Friday, July 06, 2007
i froze.
for that moment, it was like the world was at a standstill. i couldn't, just couldn't believe it.
"yea, like oh my gawd"
with a snap, air seemed to be breathed into everything around us.
except for me i guess.
we stopped, looking at each other.
slowly,slowly, taking in the reality of it all.
i was too numb to think it through properly, and so,
as it always does before raw emotion comes pouring through,
it was anger and bitchiness that rose within me first.
and i let it.
why shouldn't i, after all?
so we bitched and dissed.
perhaps, for a moment, it made us feel better.
really, it didn't.
we'd pause, let silence seep between us like slow growing vines,
and we'd acknowledge, if only just a little bit,
how painful it was.
the realization of this, and the betrayal
oh! the betrayal.
it didn't make sense, none of it did.
was it supposed to?
"what could she possibly have to gain from doing such a thing?"
i found myself asking him desperately
the answer is, simply, that there is no answer really.
i have known her for nearly a year, and he, barely a month.
choosing to judge for himself, he has but listened to all those warnings
and we, have known each other barely a week
how can it be that we find ourselves trusting the stranger of the two and how is it
that the other could have,
found it necessary to do such a thing?
it is painful,
and terribly scary to find this out, and in such a way.
oh, and hadn't it been barely twenty four hours when she threw her arms around each of us.
but i can't, and won't, deny that she is indeed, a nice friendly person.
perhaps if we hadn't gotten so close,
we wouldn't have been burnt so bad.
hearing the beeping of the closing doors and
walking away from my newfound kindered spirit,
i am suddenly overwhelmed with such disgust
and hurt.
reaching for my phone, he promises, in the first few seconds,
to be free to hear what i have to say.
"tell me, just tell me now"
and i try,
oh i do try.
"hold on i,"
background noise
"call you back"
and so i wait.
"it's not in dohby ghaut, it's in orchard. come over"
"my class. i'll sort out dinner myself"
"i'm sorry"
i wander up and down,
running my fingers absent mindedly over lightly dusted toys
i notice the sale of pillows,
soft, downy pillows.
smiling, but i realize that i had only one reason to buy that pillow.
that reason was now gone.
has been gone for, it must be nearly two months already.
and hour to kill,
my feet hurt and i am terribly tired.
i settle myself at cafe cartel.
"a chocolate mint frappe, thank you"
alone time.
writing, writing. always writing.
i feel a pang of, what is it?
pain? lonliness?
too cold to think
i dial his number
"hello?"
unfamiliar, high,
female.
"hell.."
i trail off, checking my phone to see if i've dialed the right number.
for the second time today,
my heart freezes
when i bring the phone back to my ear,
it's his voice
but suddenly i can't talk to him
"you didn't call back"
his hands are wet
suddenly, as much as i still want to,
almost, confide and pour out my heart and soul,
i can't.
i'm overwhelmed, yet again.
being overwhelmed so many times in a single day is really,
quite,
overwhelming.
ignore my dry humour.
my eyes are already wet.
it's a tad too much to take already.
first her, and then suddenly.
but i tried you see.
i so badly wanted to tell him, but he was too busy.
or something.
it's not that he didn't try,
not that he'd be blamed if he didn't because he isn't, at the end of the day,
my boyfriend,
but he was so caught up with thisthat and the other.
he was with friends, i can't interrupt that.
and even though he almost coaxed it out of me,
even calling me during math to ask,
i couldn't tell him.
it was almost like,
when i needed to tell him, i couldn't.
and it got stuck in my throat, together with tears that had involuntarily sprang to my eyes.
and suddenly i'm filled with such nothingness,
such absolute nothingness.
i could cry.
i do,
almost.
but check myself.
nothing else makes sense,
nothing needs to, really.
and notice how terribly tired of the world i am.
"i hate to tell you this, but,
i told you so"
yea i know you did.
i know you're right again.
and you ask yourself, will there be just once,
when she's wrong.
when the world isn't so ugly.
we'd laugh at her exaggerated tales and fluffly blanks
but it cannot be anymore than.
11:11 make a wish
wish i could be, part of that worldoh too coincidental!
and where are you now,
when i need you.
i'm sorry,
i shouldn't right?
because you can't,
simply cannot, care for me.
i'm sorry, i shouldn't,
i can't expect that of you.
i can't help wondering,
if you still keep that pillowcase on.
or did you,wait, i think you returned it,
along with the love letter and everything i'd given you.
how silly of me,
i should've remembered, should't i?
the new pillow, clean and untouched,
it lies on my bed.
the pillowcase meant for it just not quite so perfect for it, anymore.
tell me how we can, you know,
when there is so much between us.
when inside, i'm dying.
i'll clink glasses, to her,
the friend who wasn't
and to him too,
the lover who just couldn't.
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:22 PM
i froze.
peeeeektooores!(: