silly and uncalled for right?

okay i'm really like very close to tears because this whole thing is like fuckingfucking stupid.

what the fuck.

enough.

moving on, i'm going blading tomorrow morning! yay me!

and right after that, i've got like, math tuition. haha. omgomg.

it's a crazy week ahead.

haha.

after tuesday, i've got

photoshoot on wednesday and partyparty with michelle.

the next day, i'll have like school and Chinese Oral.

haha. what the fuck.

but you know, i havn't gottent to spend any time with Michelle whatsoever,

since she got back from America.

and she'll be flying back like next tuesday.

aye.

why's everyone leaving!

okay so anyyywayyy.

COME DOWN TO SUNTEC CITY

THIS COMING SUNDAY

AT 4PM,

LEVEL ONE ATRIUM

IT'S TEENAGE ICON SEMI FINALS.

PLEASE CAST YOUR VOTES

I MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT GET THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND BUT NONETHELESS,

CHECK OUT THE AMAZING TALENT(:

okayyy. so i'm off now.

add me at www.myspace.com/chaaaris !(:

ps! if you don't know what to get me for

Christmas/ belated birthday present/ thanks for being a great friend charis - day,

then i'd looooove a bedsheet and duvet set(:

RED WHITE OR PINK.

xoxo

God forbid

2007-07-09T00:08:00.000+08:00

i found myself on someone's friendster!o.o

oh i know i've ruined it for you guys,
so that's how i'll look like in August's issue of Teenage which will be coming on
july 11th, this wednesday (go figure)

diddums.

someone just fucking kill me please.
i've got O fucking Levels in three months and i spent the last
oh gawd, was it the past hour?
reading museum of twits.

between practicing for Teenage Icon as well as finishing my script,
i really ought to start studying.
which is kind of what i havn't really been doing.

God help me.

i'm extremely tired and my aircon has been fucking leaking like a bitch.
):

vocal training was fine, but because it was only about ten minutes per person,
improvement is minimal
maybe next year they'll have the sessions longer or something.

oh yes and erm.
guess who was there too(having her own lessons)
Julie.
a little bird told me she really can't sing,
explaining her failing to make it past Campus Superstar's second round.

okayokay,
i'm being a complete and utter bitch when she's never done anything to me,
and when my ex school is inclined to believe that it is in fact, the other way around.

okay, so whatever.

i'll wake up to sing and study and sing.

GO BUY AUGUST ISSUE OF TEENAGE MAGAZINE.
I LOOK FAT AND GROSS BUT MY HAIR IS NICE(:

i've gotten a new mouse for my com which is incredibly nice.

clickclickclick!

2007-07-07T23:42:00.000+08:00

http://members.optusnet.com.au/anti.n00b/ppp/Potter_Puppet_Pals_-_Trouble_at_Hogwarts.swf
ooooh fucking funnyyyyyy

check out hairy pottyyy

teenage icon clips!

2007-07-07T23:34:00.000+08:00

daaaaaahlings!

if you've missed my notsogreat performance at the heats,
here's the direct link to the videos.

http://www.teenage.com.sg/Teenage.Web/HomePage/Content.aspx?key=TI_snapsandvids_H&page5=4

the middle bit's been cut out and the full song's been split up into two seperate videos.

just in case the link doesn't work,
go to
www.teenage.com.sg

sign in:
username: withlove.me@gmail.com
pw: call me/text/email me to ask(:

from there, click on the tab(somewhere near the top)
that says TEENAGE ICON
when the page opens up, click on snaps and vids
and under vids, click page four.

mine's the last two clips.
it's not terribly great, sorry, i'll do better next round(:

other than that, entertain yourself with the brilliant (and not so brilliant) other contestants.

him & her

2007-07-06T22:22:00.000+08:00

i froze.
for that moment, it was like the world was at a standstill. i couldn't, just couldn't believe it.
"yea, like oh my gawd"
with a snap, air seemed to be breathed into everything around us.
except for me i guess.

we stopped, looking at each other.
slowly,slowly, taking in the reality of it all.
i was too numb to think it through properly, and so,
as it always does before raw emotion comes pouring through,
it was anger and bitchiness that rose within me first.

and i let it.
why shouldn't i, after all?
so we bitched and dissed.
perhaps, for a moment, it made us feel better.
really, it didn't.

we'd pause, let silence seep between us like slow growing vines,
and we'd acknowledge, if only just a little bit,
how painful it was.
the realization of this, and the betrayal
oh! the betrayal.

it didn't make sense, none of it did.
was it supposed to?
"what could she possibly have to gain from doing such a thing?"
i found myself asking him desperately
the answer is, simply, that there is no answer really.

i have known her for nearly a year, and he, barely a month.
choosing to judge for himself, he has but listened to all those warnings
and we, have known each other barely a week
how can it be that we find ourselves trusting the stranger of the two and how is it
that the other could have,
found it necessary to do such a thing?

it is painful,
and terribly scary to find this out, and in such a way.
oh, and hadn't it been barely twenty four hours when she threw her arms around each of us.
but i can't, and won't, deny that she is indeed, a nice friendly person.

perhaps if we hadn't gotten so close,
we wouldn't have been burnt so bad.

hearing the beeping of the closing doors and
walking away from my newfound kindered spirit,
i am suddenly overwhelmed with such disgust
and hurt.
reaching for my phone, he promises, in the first few seconds,
to be free to hear what i have to say.
"tell me, just tell me now"

and i try,
oh i do try.

"hold on i,"
background noise
"call you back"
and so i wait.

"it's not in dohby ghaut, it's in orchard. come over"
"my class. i'll sort out dinner myself"
"i'm sorry"

i wander up and down,
running my fingers absent mindedly over lightly dusted toys

i notice the sale of pillows,
soft, downy pillows.
smiling, but i realize that i had only one reason to buy that pillow.
that reason was now gone.
has been gone for, it must be nearly two months already.

and hour to kill,
my feet hurt and i am terribly tired.
i settle myself at cafe cartel.
"a chocolate mint frappe, thank you"
alone time.
writing, writing. always writing.

i feel a pang of, what is it?
pain? lonliness?
too cold to think

i dial his number
"hello?"
unfamiliar, high,
female.
"hell.."
i trail off, checking my phone to see if i've dialed the right number.

for the second time today,
my heart freezes

when i bring the phone back to my ear,
it's his voice
but suddenly i can't talk to him
"you didn't call back"
his hands are wet

suddenly, as much as i still want to,
almost, confide and pour out my heart and soul,
i can't.

i'm overwhelmed, yet again.
being overwhelmed so many times in a single day is really,
quite,
overwhelming.
ignore my dry humour.

my eyes are already wet.
it's a tad too much to take already.

first her, and then suddenly.
but i tried you see.
i so badly wanted to tell him, but he was too busy.
or something.
it's not that he didn't try,
not that he'd be blamed if he didn't because he isn't, at the end of the day,
my boyfriend,
but he was so caught up with thisthat and the other.
he was with friends, i can't interrupt that.

and even though he almost coaxed it out of me,
even calling me during math to ask,
i couldn't tell him.
it was almost like,
when i needed to tell him, i couldn't.
and it got stuck in my throat, together with tears that had involuntarily sprang to my eyes.

and suddenly i'm filled with such nothingness,
such absolute nothingness.

i could cry.
i do,
almost.
but check myself.

nothing else makes sense,
nothing needs to, really.
and notice how terribly tired of the world i am.

"i hate to tell you this, but,
i told you so"
yea i know you did.
i know you're right again.
and you ask yourself, will there be just once,
when she's wrong.
when the world isn't so ugly.

we'd laugh at her exaggerated tales and fluffly blanks
but it cannot be anymore than.

11:11 make a wish

wish i could be, part of that world
oh too coincidental!

and where are you now,
when i need you.
i'm sorry,
i shouldn't right?
because you can't,
simply cannot, care for me.

i'm sorry, i shouldn't,
i can't expect that of you.

i can't help wondering,
if you still keep that pillowcase on.
or did you,wait, i think you returned it,
along with the love letter and everything i'd given you.

how silly of me,
i should've remembered, should't i?

the new pillow, clean and untouched,
it lies on my bed.
the pillowcase meant for it just not quite so perfect for it, anymore.

tell me how we can, you know,
when there is so much between us.
when inside, i'm dying.

i'll clink glasses, to her,
the friend who wasn't
and to him too,
the lover who just couldn't.

an update

2007-07-04T13:45:00.000+08:00

just to update you guys on my weekend(:

makeup is from silkygirl and hair,
gosh i don't know =x

sponsored top(: i looove
my stupid signature one eye big, one eye small pose
):

i think, though i'm really not very sure, that the series of pictures of teen icon semi finalists should be coming out erm
july 11th.

actually, i thought it'd be much later but then again, there's not much point if the magazine comes out AFTER the actual semi-finals eh?
so according to daanish, it's july 11th.

yay me(:

soooo apparently i was wrong about having sunday to myself.
i've got vocal coaching, courtesy of Lee Wei Song music school and only because it's teenage icon.
haha.

oooh wells.
Ranjit apparently also want ernie, daanish and i to sing this weekend when we go on the field trip.
there's the pros and cons for that.

quite honestly, i don't want to appear like we're you know, showing the others up.
and it gets scarier because, being in the y2y,
as much as i want to win or be in the top three,
i fear that if that really does happen(oh dream come true!)
that there'll be rumours that the y2y people got helped along and stuff like that.

i don't want there to be even a shadow of doubt cast upon us if any of the three of us make it to the top.
i don't want the friends we've made to be lost, because they believe that there's been stuff going on under the table

okay, enough about my worries.

i've got a meeting at the CDC later, thank God we're living closer now.

our black table still hasn't come back yet.

in fact, all the signs we've put up asking for its return, no questions asked, have been just
ripped down and crushed up.
but i mean, people don't just do that at random, do they?
so perhaps whoever's taken our table ripped those signages down.

sigh.

mommy and i talked last night about my life plans and all.
what i'm gonna be doing next year, after my O's and stuff.
haha

it's weird, when people go "oh to get into poly"
or "if you wanna get into JC"
because the thing is, i'm not planning on going to either

haha. suprise suprise eh?

anywayyyy,
i need to hurry my fat ass off already.

i'll update you guys more, but for right now,

JULY 15TH 2007
SUNTEC CITY
4PM
IT'S THE SEMI FINALS OF TEENAGE ICON.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE THERE AND VOTE(:

love love
xoxo

missing table

2007-07-03T14:19:00.000+08:00

okay, if you guys have been to my new place,
you'd realize that we've left our black table outside due to the major lack of space in our tiny apartment.

well, it's been taken.
and this is like the second fucking time already.

recently i've started to get annoyed at every other little thing regarding this new place.
sooner or later, i know i'll have to stop tracing it all the way back and saying
"if my parents didn't split up this wouldn't happen"

i don't want my grouse to get incredibly out of control and have me just hating this damn place.
after all, i do like it because it's close to my friends, making it much easier to stay in touch.
it's also quite centralised, considering.

back in pasir ris, mommy once left her purse outside her house and our neighbours took it and kept it to give it back to her.
nothing was lost.
it's a purse for heaven's sake, which is easier to take and use(with all the cash inside)
as opposed to a fucking huge table which requires at least two people to take.

already, our mini bookcase which was left on this table had been taken and refused returning the last time our table went missing.

more so for it's sentimental value to us, what good is it to whoever's taken it?
the people living in this area,
are they like living on the edge of poverty and so incredibly skint and broke that they're eating off the fucking floor?

i am so fucking pissed off right now okay.
like damn fucking pissed off.

argh.

my table was still out there when i went down to meet bird at about nine plus i think?
and we were awake the whole time
so obviously, my guess is,
our table was taken in the middle of the fucking night.

gawd. what the fuck

an announcement

2007-07-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!

A BELLY BELLY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

BIRD'S MUFFINS TASTE SOOOOO FUCKING GOOOOOOOOD
YOU MUST MUST MUST BUY
I LIKE THE RASBELLY WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS

AND WE WILL ALL EAT BIRDS MUFFINS AND BECOME ROUND AND OBESE SO THAT SHE'LL FEEL THIN AND BE HAPPY.

haha.
i'm kidding.

but seriously.
her muffins are like daaaaaaamn fucking nice you guys just haaaaave to go get.

who ever bothers to actually read my blog that is.

okay,
next up,
not that you really need to know,
i've got a crazy busy schedule this week spilling over til next

(more for my reference than yours,
and also you know, in case i get murdered and no one knows where i was supposed to be)
my next few days are like

today: i had photoshoot for teenage icon semi finalists
tomorrow: i've got tuition and possibly a twinnie date
wednesday: i've got rehearsals with nad,marc, dewei for the upcoming shizz shazz
thursday, friday: i've got schoool. oh gawd

Saturday: field trip(havn't had one in years!) with the semi finalists and
guess who, mmm, y2y.
hahaha
Monday: photoshoot with teenage magazine again.
this time, for the september issue(which you guys better get)
the one where you can be fat and lok good.
something along those lines.

pooooft

oh yes, and O levels are coming up already.

but before that,
i'll have teenage icon semis (july 15th)
and performance with y2y (august)

end of the year, please come soon

kisses for free

2007-07-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

i hate losing stuff.

you just get this fucked up, horrid feeling inside.

Alastair lost his wallet today, more specifically, he and his friends saw a china lady pick it up and walk off with it.

okay, forgive me for my vauge details.

basically it rattled my nerves more than the idea of being onstage and singing.

i honestly felt like dropping everything and going over to pick him up.

and i wonder what would happen if i had.

it mightn't have helped much but.

gawd i don't know.

okay, well and update is in order.

YES. YOU DID MISS THE TEENAGE ICON HEATS

to think i even went down to PL asking you guys to come

i didn't start of brilliantly, because the low note hindered voice projection of any sort.

BUT

i did get in and make it to the semi finals!

OMGOMG! YESYESYES!

haha

SO. YOU GUYS WHO MISSED OUT ONCE,

THE SEMIS WILL BE HELD AT

SUNTEC CITY

ON JULY THE 15TH 2007

don't miss it cos i have my doubts about getting into finals.

the seven people in my group are just like,

fucking awesome.

two, Pammy and Sandra who i personally felt sang a lot better than most of us,

didn't make it to the next round.

seriously,

i was so freaking stunned.

i was like, this can't be right,

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DIDN'T GET IN

they were really really good and probably had more diction than well,

a lot of us.

many people sang chinese songs.

omgomg.

hahaha.

you know how good i am with chinese songs right.

okay,

it just didn't seem to quite fit the whole teen icon thing.

nonetheless, three of the people in the chosen seven had sung chinese songs.

i have a looot to improve on.

for real.

anyway,

i'd really really really like to thank my darling buu and her twat,

veeeektor, mommy, janice, daddy, stepmom, Poh Lee(even though she'll never see this)

and Debbie and her mom.

i mean, you guys didn't have to but you did come down and it really really meant alot to me(:

i can't tell you just how much i appreciated it, really(:

i loved that the judges(two out of three)

clapped when i finished because i didnt see em clap for like, other people.

haha.

maybe they did la, i just didn't see okay?

it was also incredibly nice that when the crowd was asked who might make it to the next round,

that i had random,

unknown strangers screaming "twenty twoooo" and waving a peace sign in the air.

you know, because it's like two two which means like twenny two(:

haha.

momentarily stunned when i saw arms waving from the back.

it was nice though(:

i still need practice!

i'm going to bed now, i'm too lazy to download limewire at this fucked up hour.

YAY

i got into semis(:

lovelove

xoxo

2007-06-29T16:56:00.000+08:00

great, i didn't mean to have him miss his stop while checking through songs for me
now he says he's pissed off but it'll take a lot to believe that.

god.
i need a high enough window to throw myself out of

neither me, nor you

2007-06-29T14:38:00.000+08:00

and in our breathing, synchronized,
we fall asleep, entwined
one can tell neither the start, nor end
of each seperate body

my hand is yours, and yours,
mine
and even i, cannot tell either apart.

in the darkness we are far from lost,
and strangely comfortable
we fall asleep, dreaming of the other so real,
and waking up to find that it is

i bite my lip to keep the tears from falling,
keep my smile from faltering as i look up at you,
kiss the corner of your lips and tell you that
no, of course nothing's wrong, everything's fine.

disguised by my pretense of drunken unsteadiness,
i fall, willingly, into your open arms
i love you, like there was no difference between
today, yesterday and two months ago.

your touch is different, yet exactly the same.
i begin to count, unconsciously, the times you say i love you
and when you do, i pause too long before saying i love you too

i believe, when you ask me,
i do
i don't doubt, hardly.
i want to wait and i,
i love you too
i just, don't understand.

perhaps one is not supposed to be able to understand everything,
not everything.
but it's so hard to keep my tears and smile.
when i know, full well that
i still want to be with you.

and how,
tell me how, do i react when i tell you that i want to be yours but
you don't believe me?
are my words no more than child's chatter,
no please,
don't answer that.

i love you,
can you see that?
can you see me?
i love you, and no one's made me happier
no one's made me feel safer
why does it have to be like this?
if everything else is so,
so terribly clear,
why can't we be together?
why do i have to sound like i am begging for a love that refuses to be mine?

gosh.

this is so tough.
it's like,
we're alright.
not complete, but just, alright.

am i just being absolutely silly here?

am i?

might i be yours, sir? please?

with a pang

2007-06-29T13:43:00.000+08:00

me like this peeektoore!

HAPPY NATIONAL SIBLING DAYYYYY!
WHOOOO!

yes, apparently it's National Sibling Day but only in like twenty-something states.
still.

so anyway, i had a greeeaaat time yesterday.
it was gorgeously fun and i didn't even get drunk!
whoo hoo.

my body is aching and i'm planning on changing my hair again.
haha.
like you know, having "undyed" hair and removing my extentions.
surprisingly, it's kinda hard looking after your hair when you've got extentions in them.

i've never had them in for this long, and i've barely hit a month with my hair extentions.
haha.
i just really like them cos they feel real and they're like, pink and purple.
excess washing is taking its effect though.

soooo.
i read my buu's blog, especially the bit about O's and stuff.
i don't think i've told anyone but,
as much as it doesn't seem it,
i'm just as scared.

sure, i don't have much to worry about in comparison to all my friends in PL.
nonetheless,
i'll admit, quite readily, that i am scared.

of course, i believe very strongly that one does not need a piece of paper to determine where you're going.
the rest of your life, your entire future should not be hinged on your O level certificate.
because as you continue on studying,
you'll find that the "your future" line is attached to every other exam.

the next big-assed exam will be your A levels or something.
or you'll be trying to get more certificates, more papers which state that you've got a degree or something.

the reason i want to do well for my O levels is so that i can get over it and move on.
It's so that i can say I've done it, and not just for the sake of doing it or because i had to.
It's because i actually want to.

yea, believe it.
i do actually want to do my O levels and do well.

thinking about the upcoming O levels gets my palms sweaty and i swear my eyeballs start rolling backwards and i'm about
this close to going into convulsions.

i woke up the other day wondering if it was a mistake to leave PL.
it's the enforced discipline i guess,
the excess work and lessons they give us which basically leave you with little time to yourself, but you have time to yourself at the end of the day.
my school on the other hand,
requires a lot of self-study.
there's so much free time that you don't know what is deserved and what is underserved.
it's up to oneself to study, and study hard.

there's pros and cons on both sides i guess

it's just scary,
knowing that O levels is exactly three months and three weeks away.
on top of that (i know i got myself into this, okay)
i've got Teenage Icon tomorrow,
and if i make it to semis, it's another performance in august.

there's also a reunion Skins shizzshazz which i can't wait to do.
it's also in august.

sigh
typing all this out and being truly realistic with myself,
i know i'm gonna have to study harder, a lot harder.
just so that i can afford to take time off for my rehearsals and whatnot.

oh gawd. i'm getting stupider!

me,sitting beside tv: hey this song is nice!
janice:yea
me: the guy looks familiar, who is it?
janice, narrowing eyes: Bon Jovi

yea, okayyyy
i guess i should get off the com and do something constructive.
my body's aching like a bitch

erm yea.

2007-06-27T14:48:00.000+08:00

Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just...
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don't need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!Woman #2: Honey, just...
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn't involve y'all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home...

OMG!
HHAHAHAHAAHHAHA
HILARIOUS!

Big black woman to son: I'm gonna smack you so hard, you're gonna taste it!
Son, wailing: I don't want to taste it!
Passerby: I don't want to taste it either.

THIS CAN ONLY HAPPEN IN AMERICA.
HAHAHAHA

Guy handing out fliers: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Goth girl: No! I hate happiness!

this kinda reminded me of an exaggerated drapes.
of course, she's not like that but yea well.

Student: Do I need to do the math extra credit project?!
Teacher: Yes, because on Friday when you come to me and ask if you are failing, I'm gonna laugh at you. Then you will go home and tell your family that I laughed at you. Then they will come up to school and yell at me and I'll laugh at them.

Singapore schools need weirdo teachers like this!

okay, i shall start commenting ABOVE the joke from now on.

i'm glad we dont see this everyday. but it's funny to read.
i hope you guys like, get it

Hobo to male passerby: Spare change? Anything helps -- God bless.
Passerby: Get a job.
Hobo: Get on your knees and give me a job!

In singapore, this would just be downright weird:

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That's the last train in the world!

okayokay,
i'm shutting up now.
nothing quite intelligent to say(:

lesbian one-liners

2007-06-27T14:35:00.000+08:00

a reel of lesbian one-liners for my darlings! :

Father to kids cupping statue's penis: Come on, girls, it's time to leave. You'll be lesbians before you know it.
--Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You're upset that the woman could tell we're dykes. I'm upset that she insulted us because we're dykes.
--16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.
--207th St station

AND THE BEST OF THE LOT!

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!
--E/V platform, 5th Ave

testtt

2007-06-27T12:32:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

your turn!(:

alien baby

2007-06-27T11:08:00.000+08:00

http://www.livevideo.com/video/ConspiracyCentral/0A6358ADBC254A8FA34ACC407B45460C/alien-baby-found-in-dumpster-n.aspx

go to this link,
it shows the full length video of a finding of some sort of alien baby.

it was taken a couple of years back.

it's the saddest shit ever.

okay, perhaps i'm getting worked up over nothing.
all the comments i read on this video seemed adamant on believing that this was just some shit cooked up using special effects.
but if you notice there's hardly any special effect shit going on there.
other comments claim you can get that toy alien and lay it in the dumpster,
yet another claims it's too small in size to be real and the founders of this alien don't behave like they've found an alien.

would it make it more real if they were like exclaiming and stuff?
if you put yourself in that time zone, you'd realize(if you were them)
that you'd probably freak out,
and then whip out your camera phone to take videos and pictures.
by the time you do that, the initial shock would probably have passed.

someone mentioned it could be a toy, and another says it's too small to be real.
if you look closely, there's a whole mess of stuff around it though it's not clear what it is,
they were referred to as icecubes.
whatever.
anyway,
when the camera zooms out, you'll see more of the dumpster and its contents.
and you'll realize that alien thing is really tiny.
smaller than one's hand.

in my opinion,
if it were a toy, why would it be that small?
no, i didn't see the end of a keychain sticking out of it's head.
if it were a toy, it wouldn't really be that small.
and right on tape,
you'll notice(about the same time as they do),
the showing of teeth.
toys don't have teeth and furthermore, toys don't open their mouths to bare their teeth at you.

Honestly,
the only thing that's unbelieveable,
is how the alien baby looks a hell lot like cartoon aliens.
its eyes aren't black but you know, just the shape and stuff.
actually, it was just the head that looked like what we see on television.

it didn't have hands, as you will see.
just about four tentacle-like thingies.

So yea,
i am quite inclined to believe that this video is real.
call me gullible and a bimbo,
but i've laid out my reasons for thinking so.
and it's felt a hell lot like social studies.
i got incredibly annoyed at thos comments which were immediately like
"OH COME ON IT'S SO FAKE"
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS WAS ALL DONE ON THE COMPUTER"
"WHAT WERE THEY DOING LOOKING AT A DUMPSTER TO BEGIN WITH"

that kinda bullshit just annoyed me.
they seemed such knowitalls.
and perhaps, if in reality, this video was just some ass's idea of a joke,
they're right and i'm stupid.
nonetheless,
it's the comments and the disbelief that probably caused other commenters to think,
"okay, i don't wanna look stupid and gullible"
so they go
"WOW. COOL EFFECTS"

Whatever.

this is an extremely sad video which reflects horrible on the human race actually.
these people, the finders of this alien, took the time to video the thing, zoom in zoom out,
take pictures(as you'll see in the video)
and yell to each other to send them the pictures.
one talks about the money they'll get for this.

WHY?

they laugh, they jostle and you can tell it's a cold night out
and they take videos and pictures of this baby that's bare-skinned and lying next to a couple of ice cubes!

HELLO!

no one makes any attempt to pick the baby up,
nothing.

call me stupid,
but i'm thinking along the lines of my decision that the alien is real.
It could've been a real alien on the planet,
or perhaps a baby that was given birth to by a human and dumped because it was just this,
creature.
this obviously inhuman thing.

whatever it is,
the first thing i would do is reach into the dumpster, take the baby out and wrap it up.
i could've cried watching the video.
they snapped photos, laughed saying "shit".
and they talked about the money they'd get for the video.
all i'm thinking about is,
what if that baby is cold. from their thick jackets you can tell it's cold so even without those damn icecubes around the baby,
it might be freezing.
maybe if it was an alien it needs to be kept cold.
or something.
geez i really don't know.

but my first instinct would be to pick the baby up and keep it warm.

have they no heart?
whether or not it's human, it's a baby.
it's a small creature left helpless in the dumpster.
and all you do is take pictures?
WHAT THE FUCK

yes, i was really upset about this.

now,
if this is real,
i'm wondering where the body is now.
it's probably dead given the lapse of time it took for those dimwits to pick it up,
if they even did that at all.
my guess, from the sound of it,
they just left the baby to die keeping with them their video of a souvenier.

point:
as of right now, nearly two years on, this alien baby is either dead or being worked on by scientists.
i hate people who conduct experiments on creatures they don't know.

okayokay, i digress.

the video is sad, go watch it.
i shall continue about my intense loathing of people who conduct experiments on unknown creatures.

they draw blood,
poke it around and try to find out it's living conditions.
extreme exaggeration here, i know,
but what do they do to find out how it survives?
stick it in a freezer and if it dies,
"oh. guess it doesn't live in the cold"

you know how the japanese conducted experiments on the singaporeans?

yea.
it kinda feels like that.

okay.
enough about alien babies.

go watch the video already.

playing mom

2007-06-24T23:07:00.000+08:00

i've been meaning to post for like, freaking ages.
caught up with just, so much to say and never getting round to it.
darn

mommy and i have kissed and made up.
dawn got me thinking you know,
like what my advice would be to someone of my age, in my situation.
hmmm

anywayyyyy.
gosh, i've been terribly lazy of recent.
i was horribly tired last night, after three hour tuition.
mm, indeeeed.

my essay writing, plot wise, seems to be going down the drain.
or rather longkang.
all i seem to bring to mind at my fingertips,
is something regarding my dreamed up future family life.
terribly boring to write about after a while.
okay, who am i kidding, it's not boring to write but i get self-conscious.

so,
i love how domesticated i become when i'm left alone for like,
long periods like this.
it's strange, really.
i look out the window and see how sunny it is,
but while most people my age would talk about swimming or what a bitch the weather's being,
i say:
"GOSH IT'S A LOVELY DAY FOR MY LAUNDRY!"

no, seriously.
just today, i've done two loads of laundry. they're incredibly overdue, i must admit.
one load was a set of bedsheets which i took off my bed like
a couple of months ago.
that sounds gross but i've been procrastinating simply because it's not just about washing the load,
it's about having space to hang it up and of course,
if Mr Sun is having a good hair day.

and for everyone else who think that laundry is easy,
yes it is.
but imagine being your mother and doing it every single day.
now that's, not easy.
especially because with good sun, laundry needs two day outside for it not to smell bad,
and without sun, a couple more days would be better to keep them from smelling like you use a garbage can for your wardrobe.

okay,
i really need to shut up about laundry.

i'm off to watch shrek 3 todayyy.
actually i'm kinda late already.
haha
soooo.

i'll update more tonight, or tomorrow morning.
because nights are usually left for family com-time.
and i'm lazy too.

toodles for now(:

xoxo

last night

2007-06-23T15:21:00.000+08:00

last night brought as much laughter and giggles as it did tears and pain.
excuse me while i tear my hair out.

i had incredible fun with paddy paddylicious(:
i do hope she had fun too

so mommy's not talking to me after i came home at a godforsaken hour.
i don't exactly blame her for being mad at me,
but still it's upsetting that she's doing this cold war thing.

i was left out of lunch,
and the last time i ate was like, yesterday's lunch.
and famous amos at seven i guess.
i've kinda dealt with my hunger pangs already, so never mind that.

i'm gonna come visit PL on mooondayyy!
can you guys pleasepleaseplease tag my board and leave your break timings!
i find myself quite a nuisance when i pester people for their break timings.

pfft.

okay so anyway, goodbye june hols and i'm really gonna start hitting the books.
i got 30/70 for my mid years' Chi paper 2,
and even though that isn't a pass, it's closer to a pass than i have ever been.
plus, the paper was incredibly hard okay!
so i've gotten this huge confidence boost, knowing that if i work harder, i could probably pass.
i should also probably get round to doing the homework alastair gave me,
problem is,
(alastair love, please don't get mad!)
i kinda forgot what it is i was supposed to do.

BUT FEAR NOT!
i will figure out what i need to do and do it
aye ass aye pee!
that's asap for you bimbos out there(:

ugh. some horrid song is playing on mtv.
it goes
this is why i'm hot and repeats for most of the song and has random random words fitted in just to rhyme with the word hot.
ugh.
ie;
this is why i'm hot
you ain't cos you're not

ah lao!
it doesn't take brains to write a song like that.
it's not even freaking rap.
urgh.
i hate no-talents):
boo you!

i'm more cynical than i'd like to be

xoxo

the load on my mind

2007-06-22T00:31:00.000+08:00

apparently the results for the last two heats have come out.
it's rather scary, honestly speaking.

Especially because i'm not exactly confident of my chosen song.
i do hope(please, oh please)
that it's not too late to change my song.

i've been flipping through those who've advanced to the semi finals.
it's freaking me out a bit,
cos i don't know if i'm gonna be able to be one of those with the huge red words screaming
advanced to semi-finals

it'd be nice,
but i'm terribly jittery.

furthermore,
the concert i'm supposed to be throwing clashes with my competition.
i'm hoping it'll be on the first july rather than the day before because everyone seems busy on saturday.
still,
nothing's confirmed.
i don't even know if a stage's been booked for my concert so,
gawd knows what's happening right now.

i'm freaking tired right now.

i want bed

there's you and me

One more night

2007-06-20T17:04:00.000+08:00

Try as he might, he's unable to speak
He grabs her by the hair, strokes her on the cheek
The bed is unmade, like everything is,
dark little heaven at the top of the stairs

Take me like that,
ruin it all
Then build it again, by the light in the hall
He drops to his knees,
says please my love, please
I'll kill who you hate,
take off that dress you won't freeze

One more night, that was a good one
One more night, i dreamed it'd be a good one
One more,
One more night, that was a good one
One more night, the end
should be a good one
a good one

He starts with her back, cos that's what he sees
When she's breaking his heart, she still fucks like a tease
Release to the sky, look him straight in the eye
and tell him that now, that you wish he would die
You'll never touch him again,
So get what you can
Leaving him empty just because he's a man

So good when it ends,
they'll never be friends
One more night, that's
all they can spend

One more night, that was a good one
One more night, i dreamed it'd be a good one
One more,
One more night, that was a good one
One more night, the end
should be a good one
a good one

i suppose i was the last to know,
that my link's been changed on his blog.

what joy

speseeooh

2007-06-20T15:50:00.000+08:00

there was a time where you'd say "hold it,"
and i'd lie still, smiling, posing,
just for you.

you'd smile, more to yourself than anything,
grinning like a mindless idiot,
and say how awfully cute i look.

obviously your idea of cute is quite different from mine,
nonetheless,
i knew how special i was to you,
and how special i felt whenever that happened.

"you make me beautiful," i used to tell you
and oh how true it was.
it was the way you pushed my hair out of my eyes,
the way you'd hold my hand even when it was clammy,
the way you'd suddenly smile at me, for no apparent reason.
i felt incredibly loved.
that sounds rather sad, like i feel unloved all the time.
that's not it, really.
it's just that i felt,
so special, like i was the only one he'd ever loved like that.
and that meant a lot to me.

He was good at that,
making a girl feel special.
everyone said so too,
that he knew how to treat a girl right.
I think a lot, you know.
(no jokes about my brain hurting, thank you)

I think about how we'd be like,
if i didn't do what i did.
I wonder if we'd still be struggling to cope with our workloads and yet,
still be adamant on our "forever and ever".
i suppose our breakup was the add up of a lot of things,
but in many ways, i'm sure his decision wouldn't have been so final
if i hadn't, you know.

It gets me everytime though.
thinking about how it was him who never wanted me to leave,
how it was him who claimed he could never be without me and yet,
it was him who left.
it was him who returned me everything i gave him, even truffles.
He's the one who's deleted all our pictures from his computer.

everytime i think about it,
all i want to do is throw everything away,
everything he's given back to me.
i want to toss it out
just so i don't have to think about it.

i need to stop having such horribly emo posts.

next week marks the end of the holidays,
and the start of school for everyone.
I don't feel much diff of course, because i have more free time than study time anyway.
That has its own downside but,
i'm going to start studying properly by myself.
The start of school basically just signals the end of smelly kids crowding my precious Starbucks(:
haha
gawsh
what a bitch i am.
oh well

the little ones will all be back where they belong and joy oh joy!
the streets will be void of those screams and buckets of piss.
YAY me(:

as yet,
i havn't confirmed the dates of my heats so,
forgive the delay, i'll tell you guys soon.

tagboard's nicely up, leave your messages since you've been leaving your footprints here(:
(i know this blog isn't dead because i see the increase of stats!)
i've also got a Teenage Icon Profile.
if you wanna see it,
and leave messages there instead,
go to
http://www.teenage.com.sg
sign up for an account and look for
Charis Vera Ng under the fourth heats of Teenage Icon.

coolios y'all!

someone needs to go shoe shopping with me,
and pamper me crazy(:

xoxo

a wee update

2007-06-18T18:16:00.000+08:00

i caught clips of Curious Play,
a jap anime i used to watch.

it was the ep where Tamahome was evil and was out to kill miaka.
and when she finally got to him,
she said he could kill her if it meant he was gonna be okay,
and not die on her right then.

of course,
like all cliches,
she kissed him and ohohoh!
the power of love,
he started getting flashes of memory.

oh gawd, i'm shutting up.

drinks with victor was incredibly insightful.
i love talking with him,
because he gives proper advice rather than
"oh just get over him" kinda stuff.
on top of everything, a third person perspective is always helpful.

i'm told, in nicer words,
the whole
"every girl has the love life she wants" thing.
that my extremely cliche, tv-serial like love life is pretty much
just because i'm playing it like a freaking movie.

well,
as usual,
i'm pretty effing stuck right now.
i seem to know exactly what i should do or want to do,
except, whether or not it's a case of can't or won't,
i seem unable to actually carry out what i plan on doing.

so yes, i am still incredibly in love with him and i'm not actively getting him out of my life.
why should i?
he really does mean that much to me,
and to many extents, yes,
i do find myself waiting for him, almost.

it's just that i'm not sitting still,
fidgety and restless and stopping myself from doing as many things as i would,
if i were still in a relationship.

i don't want, and i hope he won't,
be stopped from getting into a relationship with anyone now.
whether or not we end up together ten years down the road is one thing,
but he shouldn't completely cut off the possibility of being with anyone else.

it might be painful for both of us,
like if i got together with someone now.
but at least we'd know that we've been with other people,
and yet we still find ourselves incredibly in love with each other
and still wanting to be together after so long.

no, that doesn't mean i'm gonna jump into the next relationship that comes along.
and it hurts like a bitch when he implies that,
or of course,
that i'm sleeping around.

gawd, anyway, i should really shut up on this subject,
it's like i don't have anything to talk about or something.

SO!

i've got an influx of good news!
Tab Tv 2, Ep 3 is coming out in September,
be sure to catch me on it then.

also,
august 8th is a revival of Skins' Aunty!
she (i) will be singing and acting!
YAY YAY YAY!

and on top of everything, my Heats for Teenage Icon has been moved up a day earlier!
SO SO SOOOO!
It's gonna be on the last day of this month,
on a Saturday from 5pm onwards.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME(:
and votevotevote!

my precious twin is turning sixteen soon
and
happy belated sweet sixteen to eme baby and
happy twenny fooourth to veeeektor

Eternal Sunshine On the Spotless Mind is a
Fantabulous show!
Jim Carrey's first serious movie.
he really is amazing as a serious actor.
i prefer him serious rather than obnoxiously humourous.
i wanna watch it AGAINAGAIN!

so it was clear,
how though i thought of her now and then,
i didn't miss her incredibly.
especially not like i missed him, even though he was only a couple of floors down.
weird isn't it?
she's awfully sweet,
i'm just,
not keen on going on a rebound.

sigh

i've got tuition in a while
and my sister's bugging me for the com.

i wish my twin would see how incredibly hot and gorgeous she is.
i'm saying it cos it's true.
and bones potruding all over the place won't make her half as beautiful as she already is.

i've cleaned up my template a bit more, so it's better now,
hopefully.
i've also put up a tagboard.
YES!
GASP! a tagboard!

i, who hate tagboards and the bad omen it brings.

haha

call it insecurity,
but i don't like having my tagboard grow old and dusty.
i love new messages and whatnot but you know,
who doesn't right?
and i don't like feeling forgotten,
as tagboards often make me feel because people stop taggin after a while.

haha
so keep leaving me messages(:

hugs and kisses!

and we'll dance around like this all, is nothing.
and we'll lie, more to ourselves than anything.

the answer to your question

2007-06-17T19:13:00.000+08:00

i spent two and a half years with him,
and i'm sorry that i seem to harp on about the length of time,
but for a sixteen year old, it is quite a lot.
especially for a first proper relationship.

don't we all promise forever and ever and ever?
and swear that all hearts will only beat for each other?
i only make those kind of promises when i really feel like it's not an empty promise.
so when i finally said that,
you could say i was committed.

quite

and didn't the whole world know it.
but now

but now

you've broken up
and you harp on to her and her on all the rest of them as well,
how much attention i get,
how i return it
and how it's not good for one to have such a "quality".
so you know,
since you think that,
then i'll assume us ever having a relationship ever again
is completely out of the question.

you ask me if i'm waiting,
but i'm cut off before i can give you a proper answer.
so here,
for whoever there is to see,
this is my answer, uncut and uninterrupted.

Yes, i am waiting for you. i want to.
and i almost hate myself for that.

this weekend, you haven't exactly been the warmest creature.
how is it that you'll kiss me,
to last me the weekend,
and the whole weekend when we're in closer proximity than usual,
it seems like you're further away than ever?

it's terribly unfair on me.
but gawd,
life is never fair.

as much as i want to wait for you,
i cannot hold onto the hope that one day, one day,
you're gonna ask me to be yours again.
what am i to say,
when that time comes?

am i to drop,
and just forget everything i've had to go through?
night after night of tears,
too much liqueur and as much pills as i dare to pop into my mouth?
do i just,
put it out of my mind, say yes and then
wonder about when the stress is gonna be too much for you
all over again and fear the moment you'll leave me all over again?
am i supposed to do that?
tell me,
am i?

so,
if only just a little bit,
i find myself needing to let go of you,
bit by bit.
why not the occasional drink, tattoo, piercing,
even smoke, perhaps,
because i can? supposedly anyway.

everyday is a battle,
and til today,
guess what?
i still find myself crying myself to sleep.

i know i could,
i could probably throw myself into the world and let all else take over.
fuck around and cut contact completely.
i could become someone you'd never know.
but somehow i'm not doing that.
Doesn't matter to you anyway

obviously you're fine with believing i've been sleeping around,
you believe too, that i gossip behind your back.

the older generation's inclined to believe that the problem with sleeping with guys,
is that they question your integrity,
adamant on believing that,
if we can sleep with one guy, we've probably slept with everyone else.

my answer to you,
here in this blogpost,
was intended to be sugary sweet, but straight from the heart.
now,
it's stained with my tears.
i hope it's real enough for you now.

a part of me,
will always be waiting for you.
but i really don't want to talk to you anymore.
i don't need you telling me that you're sure i've been sleeping around.
i don't need you calling me to ask me if there's someone else in bed with me.
i don't need you implying that i am a slut,
because i'm not.

i don't need to keep crying over you,
every single night.
because you know what?
i'm fucking tired of doing that.

and even though i can't,
maybe i've gotta stop loving you,
so i won't keep feeling this way.

bird. and me is tiwed, shuttingup.

2007-06-10T01:21:00.000+08:00

meet my bestest best friend,
Bird.
(:
gosh how random is this eh?
i've been eating a lot of durian and it reminded me of her.
durian-fanatic.

i've only known her since p5,
which honestly isn't as long as vicky has known her or anna i suppose.
but still,
for some reason(which eludes even me)
she's my bestest best friend.

i think it's the way she looks at me
(out of her cute little eyes)
when she's giving her deep, thoughtful advice.
or the way we used to take turns to call each other every single night,
and even though we don't anymore,
it only takes five minutes for all that distance to disappear.

i think it's the way that we hardly talk,
definitely not everyday, not even every week,
and yet,
when i really really need her, she's always there.

it's the way she's able to speak sense into me.
and she's the only person who'll make me stop and think.

i don't think we use labels of best friends and close friends.
after all, there's hardly a difference.
but i'd like to say, and i do all the time anyway,
that bird's my best friend.
i don't think i am but it hardly seems to matter,
cos she's still terribly special to me(:

she's gonna be the Godma/Goddykepa
of my last two baby girls;
Maxine Danielle & Jemimah Elizabeth.
as you can see, the youngest daughter's middle name is named after her.
haha.

okay,
enough randomness about bird lah.
her ego's gonna get blown up.

my twinniest twinnie came over to church today!
i think she liked it,
i know i did(:
accompanied C to get her tattoo.
it's fucking nice! i like it sooo much!
hahah.

details another time.
me is belly tiwed!

night wite!

13 mins to go

2007-06-07T22:46:00.000+08:00

with exactly thirteen minutes left on the computer,
and no plans whatsoever to come on again,
this is my hi and bye(:

i quite love my new layout,
and i spent ages on it.
like freaking ages okay!

my sister said my last skin was nicer cos it's got my face all over it.
i know i'm gorgeous, but even i get tired of my beauty.
HAHA
omg, i'm kidding! i'm kidding!

well this one's got my face too):
though it's not a main main thing.
i shall learn how to put my picture up like as part of the skin or something.
maybe, maybe.

anyway,
i know the whole thing isn't completely tidied up,
pleasepleaseplease forgive me.
i'm disgustingly tired.

anyway,
to my darling twin:
i'm sorry about what happened today,
i wish i could be there for you.
i'll design you a dress and we'll make you look like the gorgeous bitch you are.
i love you so so much.

and to my babyest baby:
i hope you're happy with the whole library thing!
omgomg, i miss you so fucking much,
i can't wait to see you on monday.
especially because you're always too busy for me these days):
i love you i love you i love you.

and to my darling bird;
can you see now? haha.

loves!
oh look, five miutes to spare!

do i love you?
don't you know by now?

an update that comes with tears

2007-06-07T13:41:00.000+08:00

i could have lived with dying,
and never knowing the pain my heart could feel
when i fell in love

i've basked in the glory of my former post long enough.
too many words, and feelings squeezed into a post.

anyway,
back from my crazy, stressful few days in Malaysia with my out of town relatives.
do not. even. get. me. started.

coupled with the fact that i came straight from my "holiday", crashing into my mid year exams.
oh, and didn't i mention that i realized a little too late,
(when i was doing the math paper, to be exact)
that
the full time students are way ahead of the part time students and thus,
it's a guranteed fail for my math.

nonetheless,
i did my mid years knowing that i'd be strong enough not to be disheartened.
(gosh, i hate that word. it's so drama and cliche)
i did my mid years to see exactly where i stand,
to scare myself into knowing how much harder i need to work and knowing
what it is i need to work on.

i need help with variation, trigo and pythagoras' theorem as of right now.
i use the words "as of right now" because it's only the beginning of my problems.

upon clearing out my wallet(i got a new wallet! YAY ME!)
i discovered this slip of paper with maths formulas scribbled on it.
Angela gave it to me in her last ditch attempt to save me from Ms kok last year,
and i've kept it with me in case i need to cheat.
(oh my morals! tsk)

well anyway,
i used to look at it every other since the test.
as a result, that slip of paper started to become redundant simply because i began to know and understand my stuff!
but when i've heard the word "variations" recently,
i'm completely freaked.
looking at the tiny slip of worn out paper,
i find it amazing that i have actually understood all that before!

to add on to my huge amount of stress,
we started on mensuration and a whole bunch of even more mathematical stuff last night!

horror of horrors!

on a lighter,
much more beautiful note(:

I GOT INTO TEENAGE ICON! ANDANDAND! I WAS THE FIRST TO GET IN TOO!
perhaps that was due to the fact that i was first in line

BUT STILL!

SO ANYWAY, YOU, YOU AND YES YOUYOUYOU TOO,
EVERYONE READING THIS BLOG,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME DOWN TO:

TAMPINES MALL
ON THE FIRST OF JULY,
SUNDAY,
AT 4PM,
THE OPEN PLAZA ON THE FOURTH LEVEL.

EVERYONE IN THAT PARTICULAR ROUND OF HEATS WILL BE SINGING,
INCLUDING ME!(:
I'LL BE ONE OF THE LAST FEW BUT PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, HANG IN THERE AND WAIT FOR MY PERFORMANCE.
AND IF YOU THINK I'M WORTH IT,
VOTE VOTE VOTE!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
I'LL NEED AS MANY VOTES AND SUPPORTERS AS I CAN POSSIBLY POSSIBLY GET!

yes, well, that's how my life's been going of late.
but other than this sudden bursts of excitements, i'm left to myself,
taking in each day as it hits me,
painfully, and with it's usually cold greeting of lonliness.

no please,
don't chuck me under that emo catagory.
i think it's harder for me that it is for him.

after all,
he's the one who's getting requitted with his old friends and lovers.
and i really do mean that literally.
one of the exes before recently told him she liked him.

is it hard to believe that i'm not in guffaws and hitting every other club in town with anyone who'll go with me?
because the truth is,
i'm really not.

being without him would technically have given me the right to do all that,
but i don't.
and i don't want to.

every person's love life, is exactly as they want it to be. - the wedding date

and as true as it is that my pain is only present because i allow it to be,
i also, at the same time,
am not allowing myself to go around making out with random people.
(those two since him was not making out, and i wasn't into it anyway!)

for the longest time, i started out drinking myself half to death
then i stopped and
for another while, i decided i would do whatever it takes to make myself happy again.
i would party, i would scream and i would have fun.
anything to take away the gust of emptiness i felt each night.
but then,
as soon as i decided that,
he made me change my mind.

and then i decided that i would wait for him, for as long as it took.

i was given a variety of reasons:
-he's out for revenge. you hurt him and it's his turn to hurt you
-or that i'm no longer a person to him, just something he needs control over

believe me, everything's hard to believe, crazily hard to believe.

he gave me back everything in a box,
everything except my freedom.

of course,
that is completely not his fault because i'm the one who's letting him have my freedom.
this subconcious "you still have me, can i have you too" thing.
typing that out, against my self-denial has started my tears.
gawd, i'm being silly.

but even though we've broken up,
it's undeniable how special we are to each other.
for now at least.
and when he asks me where i am and who i'm with and why i'm not home when it's past midnight,
i feel obliged to give him an honest answer when the fact is,
i don't have to.
okay, i'll admit, i feel as much obliged to answer him as he feels he has a right to know.
what really gets me is that,
he's out with random people, old friends -to be fair, persons i have never even heard about.
and he doesn't tell me either.

because it's quite a fact that,
out of habit, i tell him my plans.
obviously he doesn't, and why should he, when i'm not his girlfriend anymore?
but it gets me that i tell him without his asking,
and when he asks, i answer.
flipping it round, i find out about his rendezvous quite by chance.

must i, do i really have to admit?
that yes, i am jealous on occassions.
especially because these old friends are mostly girls.
not to mention that it is highly likely that the meetups are initiated by him.
yes, i feel this awful pang,
when i look at how well he's getting on.

after all,
he's got school most of the time to distract him.
friends who are with him at least four hours of the day and, as discovered,
friends to fill his time during other unfilled hours.

and as for me.
as for me,
so what if it's the june holidays?
everyone's off studying for O's.
just securing study dates are a nifty thing,
because everyone knows how parents don't believe you're studying when you're out.

so everyone's studying at home,
or if not,
they're with their girlfriends.

reading everyone else's blog,
it really doesn't seem as such.
what with reading of outings and movies that might, or might not have included me, depending.

and my life is expected to go on,
juggling the loves in my life, the first major breakup in my life,
and the inevitable O's.
it's not a school i'm in, my classes are made up of people one goes with for Friday night drinks.
the one day-class i'm in, i'm not close to anyone per se.

as cigarette after cigarette fall to the ground,
and pictures i see make my eyes glaze over with tears,
i know how i need to pick myself up.

yet, i know, at the same time, how i don't really want to just yet.
i don't feel ready to,
stupid as it sounds.

that last kiss, i'll cherish
until we meet again
like the way my fingers ran over your perfect body and how,
you used to love me.

enough, is enough

2007-05-21T11:14:00.000+08:00

I am appalled by the underhanded methods my old school has adopted in their perverse attempt to make themselves feel superior to their students, as well as to prove, more to themselves rather than the rest of the world who hardly gives two hoots, that they are righteous,
God-fearing creatures who are disgusted by the idea of anything remotely out of the ordinary.

I was cautioned and told that, all being fair, perhaps their actions are due to the fact that they do not understand. But what, may i ask you, could they possibly not understand? What is there to understand at all, in fact?
It is known, and has been caught on by the government and its media. A blog, like or unlike this very same one which you are reading, is an online journal.
Some, like myself, use it as a platform to air whatever grievances or personal opinions one might have about various happenings in our lives. Others use it as a report of their daily happenings. Whatever the case, should one be penalized and persecuted for the content of their own personal blogs?

It is the same as your mother looking through your private diary and telling you off for writing or using crude swear words.
It is the same as anyone looking through your penned down thoughts, meant for your eyes only, and using it against you.

True, a blog is slightly different from a private journal in that once those words or pictures are published, it is on worldwide web and become public property rather than your own.
Therefore, it is understandable if bloggers are fined or sued due to racist remarks or scathing comments on the government, should their words be completely baseless.

Those, are completely different from say, a girl posting a picture up of her outing with her friends.
And is that not where most of our pictures come from? Few of us, (with the exception of celebrity bloggers like Wendy Cheng, known as xiaxue) would have photographs taken of ourselves in our room, alone, with a messy study table as a backdrop and would post it up on our blog saying,
"This is what i did today!"
No, we would put up pictures with our friends or family, whatever the occasion happens to be.

Let's face it, shall we? As teenagers and even as adults, more so girls, ladies and women, we love to cam-whore. We are, just that little bit, narcissistic, just that little bit in love with ourselves, and we will have a million and one different poses for the camera.
some could be of us smiling, some could be of us pretending to think, some could be of us blowing kisses to the camera. And of course, some of those pictures, could be of us kissing our lovers or even our friends and family.

And so, if one happens to post up a picture of herself kissing her mother's cheek, would you pull her out of class, reprimand her and as i type this out, have her in fear of being suspended from school for a term?
I think not.
If one happens to post a picture of herself kissing her sister's cheek, would you do such a thing?
Highly improbable.
How about if one posts a picture of herself, in uniform, kissing her boyfriend's cheek when he is also in uniform?
By gosh! What on earth would the public think of that?
Absolutely nothing, i can tell you, quite honestly. The older generation might frown at it but everybody else, parents included, would think it terribly sweet that the couple share something so very innocent and special, like a kiss on the cheek. Rather than making out and practically having sex in that picture.

Now, how about if the girl is in uniform and she is kissing her friend's cheek. A friend who is female. What would your first thought be?
Because honestly speaking, that seems much more acceptable than a picture of a girl kissing her boyfriend's cheek.

Obviously, that has not been treated as such, which is my grouse with a school i used to love so terribly.
It is plain to see that they are taking such melodramatic actions towards the few girls who happen to have pictures kissing each other's cheek, simply because of their insecurity about the stigma attached to the school name.
But please, your school is not the only school with such a problem.

Being a single sex school, the public is fully aware that homosexual relationships are highly likely to develop. Whether or not it is accepted is completely different.
No one blames the school and few would blame the students.
For some, it is no more than a phase and a stage which they go through and eventually grow out of. For others, they know that their sexual preference is for those of the same sex.
Everyone knows this and none condemn it.

Why should you?

It is all too clear, that you are building cases on something you deem as a "problem" in your school. A glitch, an imperfection.
And you are taking deliberate steps to condemn the "culprits" of such "problematic cases".
Proving to yourself that, you are in control of the situation and hoping these drastic measures taken against behaviour which vaguely hints at homosexuality will scare your student body.
You want them to fear you. You seem to get such an incredible orgasmic high from penalizing these poor students, reducing them to tears and hacking mercilessly away at their precious self esteem.
You want the students' fear of having the same thing happening to them to prevent them from any homosexual inkling that they might have dared to lend their mind to for even the briefest second.
You hope, desperately, so very desperately, that your actions will thus, in this way, completely rid your school of homosexuals and you will have the perfect school. The perfect school which is single sex and yet, not infamous for homosexuality.

May i now ask you, with all due respect, how different are you from Hitler?
The man who had this great obsession to create a perfect race and made drastic actions to rid his country of Jews.
You're like Lord Farquad in Shrek 1, who decided that Fairytale creatures were poisoning his perfect little kingdom and proceeded to terminate all of them.

In your self-righteousness you are blind, blind to the fact that some of these students, before you picked them out for such a petty little case, have done nothing but worship the God you worship, clean up the mess you leave behind at school functions and undergo training to equip themselves with greater skill in order to serve you better than they already do.
You are blind to the fact that some of these students are taking their O levels this year and are sitting for their Chinese O level exam in a few weeks time.
What are you doing, fool?
What are doing to these students who have never consciously, maliciously or deliberately defamed your school and brought you dishonour?
These same students who consciously, with all their heart, soul, mind and every ounce of effort they are made up of, have instead, brought you such honour and such glory.
What are you doing to them?
what are you doing to them?

Do your actions make you feel better about yourself? Does it make you feel more pure and holy?

I myself struggle with my beliefs, mainly Christianity. Would you like to know why?
It is because of they hypocrisy i have had to live with and couldn't help but study.
It is because of you.
Everyday you pray, everyday you sing praises, everyday you ask that the Lord make you a better person.
And yet, everyday you pull out students who have hair which is too long, or have hair which is too short.
Everyday you shout at those students who refuse to sing the praises that you do.
Everyday you condemn the students who are different and who stand out.

You scold a student for lying, you shout at her, scream at her and throw demerit points at her.
But when the mother of the child bursts into your office demanding why you shouted at her child so loud that she could hear it on the other side of the door,
you turn around, smiling and say,
"Oh but i wasn't shouting at your child. i was merely asking her a question."

You interrogate us on our moral values, but where, may i ask,
are yours?

"Let he who has done no wrong, cast the first stone."

And oh! I'm sure you never had an inkling of romanticism for someone of the same gender which is why you're allowed to point the finger, isn't that right?
Do you know how many people in your school today are perfectly straight, but don't appear to be? And do you know, that when you pick them out and punish them for looking like they're not straight, their young minds start to think that
"maybe I'm like this because i was supposed to be a boy/girl"

Do you know, thanks to what you've done, another student would have entered your school straight but would have left, thinking they're not. And they will spend their lives wondering what doesn't fit and why everything seems the wrong way up.

"Tough love" did you say it was? That this was a fact of life? Like how one has to learn the hard way, like a mother reprimands her son for taking a lollipop he shouldn't have?
Do you know what i think is "tough love"?
Watching you, drown in your hypocrisy and lies, knowing how much i love you, as a school, and yet, i want to hate you so much. For everything you've done to me, and my friends.
Watching you point a finger at me for the possibility of being a homosexual and trying to make me feel bad about it when it is i, who feel sorry for you.
You sad, lone person who is so fearful of what he doesn't know.

Tough love, is a mother watching her son reach for the hot iron after she has warned him about it, watching him get burned and cry, feeling his pain. But she is still there, cleaning his wound and comforting him.

I, we, will live the rest of our lives making our own mistakes. Finding what we should and should not believe in. We'll make love with the wrong people, the opposite sex, or the same. But we will stand naked, without false pretenses unlike you.
We will watch you shrivel up like a prune when your actions come back to haunt you,
when your wife leaves you for another woman or when your husband leaves because you threw him out of bed for jacking off under the covers.

we might say "i told you so" or we might not,
you taught us to be gracious and so, unlike you, we will not rub your faces in the dirt, when the time comes.

The world will see that we have grown up stronger as a person, more confident of our sexuality,
more confident than you.
And as much as we'd hate to, we just might say that it is thanks to you, a school we once served in,
who, thanks to your condemnation and discrimination, made us believe only more firmly that the world is cruel, but we are who we are.
We will be thankful that we didn't grow up to be hypocrites, like you.

Maybe we'll find our God, maybe we'll believe in Him again.
Because oh, i do want to.
I will learn from your mistakes.
Gay or not, i will love myself.
Gay or not, i will love my children.

Do you know what you're afraid of?
No, you're not afraid of the public eye as you claim to be.
It is not that you fear public scrutiny or fear the image projected of your school.

What you are afraid of, is something slightly different from what you're used to.
The world is changing, homosexuality, more acceptable.
And you, my friend, are afraid of that.

More than that,
i think you are afraid of yourself.
That secretly, you are just like us.
a creature, needy for love, sex and even God at the same time.
But you refuse to admit that you're even remotely like us,
human.
i feel sorry for you, i really do.

What i feel pissed off about,
is you, all of you, getting your little spies who are in desperate need of power,
to find out about your student body and grass on them.
What happened to your united student body?
Sooner or later, this will come out.
it will fall open into the hands of everybody, and what will you have,
to say for your sorry, scheming selves?

This isn't like an old case, where a member of the public reported it to you.
The picture in question, is by far,
infinitely cleaner and in no way, tarnishes your name, or whatever reputation that you'd like to think you have.
Still,
you choose deliberately to punish the girls involved, keep them on their toes for right now,
and hanging on to a bare thread, in fear for their lives.

There will only be so much a student can take,
soon this will come full circle, back to you.

For now, we'll wipe away the tears our friends have shed, and we'll wipe our own.
we will regain our dignity and walk off knowing who we are,
and more importantly, what we are.
And it is you, whom we feel sorry for.

You might've thought you've won,
in your warped disillusioned little mind.
We'll give you your incredible orgasmic high and we,
we will be pissed off.

But being pissed off and stronger,
is better than being plain stupid.

Disclaimer:
whether this post is about a fictional or non-fictional event is up to you to decide.
But i assure you, that any resemblance or familiarity that any of these words bear, is purely coincidental

i'll be okay,

2007-05-18T17:40:00.000+08:00

it's so hard to get over this,

this whole mess

it's so hard to wrap my brain round it.

and it's so terribly hard to stop asking why.

whywhywhy.

why now, after two and a half years?

what made you give up?

and i'm sure my questions are annoying the hell out of you.

but i can't help it.

you can't tell me that we won't work out now

i've tried that on you before and you,

you just threw it back at me.

no,

i'm not ready, and i doubt i ever will be,

to just go out with you or be on the phone without once,

trying,trying again and asking.

for someone who is a terrible commitment phobe,

i got passed that,

guided or shoved, i got past it with you

and because of you.

as much as i feel the same way too,

i don't know.

maybe it's two and a half years of you convincing me how stupid and childish i was being

by insisting that it won't work out now.

two and a half years of you telling me that if we're not gonna work through this now,

we probably won't work out even if we tried again later on.

i thought i had managed to get to a point where i could think clearly.

where i could sit down and finally ask you,

what is it that you want.

do you want me to wait for you?

do you want me, the both of us to move on and see where we end up?

but i know i was wrong.

i havn't gotten to that point yet,

and i don't know if i ever will.

the end to my torment seems so far out of sight and helplessly,

i'm crawling around trying to find my way out of this tunnel you've left me in.

bit by bit, i've tried, best as i can to begin to let go of you.

i've slowly deleted your texts.

one of the two remaining says:

"i loved you for the past two years. i have.

so so much.

and i've promised i'll love you til the end of time.

through ups and downs i know i'll still love you because i'm yours forever.

Happy new year babe. wholely yours infinite ever."

do you know what i think?

i think i was a fool.

i've never been one to promise forever and ever,

i never thought it possible.

but you made me get around that.

and finally, i managed it.

i managed to believe in us enough to look you in the eye and say,

i'll be yours forever and i won't leave you.

when we passed our official 364th day, i decided that.

i had grown and changed and no more would i throw around carelessly

the "let's just forget it" line.

no more.

but.

so here we are, aren't we? again?

"not right now"

but the fact of the matter is,

soon i won't ask my questions and later won't come.

i'll grow and even though i think i can't right now,

i will.

and then it'll just be a point in my life which i'll look back on and tear,

but just a little.

you, me, us, him, we.

and everything's that's ever happened,

everything that we've ever gone through and experienced.

all the shit from both sides of our family.

it will all be memories and tears and dust,

bottled and boxed up and put up on a shelf.

your name will always be tattooed on my ankle,

your smell embedded in my skin,

and your kiss, always lingering on the edge of my lips.

your face, your smile an engraved portrait on my heart,

the tattered canvas.

i need a while to myself so,

i'm gonna stop blogging here.

and just,

pretty much keep to myself and lick my wounds.

i'll be okay.

i'll be okay

let go, too

2007-05-16T01:50:00.000+08:00

and i suppose you're getting used to it already
of course,
you're moving on, you're moving on
you don't have to call me up to tell me that what i'm thinking is
ever so wrong
cos it's not, is it?

after all,
i'm the one who still has a picture of us on my nightstand,
on my dresser and just about everwhere else in the room.
i'm the one who still falls asleep thinking about the last time i fell asleep in your arms,
gawd,
thinking it was the safest place in the world.
i'm the one who still blogs about you nonstop.
you know, don't you? we both do.(:
i'm the one who still has a special you-only catorgory in my msn list for you.
i'm the one who's still terribly in love.

why do you still tell me you miss me.
(she thinks it's so sweet)
why do i dare to wonder if you still love me
when i know i can't think that,
and more importantly, when i know
how unlikely it is for us to ever be together again.

it sounds beautiful enough.
but i know how things go.
and even if five, ten years on i still love you.
i'm not going to want to be with you.
because, swear to God,
i'll be too fucking scared.

letting go once has been hard enough,
twice has sent my life into turmoil.

i won't feel this way again,
i promise you.

so i have to let go,
too.

one day at a time girl,
one day at a time

peeves

2007-05-16T01:17:00.000+08:00

okayyy

SO
for once i'm not going on about him
it's just something i need to get off my chest

this person's really nice and all, and is quite a nice friend.
aneeewayyy,
this friend has been
zomg!dghwfhwoiefhihfhswghoghrgaef-ly
claustrophobic.

HELLO
i just got out of a relationship, and i mean,
the only person i don't have much of a problem telling my second-by-second actions is my ex.
and like.
gawd!

i mean,
this person's nice and all.
and a nice friend.
we're not tight
but suddenly i'm getting stuff like
"where are you now,"
"what're you doing"

ZOMG!
somebody help meeeeeeeeee!

i'm getting quite peeved with this, rather tiny matter
and i need like desperate help.
it's gawdfucking awful!

FUCK SIA!

okay, i just really needed to say that.
my ahlian side does show up once in a while.
or like, like every full moon!
like were-wolf style!
hahahahahahahaha

okay, shutup charis.
stop laughing at your own jokes about yourself

):

ANOTHER THING

now we all know how i don't really get pissed off that easily.
how i flash my bitch smile when asian friends/relatives declare how much weight i've lost/gained.
whatever
i have lost 7kg since march. YAY ME(:

i know i'm fat, and i don't really have a problem with people telling me that.
but
i do have a problem,
(this applies very much to Asians who have no social etiquette)
with people who tell me how much weight i've put on within the first 60 seconds of seeing me in like a whole year.

like WHATTHEFUCK.

ahlaooo!
i havn't seen you for a year and a half!
the least you can manage is a hello, right?

in these cases,
because i've grown so terirbly tired of them,
i would flash my bitch smile and go,
"really! i just lost 7kg!"

enough.

okay
i know this is incredibly small compared to vicky's recent case of a raving lunatic spamming her board and spazzing around.

BUT
some dumbass anon who watch the kids central show, tagged mommy's board saying
"lol. your daughter looks fat"

1)the camera adds ten pounds and no,
it's not just an excuse

2) well hello to you too dumbass. i'm not on tv for the next top model

fuck
it pissed me off
especially since i was just starting out a
letsgocrazyandstopeating diet.

it stopped midway between a
cryandthrowup feeling and a
getsopissedandthrowbitchfit feeling.

SO
being the darling that i was,
this is what i replied to anon:
to anon(if you ever come back here),
OMG!I KNOW I'M FAT but you really need to go
FUCK yourself so you'll feel better about yourself and
THUS, won't get such an incredible high from dissing people you see on tv!
ALL MY LOVE

UGH
cannot stand these people!

i think chris sounds like a dyke.
i hope my twinnie doesn't see this!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
and if you do twin,
I LOVE YOU

2007-05-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

one day at a time,
each step as it comes

i will do this, i will

picking up the pieces

2007-05-14T13:19:00.000+08:00

i will be stronger now,
for what else am i to do?

i will start to let go off the memories i hold so tight in my fist,
and so close to my heart.

do you know what you did to me?
i do,
but i will be stronger now.

i realized something,
since what happened, i've been drinking every single day.
especially the week which has just passed.
do you know how terribly scary that is for me?
because loving to drink is one thing,
but instead of cutting, it has become my crutch.

and so
i'll take this week or two to get off that.
because i probably only think that it makes me feel better when,
in actual fact,
i'm putting my growing liver through quite a bit of hell.

i've got a competition coming up so it's something to focus on.
even though, it's not like i'm lacking in things to focus on.
i've got mid years and i'll have to start on those too

i'll be leaving the country on the first.
(OMG! YES ALL BY MYSELF!)
haha.
and meeting my family wherever it is we're planning on going.

shame about the boyfriend thing,
i was terribly excited about introducing him to my aunt.

c 'est la vie, oui?

meanwhile,
i'm terribly grateful to the friends who have managed to be around for me.

so now it's my turn,
and i really do have a whole lot to do.
i thought i had bounced back, but it was pretty much just a false front.
but now, i'll begin to pick up the pieces of my life again.
it's my life, and i'll do exactly what i want with it.

this really did become a pivotal moment in my life.
first true love, first proper boyfriend.
and golly, we lasted more than those few months.
it was a beautiful two and a half years and a whole lot of memories which slowly,
one has to start letting go off.

it's taught me so much.
and i've realized how painful it is to give your heart away like that.
maybe we ended up going too fast and that was the problem.
one thing's for sure,
i'll take my own advice, fully recover and,
sadly, i'll admit,
be ever so careful about falling in love.

i never want to feel like this again, ever.
but with each new love,
comes more pain and less hope.
i tire of things too easily, unless of course, it's passion-driven.

i will be safe,
and keep myself from what might hurt me.
no,
this will not happen again.

it won't be long before,
everything will be better.

too alarming now to talk it out
take your picture down
and shake em out
truth or consequence,
say it aloud.
use that evidence,
race it around.

there goes my hero
watch him as he goes
there goes my hero
he's ordinary

so here's to getting my life back in order,
here's to making it out on my own.

i'm picking up the pieces,
i'm gonna be stronger now.

change

2007-05-13T15:53:00.000+08:00

2 years ago
1) How old were you?~ fourteen
2) Where did you go to school?~ Paya Lebar Methodist Girls' School Secondary
3) Where did you work?~ I didn't work
4) Where did you live?~ Pasir Ris
5) Where did you hang out?~ downtown east,park, beach
6) Did you wear glasses?~ on and off, but usually contacts
7) Who was your good friend(s)?~ bird, vick,alastair
8) How many piercings did you have?~ eight
9) What car did you drive?~ didn't drive
10) Had your heart broken?~ not exactly
11) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?~ dating

1 year ago
1) How old were you?~ fifteen
2) Where did you go to school?~ PLMGSS, still
3) Where did you work?~ i gave out flyers
4) Where did you live?~ pasir ris
5) Where did you hang out?~ gardens, pasir ris, tampines
6) Did you wear glasses?~ on and off, but still contacts msot of the time
7) Who were your good friends?~ bird, ann, vick, dory, alastair, twin, calista
8) Who was your crush?~ alastair(:
9) How many tattoos did you have?~ one, or rather a pair of pawprints
10) How many piercings did you have?~ nine
11) What car did you drive?~ didn't drive
12) Had your heart broken?~ not completely, but i went through my share of heartache
13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?~ taken and happy

Today
1) How old are you?~ sixteen
2) Where do you work?~ i don't work other than once in a while, filming
3) Where do you live?~ Lorong Ah Soo
4) Do you wear glasses?~ yepp(:
5) Who are your good friends?~ vick,bird,ann,dory,twin, alastair
6) Do you talk to your old friends?~ of course
7) How many piercings do you have?~ ten
8) How many tattoos?~ three, and a fourth soon!
9) What kind of car do you have?~ don't have one yet
10) Has your heart been broken?~ completely and utterly
11) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?:~ single

release, memories

2007-05-13T14:08:00.000+08:00

but i keep your memory,
you visit me in my sleep.

well, i was right after all.
what i thought would happen, did happen.
and just when i thought i didn't have any tears left.
you'll always prove me wrong my darling, always.

it's so hard to wrap my mind around it, everything.
i suppose it was hard for you too, when i gave out my own dose of shit.
still.

like i've told you, over and over again.
what i can't understand is why you would return me all my things
when you still tell me/told me that you loved me and that maybe we'll work out another time.

hanging out with tim and hearing him talk about his girlfriend,
gawd it's so bloody fucking sweet.
and i can almost imagine you doing that about a year ago too.

promising forever and ever, and ever.
"no babe, i'll never ever leave you"
because
"how do you expect me to live without you"

and,
if we can't work it out now, how would we later on.
pulling through this would make us stronger.

i would laugh, out loud in fact,
if it didn't ring so painfully in my ears.
and i'd just say to him,
"you can't let her emotionally blackmail you"

and he replies,
"she's my wife, i know we're meant to be.
she's got every right to emotionally blackmail me"

oh memory, sweet memory.

of course, perhaps we didn't think that we'd be tied just because we gave ourselves to each other.

it's too complex a subject,
so it's best not to overthink it.

two nights ago i looked at his ring.
how he wore it on his fourth finger and held it up for me.
"it's a commitment ring. people don't even need to ask."
how he was so happy with it even though he was frustrated with his girlfriend's lack of understanding.
and i thought of you,
how towards the end you hardly wore your ring.
how my mother kept on and on saying that's what my father did too.
i took out my ring, your ring.
the one you'd given me 18 months ago.
it was just like yesterday and i remember it so, so beautifully.
i slipped it on to my finger, so perfect.
just like it's always been, just like i've always felt when i put it onto my finger.

but of course, i had to pull it off my finger.
it doesn't belong there anymore, does it?
it's not even mine anymore.
our love forever is no more than,
pretty words engraved onto a pretty ring.
irreplaceable and ever so special.

i know i will have to let go,
so i will
three years from now, you can't expect me to be the fourteen year old you thought you fell i love with.
go on with your accusations, go on.
contradict every other thing you say.

what i did once, was a mistake.
but you're proud to say that you know what you're doing
and that this,
isn't a mistake.

so go ahead and live in your own confusion

maybe i'll wake up one day,
realizing i can't wake up anymore.
then there, i will find my own release

bouncing back

2007-05-11T09:33:00.000+08:00

it's been a while now,
and i'm stopping the addictive feeling of curling up and crying.

i can't anymore, you know.
it's like i ran out of tears.

but i'm trying to stop drowing myself in godknowshowmany glasses of drink a day, and i've even found myself strong enough to toss out my cigarette when i wasn't done.

it's not easy
but i can't be so terribly dependent on people to hear me cry.
especially with everyone's mid years and what nots.

i'm stronger now.
though it doesn't mean you're not the last person i think about before i go to sleep,
or the person i whisper goodnight to.

anyway,
i found myself quite unable to go back to sleep after i got up at 9am.
my brain's still quite tired and i feel like going jogging.

i seriously have been trying to change my disgusting sleeping habits.
since before i started private school, i was sleeping an average of about 12 hours a day.
yes,
you read those numbers correctly.

disgusting eh?
not to mention rather disturbing.
even for me

but recently it's been better,
though a slow progression.
this is the earliest i've woken up in ages.

more than that,
is that i stayed up til half past 1 in the morning tidying up my room.

yes, OMFG!
charis tidies up her room!
i admit, i'm horribly lazy so i tend to leave things around and they sort of accumulate.
kind of like my homework.
soon i have piles of godknowswhat lying around my room
and dozens of dustbunnies who were born just to join in the party on my floor and in the dark corners under my bed and stuff.
plus, because i have long hair, or used to, now it's half long hair,
i've got an uncontrolled hairfall amount.
so there's always hair all over the place.

BUT
last night i swept the floor.
and you know,
one thing led to another
(and my broom makes sweeping rather addictive,
it's not really a broom. more like those magic clean things?)

so one thing led to another and pretty soon i was moving stuff out of the way,
so i wouldn't be doing a slapdash job.
and of course,
when you move things out of the way, you don't shove them back into place messily.
so rearranging stuff near my bed, under the table made that part of my room look
bigger.
much bigger.
not to mention nicer-looking.
so i proceeded to do the same with the messier part of my room.

i've been planning this massive cleanup for months on end, really.
it's just that, at one shot, it's a huge mess to cleanup.
so what happens is that my room is always left to rot until i can't stand it anymore.

ANYWAY
my room is now gorgeously gorgeous!
and i am so so soooo happy.
lots of laundry to do now though, thank God it's not raining.

i do wonder what'll happen today,
because i have this feeling, that i shouldn't be too estatic about anything.
and that just as it could be a beautiful thing, it might just as well be a painfully horrible thing.
we'll see

bounce bounce, bounce bounce back

who knew?

2007-05-09T11:00:00.000+08:00

you took my hand, you showed me how
you promised me you'd be around

i took your words and i believed,
in everything you said to me.

if someone said three years from now,
you'd be long gone
i'd stand up and punch them out
cos they're all wrong

i know better.
cos you said forever, and ever

who knew?

when someone said count your blessings now,
before they're long gone
i guess i just didn't know how
i was all wrong.

they knew better.
still, you said forever, and ever.
who knew?

if someone said three years from now,
you'd be long gone
i'd stand up and punch them all out
cos they're all wrong.

That last kiss, i'll cherish
until we meet again.
and time makes it harder,
i wish i could remember
but i keep your memory
you visit me in my sleep

oh my darling,
who knew?

my darling, who knew?

ordinary

2007-05-09T10:04:00.000+08:00

well really,
thank you so much for bothering to reply my texts

i've just about given up already.
who knew, eh?

no one thought you'd be the one who'd leave,
and everyone, or maybe it was just my imagination,
figured that i'd be the stronger one.

it's strange coming to terms with the fact that,
that is not so.
i'm the one crumpling up on the bed,
kissing your picture goodnight,
and trying to push away images of the last time you held me in that same bed which i now have to sleep on.
Meanwhile, you've started up with your new life,
you've moved on, it's so easy to see.
i suppose the first couple of days where i could be strong was when you were crumbling.
now the roles are swapped,
but as much as i don't want to.
i'll be holding on longer.

in a month, i'll probably have to watch your heart soar as you make new promises of infinite ever.
after all, it didn't take for you to move on the last time.
and i really don't mean that in a bitchy way.

i should really get a life.
crying myself to sleep at night, waking up and crying.
pouring myself a drink, lighting a cigarette and crying.
it's hard to stop it because i kinda held it in for quite a while.
i pretended to be strong i think.

This just had to happen, didn't it?
and perfect timing too.
a month before my big competition and Mid years,
as well as during my friends' mid years so i find myself quite alone.
not to mention that it's O level year for me.
well and truly, what better timing.

i need to get myself together,
put back the pieces of my life.
it's my turn to have to let go off you and move on,
just like you've managed to do.

who knows what will happen?
because i thought i did, without a doubt.
but the world has a way of proving us wrong again and again.

maybe it was the tattoo that jinxed us!
haha

my first joke in ages,but i'm getting there.
i will cope because i have to.
and everyone knows i don't do things just because i have to.

but you seem fine, brilliant in fact.
so i should be too.

so much so for infinite evers,
& forever and evers.

there goes my hero,
watch him as he goes

So much so for promising never to leave,
not like my dad.

there goes my hero,
he's ordinary

the second man who left,
you're ordinary too.
just in a special way.

save me, please

2007-05-08T14:41:00.000+08:00

and so,
i'll relight my cigarettes
and finish off that bottle of wine.
yes my dear,
the one that we were supposed to share on our anniversary.

i'll play those cds we used to listen to together,
and relive the memories that come with it.
i'll watch and rewatch that very first movie we watched together,
the one where i leaned over and kissed you first.

i'll read through those texts,
bury them inside me and then delete them.
so that it won't ring with such,
a painful reminder.

Pull the covers up and fix the old heater.
you're not around to keep me warm anymore,
but who's fault is that?

i'll keep hoping,
hoping and praying that this
will turn out to be,
no more than a nightmare.

and maybe,
just maybe.
the one waking me up to kiss away my tears,
will be you.

it's over now, isn't it?
there isn't a last say.

yes, i will dissolve,
and become the remnants of the sorry little mess i am.

simply because i don't have many alternative ways to cope.
what works once, will always work again.
and again
and again.

you used to be the one i'd run to
but,
i never figured out what would happen when,
you're the one i have to let go of.

have i really changed,
so much that you can never love me again?
i've asked countless people, you know.

i know i have changed,
just like we all do.
i guess when you changed, i fell deeper in love with you.
loving you all over again,
without even having to try.
whereas,
for you.

you can't find it in yourself to love me anymore.
maybe i've become too different for you.

but i will say,
thank you.
for being the man i knew you were,
when we first became friends.
even better, actually.

i'm sorry,
that after everything you said we'd pull through.
"Nothing can stand in our way"
has just become a phrase which i'll keep safe,
within the secrets of my heart.

that first night,
when i gave myself to you,
i knew with all my heart,
that i'd never regret it.
because you were and you are
someone i truly loved, and always will love.
with all my heart.

what happens now?

after you've found your other half,
your perfect other half and you realize you have to let that person go.
No,
just because they're your perfect half doesn't mean it doesn't take work.
i see that now.

but what happens?
do you move on, and settle for less?

or do you hang on,
and watch your other half find another half that will very probably better than you?
what happens?
where do you go?

how in the world do you pick yourself up.
how do you drop something you've held so close for so long?

please, please. come save me soon

loving someone

2007-05-07T12:45:00.000+08:00

i don't know where we are right now,

and i'm not sure i wanna know where we're going.

i really don't get it, i really really don't.

you asked for this but yet you're telling me this kills you

and when it's a tad bit more obvious who's the one moving on,

you're asking me if i've moved on.

i've already told you before

that i can't get over you.

i could end up married to someone else with kids

but you'll still be terribly special to me

loving someone is hard,

but it's not meant to be this hard

or this painful.

maybe that's why we're in this situation now.

it scares me,

how within two and half years,

we've hit peaks and grazed the lowest points of our relationships.

yet we end up here,

too in love and wondering where we're gonna go from here.

i'm not dead, just floating

the rhythm of my <3

2007-05-06T00:47:00.000+08:00

when it was you who said goodbye,
how could you not realize?

i thought we'd be okay from hereon,
i mean,
at least we heard each other out right?

but i never saw where this'd be going.
i never saw myself in the hole i feel like i'm in

nobody knows
nobody know the rhythm of my heart.
the way my body feels when it's lying in the dark

but all i could think of was how somebody did know.
just one,
special person who did know the rhythm of my heart,
and the way my body felt in the dark.
so how can it be that i feel i need to let go of this person now?

don't degrade us to just the usual teenage lover's tiff
because now it's painful,
and terribly tough

and i don't know what to do

but i do know i love you,
and i just want you to be happy

the final straw

2007-05-05T02:06:00.000+08:00

perhaps it's all i can take

hitting that familiar cold place were my voice echoes off the walls,

and comes back to me like a tease.

restless,

math class was a stretch, a bore

not because i was doing questions like snapsnap

but because i needed to know what was going on

both in math class as well as out of math class

my mind couldn't keep still and yet

was so fucking dizzy from thinking so much over the past week

it's been too long a week for me, not that i didn't get a lot of things done.

i had a haircut, in case anyone wanted to know.

and i dyed it again, a slightly more obvious red.

i love the new look, so why am i so discontented?

oh we know the answer alright.

of course we do,

it's always the same isn't it?

straight relationships, gay relationships, relationships that are officially unofficial.

whatever the case

i've held it in, set myself a date to think over this whole thing.

"do you think i still love you after this week?"

i'm rethinking my answer for that too, now.

of course you do, but you don't have time and you don't want to make the time right now.

i'm pissed off enough, and i'll tell you one thing for sure,

when i'm pissed off, i'm bloodyfucking honest.

without warning, we were thrown into the week

devoured whole and kept apart

but at the given chance, at the opportune time, you chose not to make that extra effort.

busybusybusy

oh of course you are, now aren't we all?

so you don't text unless you decide that you remember you miss me,

or most of the time, it's just to ensure i'm not busy with somebody other than you.

isn't that right? isn't it?

other than that, i'm left with my silent phone.

but if i walk off for a minute and happen to miss your call by a couple of seconds,

i have a torrent of questions. all suspicious, all demanding.

too bad baby, you've gotten me started.

and i've barely begun.

you see a picture i put up and you express your distaste for it.

i ask why, and say it's nice because you took it.

i've already proceeded to remove the picture, the doormat i have slowly become.

picture's changed,

but you blow up.

"go do what you want" whatever whatever whatever

and you proceed to tell me you're storming off in a huff.

that was the final straw.

after everything that i've been holding in, for more than this entire week,

you blow up over a picture?

and not just blow up.

but like blow up big time.

i'm your problem, you say?

i have kept mum about the lack of importance i clearly am to you.

cried alone because i cannot find the words to tell myself.

i've tried talking to you, i've tried telling you so much

so many times

but you didn't listen

you turn it round and instead of saying,

well what do you want to do, what can i do? what can you do?

you say

well why're you still with me then?

i have shut up because i believed i had long lost the right to get hurt

when every other day, there is something you say that cuts so fucking deep.

"i think you're someone who wants people to want her"

"other people have been acting since 5 or 12. seriously, how big do you think you're gonna get"

"nightmares.oh the usual"

and the latest,

"nothing you tell me can stop me from feeling like that(worried and suspicious)

because i feel like that 24/7"

well i don't really know why you bother asking then, and why i bother to reply with either truths or lies.

done so much this week, knowing how you'd feel if i did otherwise.

if my expectations were ever too high, well there havn't been any expectations whatsoever these days.

how do i still get let down

the tears get me in every other class, on the train and every single night before i go to sleep.

and you can blow up over a picture?

thinking that i implied i didn't want to remove it?

my question now is,

what if i didn't want to remove it then? so what?

does that warrant you completely blowing up?

the fact is, it wasn't the case.

i completely saw where you were coming from and removed the picture

but you still had a problem.

this week's been a bitch.

okay, we all know that.

but more than all this and all that, i've been putting up with a lot of things and runing things over in my mind.

what do i keep journalling about everday?

"you and me" i answer,

now you know what, exactly.

not that you wouldn't have found out eventually anyway.

because you'd help yourself to my treasured pages even though i would've have read them to you,

even if you didn't ask.

that's yet another thing that hurts too.

of course along with how you don't believe every other word i say.

can i tell you that knowing that hurts me?

i don't know what to do now, i don't have any words left.

i've held in the tears for so long but i'm not quite ready for tomorrow's swollen eyes.

and how will i face you now?

i really don't know.

but you set me off, and now it's come to this.

it was the final straw, that broke the camel's back.

so small a thing, so tiny.

you even asked me why i do things to push you away.

well,

why do you do things that push me away

you'll read this and sigh and get all depressive and introspective.

you'll say how this is all your fault all over again, how you're the bad guy or at least how i make it seem like you are.

you're not. but you won't listen.

you'll talk about throwing yourself out a window and how it'll benefit the rest of the world.

i'm taking none of it, because it's not true.

nobody's fucking perfect, i never asked you to to be perfect

because you were fucking perfect enough for me.

and then this.

i've held it in longer than i can bear because perhaps i'll never get over what i did to you and i think i don't have a right to tell you how i still do get hurt these days.

but i'm here and i'm telling you now.

you blew up over something ridiculously small and silly which has,

unfortunately,

set me off.

i do rant, maybe this has gone in circles but it's been playing non stop in my dizzy tired brain.

do i know if you love me, now?

honestly?

i'm not very sure anymore.

i do know that i do still love you though,

but loving a person doesn't necessarily mean you can have that person.

getting facts straight

2007-05-04T11:35:00.000+08:00

i'm starting up my storytelling agaaaaain!
that's a good thing, yo.haha

now it's gonna be at Sengkang library and next week,
i'm actually holding a storytelling session in Rivervale Primary
(:(:(:(:(:

anyway!

here's getting some things straight.
i've heard from an old friend that apparently word has gone round that i was kicked out of plmgss.

nownow,
please know that i would probably say so if i really was.
as is,
NO, i wasn't kicked out of PL.
I was suspended, the period set to be a full term.
BUT
i chose to leave the school, as much as i really do love it, even up til now.

upon my withdrawel from the school,
in which the letter my mother wrote told about how Mr. Tang expressed that the school actually didn't want me in anymore,
Mrs Lee then replied saying that it was a huge misunderstanding and that no such thing was expressed and
"of course, we didn't want charis out of the school"

whatever, because what's been done is done and i am
supercalifragilisticexpealidociously HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY
at the new school i'm in.

i love PL, and i've got a fuck load of memories which i gurantee you,
will always always always be there.

i know i probably let a whole bunch of people down, and i really am sorry.
when you're a student and the teachers juggle marking a million papers as well as
dealing with kids who seem to spell trouble,
both student and teacher clash in every single way.
but when you're out of the situation,
(and you should know that you only realize this after you're completely out of the situation)
those teachers who used to pick on you(picking on is undeniable by the way)
the same ones that you used to practice voodoo on(just kidding)
are the ones who smile at those memories with you, crazy as they were.

what you go through in Secondary school makes you who you are today.
PL made me who i am today.
you can take a girl out of PL, but you'll never take PL out of a girl.

so gawddamn cheesy, i know.
but it's true.
my best times and my worse times happened when i was in PL.
i might be all of sixteen years old right now, but it's true.
i've spent close to ten years in that school
(that school,oh just opposite me right now)
haha

i've only been in Singapore for about twelve, thirteen years.
PL, both primary and secondary, saw me through a lot of stuff.
threw me completely and utterly into acting which i realized i was passionate for.
i won't hesitate to admit it, even when i'm older and hopefully doing what i love most,
and that is if it wasn't for PL and casting me in the PL Musical, i wouldn't have realized just how much i love acting.
particularly stage rather than on film.
if they didn't believe in me, just during those months while i rehearsed with everyone,
i might not have believed in myself.

PL's played a huge role in my love for acting and singing and has really helped me endlessly.
and i'll admit, fullstop!
it was after the musical that i realized that i love acting as much as singing and that it was something i wanted to do for the rest of my life.
if not for the musical,
i wouldn't have gone on to do stage performances with ACSI, SYF and all that.

being in PL also forced me to realize that if you want something, you have to go do it yourself.
you have to go get it.
you can't ride on the backs of your contacts and networks forever
that's when the audtions come in.

i owe a lot to PL.
i won't deny i was put through hell though.
i hated the hypocrisy there, the strong Christian values taught when teachers could lie through their teeth and lie about lying.
now, a teacher reading this might think i'm defaming PL.
but it's true, and yes many would agree with me.
but human beings are just human beings after all,
and yes, teachers are human beings too.
lying is inevitable in some cases.
the only thing i couldn't stand is how they'd condemn you for lying,
yet turn around and do the same damn thing.

there's a hell lot of ups and downs with PL.
and i still love em.

SO
get your facts straight.

1) i wasn't kicked out, i left
2) i still love PL, even if the feeling isn't mutual

i love you, i do

2007-04-30T14:14:00.000+08:00

snap, frozen in bliss

a perfect moment, captured

now blurry, now distant

no more than a dusty memory to pull off the shelf

and

smile at

maybe in the end we won't be together,

maybe in the end it won't work,

not because we don't want it to but because it just can't.

but i'll watch you walk away without a single regret other than those times i made you cry

or when i cried because it wasted the times we could otherwise have spent holding each other.

i'll smile as you turn around and catch my last flying kiss

because,

at the end of the day,

at least we tried. we gave it a shot

and i know for certain that a part of me will always be with you,

and a part of you will definitely always be with me.

it's hard to say as of right now.

i love you so much, i want to spend the rest of my life with you,

crazy as it sounds.

mad, delirious it might seem because we're only so young.

teenagers and too crazy,

too in love that we're just so dizzy.

and it seems impossible, impossible,

that at 16 i could feel that i've found my perfect other half.

it scares mommy, fuck it scares me too.

how will you ever know?

i used to ask myself that since i had to push my father back from the entrance of the flat.

i guess you just do know, in the end.

of course, being a mother of your crazed and very in love daughter,

you'd tell her to take it slow and see the world.

so yes, i know where she's coming from completely.

as i've grown i've somehow managed(finally!) to understand her.

she admits willingly though, that he's the only proper boyfriend that she'd ever ever ever accept.

anyway,

it really scares me sometimes.

like this, like

ohidon'tknow.fuckit.thisisbecomingfuckingshitty.

it's the whole.

i tried to tell you, you know.

what's been happening, what i've been feeling.

but you don't listen.

you're not listening, you're not listening anymore.

instead it becomes a whole

"why're you still with me then" kinda thing.

and i hate myself more.

and i keep feeling like i don't have a right to feel like this.

that's why i can't cry and i can't get upset like this.

gawd it hurts

it really really does, and i can't say it out.

not even to myself.

and maybe you'll read this,

maybe you'll just use it against me again

and then you'll tell me how this, how all this shows that i'm not happy with you.

you might tell me not to love you anymore.

but how can't i?

when i feel like a whole part of me is already yours,

with you.

how can i just drop it and go, i can't love you anymore?

because it's not true.

it's not fucking true.

as much as these incidences and situations are fucking

utter turmoil,

i love you.

and i do want to be with you.

i want to tell you, because other wise i'm just doing what your last girlfriend did.

bottling everything up and then finally i know it'll just all burst and then,

collapse.

and we'll just be ruined and i'd never want that.

You’ve got a charm

You simply dissolve me every time

As long as you try

I’m along for the ride

All the way

I said it before

There wont be a door that’s closed to us

Putting all my trust in you

Cause you, you’ll always be true,

I Never planned, no

This would be,

you and you alone

Now for me

I know you’re the best You’ve past every test

Its almost too good to be true

You’re the perfect man for me

I love you I do

suddenly you're mine,

and it's brighter than sunshine

what a feeling

forever

2007-04-28T18:09:00.000+08:00

Overheard in New York

Teacher: Tyler*, your mom is here.
Tyler: Yay! ... Wait, which one?

omg, this is so fucking sad!
sighsighsiiiigh

a celebrity marriage which lasted 16 years before it ended in divorce was labelled a
"Freak of Hollywood"

that's sad
):

c'mon baby we're gonna live forever,
lemme show you all the things that we could do
i know you wanna be together
and i wanna spend the night with you

keeping mum

2007-04-25T15:01:00.000+08:00

so much so for bringing out my opinions on a platform.

For the record,
i've removed both blog posts
no really, i can't be bothered anymore

i'm sorry i got her riled up,
and jumped the gun with regards to the second girl as well.

coincidentally,
i was asked on hi! tech whether any of my blog posts have created such problems.

i suppose in this sense,
there is quite a problem with blogging, and oh
one does have to think through the pre-typed out words a million times over.
but really,
who does?

diddums

SO
i've been reading book after book after book.
you know how crazy i am about reading.
the problem, huge-ass problem it is, these days, is that i'd read something so beautiful
but i can't remember it afterwards.
urgh.

so much for expanding vocabulary eh?

oh wells.

hi! tech's coming out this saturday at 1.30pm! (:

you to want me

2007-04-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

the week's been fine,
thank you for asking.

the usual ups and downs
which inevitably, make me ask myself why.

pierced ernie's tongue today,
was late for church and then,
didn't feel well with that damned aching right arm.
so moped around outside, enveloped by the freezing night breeze
(never thought i'd say that in singapore)
and then,
moped around inside for a bit too.

not everyone, just you.
i want you to want me

ninetyyyy nine

2007-04-22T00:26:00.000+08:00

001. real name : Charis Vera Ng Mei Yi
002. nickname: jie, bunny
003. single or taken : taken
004. zodiac sign : Pisces
005. male or female : female.
006. elementary : PL(primary)
007. high : PL(secondary), BMC
008. college : i'm thinking UCLA or theatre practice
009. eye color : brown
010. hair color : dark brown,highlighted
011. long or short hair :shoulder length
012. shoe size : 8/9013. asthma? : nope
014. are you health freak : nuh uh
015. height : 159cm
016. do you have a crush on someone: VERY MUCH
017. do you like yourself: uh huh!:D
018. piercings : ten in total
019. tattoos : three(:
020. righty or lefty: rightyyy

FIRSTS:
022. first surgery : never had any
023. first piercing : 8 years old
024. first best friend : i think it was Amanda
025. first movie : noo idea
026. First cca you joined : netball
027. first pet : two cats, before iwas born
028. first vacation : went to france ithink
029. first concert : cant remember
030. first crush : Arroi Ng, who was ayear older than me

CURRENTLY :

049. eating : nothing
050. drinking : nothing
052. i'm about : to finish this andput it on my blog
053. listening to : the bloody noisy tv
055. waiting for : bunny to caaall?
057. wearing : a denim dress

YOUR FUTURE :

058. want kids? : FIVE!
Zachary Adam, Yeola Belle, XanderChris, Maxine Danielle and
Jemimah Elizabeth
059. want to get married? : definitely
060. careers in mind? :Theatre; Musicals, cut a couple of albums and be a great mom

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? :

068. lips or eyes? : eyes
069. hugs or kisses : hugs
070. shorter or taller : taaller
072. romantic or spontaneous: a bit of both
073. stomach or arms : well porportioned!
074. sensitive or loud: sensitive
075. hook-up or relationship:relationship

HAVE YOU EVER :

078. kissed a stranger : uh huh
080. lost glasses/contacts: contacts i think
081. ran away from home : once
082. broken any bones : nope
084. broken someone's heart : uh huh
085. been arrested : noo
086. turned someone down : Yea
087. cried when someone died : yea.funny, i wasn't close to em
088. liked a friend : uh huh

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

089. yourself: kind of
090. miracles : yeap
091. love at first sight : depends
092. heaven : yes
093. santa claus : YES!(you do know he's real right?)
094. fairies : no
095. kissing on the first date : NO
096. angels : mmhmm

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

097. Is there one or more people you want to be with right now? : very much so
098. Is Superman really better than Batman? : no, george cloony is incomparable by a mile
099. Have you had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at the sametime? : no

2007-04-17T23:07:00.001+08:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

a way to make me laugh

2007-04-17T22:52:00.000+08:00

i hate emo posts.

so this is not being emo, and trying to undo all the emo stuff

you could always disregard what i've written

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

HAHAHAHA

oh,
now it's:
"we're catching up"

but it's okay,
just need to get my laughing pills out of the closet
and find a way to dry the tears that seem to be coming out of nowhere

a random

2007-04-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

and then without quite meaning to,
he looked away
she couldn't, for the life of her understand why.
why was this happening to her?
why her? of all people.
he kissed her cheek,
slipped her the rose he had bought,
which, ironically, was meant for their third year anniversary.

and then,
he walked away
didn't even look back.

he left her standing there,
the rose in hand.
her finger upon the only thorn that was on the rose stem.

and then,
she was gone.

mothers in porn = OMFG

2007-04-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

too hot too hot too hot

so yes, if you're about to ask, so far it has been sort of a day wasted.

well, until tonight anyway.

English is coming along great. i really need to change my very monotonous sentence structures.

most of my sentences start with a subject or a verb.

i'll highlight that, and change that to make my essays more interesting.

Dawn's a good english teacher. government schools need teachers like her.

so there's this mom who's blog i chanced upon.

she's got three ex husbands, one ex wife, two kids, two cats, two fish, a dog and a boyfriend.

This boyfriend was married with a five year old.

no, i won't say anything.

so this is me, not saying anything.

coming from a family where daddy doesn't live in the same house

(no you dopes! just because divorce is common doesn't mean it's fucking okayy!)

i mean, okay, so she's got a good relationship with her kids' father,

but please!

so what if you know his wife can never have sex with him and give him pleasure the way you do?

so what if we all(even i, as a reader) hate her, the superwoman because she really is such a horrid selfish brat?

so what?

the point is, do we really need any more broken families?

and you're freaking having sex with this guy, two minutes after you've tucked your children in

as well as right after cell group.

no,

i am not holy moley. i do wrong things too.

i'm as human as the rest of the world.

we cheat, get addicted to sex(or something like that)

and hurt the people we love the most.

i've hurt mommy, i've hurt alastair, i've hurt my baby sister!

but one thing i don't do,

is go to cell group, talk about going to church, play a good mommy and call myself a cockwhore.

i don't know how mothers could do that really.

i mean,

i'd just DIE if i saw my mother's naked pictures all over a blog she would probably keep secret from me.

yes, cumshots and all.

on top of that, being so in love with God as my mother is,

i don't think she'd really call herself a cockwhore, flash her boobs and cunt for the world and sleep around.

oh yes, AND tell the world about it.

okay, after this particularly self-righteous, bitchy post,

i do think it's awfully hard to be a mom.

it really is.

can you imagine it?

"hey! wanna have sex with a random hot guy?"

"i can't, G has a ballet recital and tomorrow morning's D's ball game.

i also have work i brought home, not to mention the cat litter which often forgets to clear its contents and walk itself to the rubbish bin"

*usually, instead of this whole long chunk, it would be:

"i can't. i'm a mom"

men, on the other hand,

have it easy(except from their wives of course)

Before kids, they go out anytime they like,

after kids, they go out anytime they like.

if they don't go out, they're just slobbing around in front of the tv anyway.

i'm just saying in general you know?

i know my dad doesn't do that, he's too caught up in his work.

and alastair doesn't do that either, he slobs around if front of the computer,

and i have a gut feeling he'll be doing that if we end up married, with five screaming kids

you know i love you alastair!

but anyway, do you get the point?

even though we'd think it gross if we saw our dad's naked body splattered all over the web,

we'd think it's just that, gross and nothing more.

on top of that, unless we've actually seen that part of our dad's bodies we wouldn't even KNOW it's our dads.

WHICH IS PRECISELY MY POINT!

we wouldn't even be able to tell if the naked body in the photo couple with the erotic blogging is or is not that of our fathers.

and even if we did find out it was our dad,

we'd just think it gross and probably stop walking around wrapped in a towel.

BUT

if it's our mothers we saw

we'd recognize them immediately cos usually the woman's face is in full view.

and then,

we'd think that they were such a complete disgrace.

oh the betrayal!

on top of the

EW EW EW screaming in our heads.

even if our moms were like hot(like stacy's mom)

it'd still be gross.

so yes,

even though i spent the first quarter of my post

dissing the woman like alot

(mainly because she goes to church. and has cell group and ass whipping within hours of each other)

my posting made me realize the hugeass burden a mother carries.

it's more than just, my daughter seeing scarrs i have from cutting myself.

mothers are human after all.

and this woman's still in her "i'm gonna die if i don't fuck something quick" stage.

but she is just thirty.

can you imagine, not only being a mother of two, at thirty, but also having three ex husbands and an ex wife?

yes, mothers do have a lot of weight on their shoulders.

it's still upsetting though.

some mothers embrace that responsibility

some shun it like the plague.

i, for one, would embrace the beauty that comes with this responsibility,

that being my children.

whatever it is, if you're a mom, one can tell.

so just like being a girlfriend means one can't kiss random guys unless with permission,

being a mother means even if you're a nymphomaniac, you don't gloat to the whole world about how you just love doggystyle or whatever.

i need to shutup and bathe before filming starts.

just another day

2007-04-15T22:26:00.000+08:00

just another day,
just another pack of cards

i got a call today,
apparently something went wrong with the filming the other week and everything's out of focus.
in other words,
we have to reshoot everything
):
SO, they'll be coming over again this week and stuff.
hope it'll be okay because at about seven, the roads are really noisy.

ANEEEEWAYYYYY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING BIRDIKINS!
YOU'RE SWEEEEET SIXTEEEEEEEEEEEN NOW,
STOP BEING SO HOT AND KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU(:

i hope she liked the surprise vicky and i gave her last night
even though she woke up in the middle of it and sounded like she was dying of lung cancer
poor baby.

mommy lost her phone, left it in a cab.
by the time she called it, it was off.
i hate losing phones. like what the fuck):
so tomorrow she'll get her sim card replaced and hopefully, if i accompany her,
i'll get my keypads replaced too

janice has requested that i blog about her
so here,
i am blogging about her.

MOVING ON
i almost got a shitzu today;
babyyy shitzuuuu
BUT
i think that damn thing about the pet shop was a hoax.

"Can help? pet shop in joo chiat closing down tomorrow.
2 huskies, 1 labrador, 1 shitzu and 1 husky-terrier crossbreed to give away,
or they'll be put down
contact mariam at 97302064.
please forward, thanks."
was how this particular text message went.

i'm sure quite a few of us received this very same text message today.
though by the time the third text came in,
the shop was said to close down today.
information does get warped as it passes along.

i talked about it with vicky, my mom and janice.
and even though in the end vicky was against it,
we were still quite prepared for an addition to the family.
however, the owner, or "mariam" was unavailable upon my calling.
we searched the net and called up petshops in joochiat.
one of them said she'd heard the news and the shop was called DogCom.
When we called that shop, some bloke who couldn't even pronounce his own shop name,
(he called it logcom)
said it wasn't his shop in question and no, they didnt have a mariam working for them.

maybe, just maybe i'm jumping to conclusions and the forwarded text is, in fact,
very real and the lives of these dogs are at stake.
but we did try our very best, calling texting and stuff.

if it really was a hoax, which i have this sinking feeling that it is,
i mean.
i just wonder why people would do these kinda things.
why? does it make you feel good?
oh isn't it hilarious, having a third of singapore suddenly worried and stressed out about the lives of puppies that don't exist?
and all at the doing of your own hands?

i shan't say more because,
well what if it is real, you know?
i do hope it's not and that there aren't puppies which are gonna lose their lives.

clearly & rationally

2007-04-13T23:27:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thank God i'm tall enough to reach the liquor cabinet,

and know how to pour myself a glass of baileys' and make myself laugh like this.

God knows what'd happen to me otherwise

simply put,

i realized if we determine say, a period of about a week where we should be completely uncontactable to one another,

i just might be able to handle it better than you.

on the other hand,

having this, (besides the rollercoaster-like, completely different compared to my group of friends,)other wise normal kind of relationship,

i end up needing you more and being fantastically clingier than i could ever have imagined myself.

it's hard thinking rationally and it's taken me time before i managed to come to this.

and i realized, that there's actually nothing we can do about it.

any of it at all.

'nother point.

it's superbly clear how moody you get whenever i go out for drinks with my friends or have a all girls drinking night.

you, and i'll admit, i, we'd both never admit to actually having a problem with each other drinking, now would we?

i'll lay my cards on the table;

Honestly speaking, i don't have a problem with you drinking.

of the two of us, it had always been clear who seemed to have a better head on their shoulders.

But then, quite recently, you're "going out for drinks" more often

every other week, to say the least.

okay, so it's only happened a couple of times in recent.

see, i know how crazily worried you get.

and you'd always keep texting me nonstop on my night out with the girls or if i have my girlfriends over. and if i don't reply fast enough, another text message comes in with a

"i guess you're busy"/"well have fun then" kind of thing

you've beeen getting so terribly intolerant of me lately,

implying how i emotionally blackmail you. but you do just the same thing.

whenever i can, and i always always ask, check, double check,

to see if on my night's out you can be there too.

even if it's just among my friends.

It does get horribly tricky and a tad bit unfair when my friends subtly hint that it's a girls night out after all, and you're a guy. then they try to make me feel better by saying, one feels more restricted with their other half around.

of course, that wouldn't apply to their girlfriends.

Nonetheless, i do try.

simply because i love your company and if it's going to be a sitting around chatting and drinking night, i don't see why you shouldn't be there.

But it's completely different on your side.

Sometime it's an all guys thing, sometimes your female friends are there too.

either ways, one thing's for absolute certain:

i'm not.

and putting aside where facts don't change whether or not it's an all guys night out or inclusive of your girl friends,

you just don't text me at all.

you stop replying after a while, telling me that you couldn't feel the vibration or your phone ran out of battery or something.

and i'm not like you.

so i wouldn't keep texting and texting and texting like crazy when you're obviously out and busy.

but i'll admit, when im on my night's out and you're not there, i try as best as i can to keep replying you. cos i do miss you and i dont want you to worry about me.

You texting me when i'm out late isn't a bad thing,

but me texting you when you're out late is though

Is it the whole girl guy thing going again?

in an effort so you don't worry so much about me, i find myself giving setting a curfew for myself.

telling it to you and promising to meet it.

five, ten minutes past that is unacceptable and you make that obvious all the time.

on top of already being moody because i've been out late.

you text sighs in your messages and sigh if we're on the phone

you tell me i'm busy and should go have fun.

however, if i'm home early or by the stated time,

you don't seem any more excited.

"oh, okay. that's nice. why didn't you stay longer? interesting"

is all i get.

and on nights like these when you're out and away and i don't want to text you and disturb you.

i'm just left looking at the clock and wondering what time you'll be home,

worrying but not wanting to tell you because you scoff.

yes darling, you do scoff, and you tell me you're a guy.

nothing happens to guys.

well a friend of mine has a friend who just got raped.

and he was a guy too.

now i know my mind has a tendency of running wild and weird imaginative film content flies through my head,

but it doesn't make me worry any less.

those old cliches do mean something;

'i worry because i love you'

anyways, dawn's hoooome!

engreeech lesson soon!

haha.

cool eh? i have my english lessons at 1.15am, after a glass of bailey's.

haha.

orhkay dorhkay.

little bunny is back in his rabbit hole;

in other words you can more or less disregard this post.

or not because i'm quite proud of my honesty actually.

and how i was able to type all of this out, clearly and rationally.

i need to get a fucking life

2007-04-13T13:18:00.000+08:00

we're back at that again
again
again
again

why do you do that?
why do i do what i do?
say something which
in the end
won't happen
my hope dashed again and
again

but how?
i stopped,
i shouldn't have had expectations.
wasn't that the problem?
it wasn't supposed to be like this
it wasn't supposed to be painful anymore
so why is it?
why do i still wait, hopefully
like a dog at the door
and why do i still cry?
why is it still so painful?

you ask me what's wrong
and i tell you
so you reply
with an iloveyou
and go on doing whatever it was you were doing

i don't get it anymore
and i hate missing you so much
i hate needing you so much
i hate being so fucking clingy
because i get annoyed at myself

and in the end,
it's all too terribly obvious;
as i, just sit
the rain and tears running down my face,
indistinguishable,
life goes on.
you've got plenty of stuff to do,
like everyone else
and i ought to go look for a life to live

i do know what i want
i do want you,
so so much
to the point where i hate myself because
it's unreciprocated.
and i, just look pathetic.

allow me to go get a life,
get a fucking life

agloco

2007-04-11T15:40:00.000+08:00

OMG
this sounds reeeeaallyyyyy cool
and you know i wouldn't waste your time right? c'mon!

http://www.agloco.com/r/BBDD1673

basically, you download the viewbar(when it's ready, cos it doesnt seem to be ready yet)
and everytime you use it, you get paid.
a limit of course, up to five hours a day.

SO
you can click on the link, read up on the stuff yourselves, find out whatever you need to
and sign up, indicating you've been referred by me.
THEN,
you pass the message on and you build your refferal network and basically, earn more money.

give it a shot, what've you got to lose?
hmm?

get over it

2007-04-11T14:45:00.000+08:00

i should stop being so clingy

just thinking about myself gets me claustrophobic.

it wasn't so much that i suppose,

it was more that whole

but i asked you first thing, you know?

and maybe it

you know, i really should shutup

but i'm trying to figure out what i'm upset about.

i think i just need to cry and get over myself

just one of those things you'll have to get over it

ohh myyy

2007-04-11T14:36:00.000+08:00

OMG
you won't believe what i saw on Overheard in New York!

The Pain Is Easier to Endure Than the Humiliation

20-ish girl #1: My grandmother said chewing gum is illegal in Singapore.
20-ish girl #2: No way.
20-ish girl #1: Yeah, if they catch you they cane you! In public!
20-ish girl #2: That sucks.
20-ish girl #1: My grandmother says it's an acquired taste.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

first of all,
it's a miracle Singapore was even mentioned.
but i must say, Singapore IS starting to get more recognized.
it's even mentioned in the new Pirates of the Caribbean! amaaaaaazing!

but what's funnier, is how untrue it is.
us here in singapore know we don't get caned in public
what's eve more hilarious is how Singapore is being talked about like some
exotic, unknown country.
evil, dangerous and unknown
like africa or something!

AHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA

okay, i'm gonna go off before i piss myself laughing

quiz 1

2007-04-11T14:08:00.001+08:00

forgive me,
boredom's kicking in

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?- alastaaaaair(:
2. When shopping at the grocery storedo you return your cart?- yea
3. In a social setting are you moreof a talker or listener?- i'd strike up conversations but i do listen
4. Do you take compliments well?- i think i do.i don't do the whole asian "oh, me? i'm not pretty" thing.
5. Are you an active person?- very! i'm actively inactive(:okay i do kinda exercise
6. If abandoned in the wildernesswould you survive?- define wilderness
7. Do you like to ride horses?- love it
8. Did you ever go to a camp as akid?- yea, and i always made excuses to stay out of running games
9. What's a bad habit you have?- i swear too much
10. Are you judgemental?- no
11. Could you date someone withdifferent religious beliefs?- well the person i'm dating now doesn't have different beliefs
12. Do you like to pursue or bepursued?- preferably pursued
13. Do you have a bf/gf?- alastaaair(:
14. Are you tired?- physically, but i just woke up
15. Do you consider yourself matureor immature?- i think i'm pretty much my age
16. Do you know how to shoot a gun?- nope, would love to learn how though
17. If your house was on fire whatwould be the first thing you save?- well family isn't really a thing right? so it'd be my stuffed toys and my phone.
18. How often do you read books?- as often as i can
19. Do you think more about the past,present, or future?- the future
20. What's your favorite children'sbook?- enid blyton stuff
21. Left or right?- riiiight
22. Do any of your top friends have acrush on you?- no
23. Where is your dream houselocated?- Los Angeles
24. What are you wearing?- my nighty
25. Last person you've talked to?- alastaaaair
26. Ever taken pictures in a photobooth?- yea. photo booth fun!:D
27. When was the last time you wereat Olive Garden?- i don't remember ever going there
28. What are your keys on your keychain for?- door, gate and a locker
29. Where was the furthest place youtraveled?- France
30. Where is your current pain?- my lip piercing
31. Do you like mustard?- looove it!
32. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?- sleep
33. Do you like your mom or dad?- i love them both but it's easier loving my mom
35. Can you do splits?- no
36. What movie do you wanna see rightnow?- number 23, except alastair doesn't wanna
37. Do you put lotion on your dog orcat?- when i had a cat i put everything but lotion, come to think of it
38. What did you do for New Year's?- watched a movie and went to Stacy's place for her new year's partyyy
39. Do you think The Grudge wasscary?- didn't bother to watch it
40. Do you own a camera phone?- yeap
42. Was your mom a cheerleader?- nah, she was a scholar
43. Does any of your top friendshave a fat head?- none of my friends have a fat head
44. Who did you vote for on AmericanIdol?- i'm rooting for jordin
45. How many hours of sleep do youget a night?- 6-10
46. What do you buy at the movies?- hotdogs
47. Do you wear your seatbelt?- no
48. What do you wear to sleep?- shirts/nightys
49. How many meals do you eat a day?- 2
50. Is your tongue pierced?- yea
51. Do you always readMySpace/Friendster?- yea
52. Do you like funny or seriouspeople better?- naturally comical people who know how to be serious
53. Did you eat a cookie today?- no
54. Do you use slang words in otherlanguages?- yea
55. Favorite Christmas song(s)?- santa baby
56. Do you hate chocolate?- who hates chocolate!
57. What do you and your parentsfight about the most?- my mom and i fight about sex,my dad and i fight about piercings and "being out of hand"
58. Are you a sensitive person?- i'd like to think so(:

mommy i have a friend who

2007-04-11T00:51:00.000+08:00

quite out of the blue, as usual.

it's strange, how although we look forward to our birthdays every year, we stop noticing that we're growing up.

we stop noticing how being sixteen is quite, quite different from being six and we pick up the six year olds and tell them how adorable they are.

it's only been about a decade since we were that age, and that size,

but we don't quite seem to remember that.

i think what really startles me most is this;

At six, when we say

"mommy i've got a friend who..."

the other half of the sentence talks about random kids who smash legos, or can do splits, or has lots more barbie dolls than us.

At 12, when we say that,

we're talking about a friend who's gotten a second piercing, started smoking and/or cuts school and makes out with guys two years older(thus deemed too old for us)

But now,

at sixteen, the sentence

"mommy i've got a friend who..."

ends off, quite a few times with,

"just got married" or "just gave birth"

i'm not talking about friends the same age as me of course, but around my age.

and i realized,

"around my age" right now includes people who are in their twenties.

so even though people my age aren't getting married yet or giving birth,

people around my age are definitely getting married, one has just become a father, another a mother.

At the very least, people my age or around my age, are contracting sexually transmitted dieseases and/or getting thrown into boys/girls' homes.

c 'est la vie!

after all, what can we do other than nod at this blog post, acknowledge how we're growing older every day and simply carry on with life?

no, i don't want to be sixteen forever

that's not the point of this whole entry.

it's just shocking that one moment we're running around the house refusing to be put to bed for our afternoon naps and pretty much the very next moment,

we're screaming for peace and quiet so we can crawl into bed for our afternoon naps because the days are taking its toll on us.

scary, don't you find?

how days, weeks and christmases pass us by so quickly.

suddenly secondary school life is over and too soon for us,

we're thrown into the ugly world of politics and secret rendezvous at unknown restaurants so that we can know the real deal with so and so as well as so and so.

no wonder people keep wanting to go back to studies.

well, i'm dreadfully tired.

i've had two days of math and i didn't get to rest much today.

i was falling asleep but stayed up to come online and waste a bit more of my life away.

i've been up for an extra two hours now.

shutting up, i take my leave

everyday girl

2007-04-09T12:26:00.000+08:00

so i answered the phone crying
i'm sorry,
what more can i say already?
i was hurt so i reacted the way i did and lashed out
but you turn it around and yes,
i admit, i didn't mean those words i said

what i do really think and feel is;
you're better off without me.
because to you, i'm as close to perfect as perfect gets.
though you admit, that there're half a dozen things you'd like to change about me.
you love me, and i know you do.
but you still want to change those little quirks about me that don't fit you,
that you don't like.
you need someone who doesn't bug you,
who doesn't see a problem with you staying up all night playing games,
perhaps even playing those games with you.
you need someone who doesn't pierce or tattoo or cut
someone who's still in a mainstream school gunning for a brilliant future.
a brilliant future preferably in singapore or australia, right where you want to be

on the other hand,
i know i want you. and yes,
i know i need you.
you've offered me more than any girl could ask for.
one could easily think, but then there are those things about you that i seem like i want to change.
like you staying up all night to play computer games
but the truth is,
you wouldn't be who you are if not for those little quirks.
you're perfect, to me because of what and who you are.
i wouldn't be in love with you if i didn't have those minor things to get annoyed about.

but it's different for you, isn't it?
that piercings and tattoos are an increasing thing on me.
so you would say, go ahead and do what makes you happy
but you don't mean it
and then afterwards, it just backfires on me.
then i am torn,
between wanting to close my piercing or whatever, to make you happy
and thinking that if you loved me enough, the piercing wouldn't matter to you.

then just the other day,
when i was full on ready to just close the new piercing,
you got so pissed off!
saying i was closing it for the wrong reasons.
but on the contrary my darling!
because if it made you happy then i'd be happy too.
can't you see that?

i've sworn never to change for anybody or ever give up the things i love
but i do, for you
simply because i'm in love with you
and your happiness means the world to me

there are still everyday things that continue to happen
things that i'm still upset about.
and i can't say a thing about it

then there's last night which spills over to today.
i gripped the bare blade in my hand so tight, just willing it to sink through my skin
i thought, no.
i'd leave it for today.
i really was sorry about all those things i said, you know.
but you've thrown my tears and sorrys back in my face,
of course, bringing up the horrible mistake i made and today
is just nothing
i thought, if we didn't make it past today,
i'd drive that thing ito my wrist.
but you know,
now i really don't know what i'll do.

oh, how i've always hated unrequitted love.
but what if this is something worse?
that i can love you so much
and know, without a doubt, how much you love me too
but yet, at the very same time
know that you can't really want me if there's so much about me that you want to change?

i had/have a little secret for you

yummy

2007-04-08T23:42:00.000+08:00

yummy yummy

peachy

2007-04-08T22:58:00.000+08:00

i don't know whether to cry, or laugh out of relief, or at the absurdity of it all

sure,

you're a guy

and i'm not even your girlfriend

so i don't really have a right to start freaking out when you havn't contacted me at eleven at night

well, in my opinion

"i'm a guy" doesn't mean you're not gonna turn up dead in a ditch somewhere.

so no,

that reason doesn't quite work for me

i should shut up right about now

really, i don't know if i should cry or laugh

because, yea it is pretty silly if you think about it

and even though i don't need/deserve to know,

i guess i was hurt with the way you replied

oh but who gives a flying fuck, eh?

as promised,i ought to blog a bit about today's filming

it was fun

but i admit, i felt rather like i was "dressed in borrowed robes"

when they referred to me as

"famous" or a

"celebrity blogger".

Honestly speaking, til now i'm not quite sure what i was on the programme for.

haha

apparently sabs told victor that being linked to my blog generates publicity for other people.

that's not true okayyy!haha

i proceeded to tell him that i shall now remove his link!

oh the genius of me.

okay you know what,

frankly i can't blog right now.

the reason is simple:

i blog about whatever i feel and/or whatever's going on as of right now.

right now,

i'm upset because of what happened

of course, i should feel better because of what he replied me

and also because he called me up too.

but;

i'm sorry, i have to admit,

that though on one hand what he's said makes me feel just that tad bit better,

i'm upset.

feeling stupid about myself is one reason:

i'm not your girlfriend, i didn't deserve to know

and therefore i didn't have much of a right to text you what i did at 10.45.

'nother reason would be, what you replied me.

more that what you said, it got me thinking.

yea, what was my problem?

what was my problem?

part of me, at first,

just wanted to say

well don't bother anymore then.

but that's not being fair.

i think a big part of this,

is that right now i do, just feel stupid.

other than that, no

nothing's wrong

i'm fine.

just peachy

just for film

2007-04-08T14:41:00.000+08:00

so today's easter sunday,
filming.
well right now even as we speak i'm getting filmed.
haha
this is kinda fun, i must say

oh i met jasmine, and she didn't recognize me because of my lip piercing
roitte
didn't think i looked that different actually.
well
so spent,
hmm
it's only been about an hour plus,
filmingfilmingfilming

good for mom,
she met old friends.
hahaha

diddums!

so anyway,
this blog post which you've wasted your time reading was typed out simply for filming purposes
gasp! yes! get excited because you've read something that's coming out on teevee!
and oh yes,
this is also me, NOT blogging about my father and a whole bunch of other stuff.

thank you for your time(:

mmm

2007-04-07T01:28:00.000+08:00

dinner with victor and aidan was lovely,
as was drinks when mummy joined us, at grapevine
topped up with a karaoke session.
oh the embarrassment!

i am horribly, disgustingly tired right now

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING AKIRA BABYYYY

too tired to say anymore, sorry.

oh, but i love you