with |ove; me

Friday, August 03, 2007

light the fire again

I'm still in love with the person i fell in love with,

and i'm only beginning to realize, that,

i don't really know you very much after all.

Lets face it, we all change.

you tell me i'm changing, and i'm realizing,

a little too late, that you are too.

I guess,

what i mean to say is,

I don't know if i'm in love with the right person.

with the person that you've become.

Maybe, at the end of the day it's just me really.

And since you've pointed it out, i'm trying not to keep repeating myself.

This is something i realized as i lay awake at three am, trying to figure out what it is that i'm thinking about, and trying, ever so desperately to understand it.

I realized that, it's not that i don't love you anymore.

Instead, i'm in love with the you that you used to be,

and maybe, you're still in love with the me that i used to be too.

The question now is, and we've got the next ten years to answer it,

is,

do i want to love the person you've become?

and do you, want to love the person that i've become?

and because we won't stay the same forever, do you still want to love me, when i change more than i already have.

whether it's for the better or for the worse.

and do i want to love you, when you change too.

it sounds insanely serious.

like, we have to decide right now.

But we don't.

i'm coming to realize that now.

you're nineteen, and i'm sixteen.

Twenty-one isn't very far away, but even if we ever get back together, i have my doubts that we'll be ready when i'm that age.

We're still teenagers.

I'm still in the middle of it, and you're nearly finishing being a teenager.

we're all growing up, and having friends get married and have kids.

we can't rush anything.

lots of people wanna get married at like, twenty one or twenty four and at thirty they're still waiting.

But that's better than getting married early and getting divorced or feeling that it was the biggest mistake of your life.

i'm fucking sixteen, i shouldn't even be talking about this right now, should i?

Not everyone gets their fairytale ending. and i'm not saying this as i cry and realize i'm not one of those lucky bitches.

i'm saying this as i realize that, i can't make you love me, and i can't make you believe me.

what you said before, it's finally starting to make sense.

that if anything happens, we'll have to start from scratch. love each other all over again.

that's if you want to, and if i want to.

and the greatest thing is that,

we don't have to decide now!

why are we even trying to solve this mind-boggler in our heads anyway,

when we both have lives to live.

at our age, we have shit to worry about.

we shouldn't be talking about the wedding that might or might not happen.

less to think about is good, after all.

It's fun, i'll admit.

it's nice picking out sheets and beds and choosing matching cupboards and desks for the kids.

but we shouldn't worry about it, any of it.

right now, we shouldn't have to think of how we're going to settle into married life.

and whether or not we're meant to be.

because as far we know, we might have been meant to be until i messed up.

but then again, that doesn't really make sense does it?

Perhaps i'll spend the next ten years wondering if you're gonna come after me,

if you're gonna forgive me, and if i really knew you at all.

but it's not for me, or you, to worry about right now.

simply because, we don't have to.

until one of us gets married,

there's a chance of us meeting again and falling in love, all over again.

completely from scratch.

maybe i'll love the new you better than i do now, more than i do now.

maybe you'll love me more, because i've grown up and changed.

or maybe, you'll become this self centered bitch and i'll hate you, and maybe you'll hate me too.

or rather, just, not love. you know

maybe.

but that's for us to find out.

right now, we change, and we don't have to figure out if we still love each other or not.

Or if we'll still love each other in the future.

we'll just let it happen.

then we wouldn't be holding on to something that happened, way back then.

i know the two and a half years i spent with you was brilliant.

i loved it, every second.

Even when we argued and fought and cried and did stupid things.

It's a learner for me, you know.

i'll never think it was a waste of time, because it wasn't and it never will be.

I don't regret anything i've done with you, and there'll always be a pang of,

i don't know, something a little bittersweet,

when i think of you.

so now, you've changed and you're changing.

i hardly know you anymore, i realize. and somethings about you just,

completely suprise me.

i'll bet you think the same thing about me too.

maybe we'll love each other, when we're at our end product.

maybe we won't.

for all we know, we could get married to different people and when our other halves die and we're like,

80, we meet up and we fall in love all over again.

and maybe that will be how we end up together.

I'll still think we made it, somehow. you know?

so for now,

we dry our eyes.

blow our goodbye kisses and,

we remember how we loved the each other that we knew.

and wonder about, loving the each other we have yet to know.

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:51 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.