with |ove; me

Sunday, December 24, 2006

no please, don't ask.

this christmas seemed pretty alright after alastair's party at his uncle's place.
then it got depressive when my party dwindled down to the empty beer cans and cigarette burns

i can't remember when was the last time i didn't cry myself to sleep
this sounds melo drama doesn't it?
sounds overly emo

but ohmygawd
it's painfully raw

i swore i knew the melody,
that i heard you singing.
and when you smiled you made me feel
like i could sing along
but then you went and changed the words
now my heart is empty
i'm only left with used to bes
and once upon a song

gawd
how fuckingfucking cliche
how fuckingfucking painful

i sound fucking self-piteous.
i shall go shopping today
mmmm

a part of me died last night
but i don't know if i really wanted that to happen

it's sunday,
doesn't feel like it
doesn't feel like christmas eve

back in pasir ris,
because of downtown east,
you could somehow sense the christmas spirit when you look out the living room window
here,
i see the mental institution/girls home that i'll be going back to next year

i don't feel like it's christmas
i don't really feel quite alive,
i'm wondering who's breathing for me
who's keeping this person living

oh, won't someone stop me from crying?

memories are getting blurry,
your fingertips are now so far from mine
i don't know where any of this is going
and i just want to curl up and die

sorry, i didn't want to delete all that you know?
but oh,
it isn't so bad now.
and i'm really quite happy(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:46 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.