with |ove; me

Friday, December 22, 2006

everything's changed now,
everything between us.

not only for the first time in my entire life am i completely and utterly not in the christmas mood,
but i'm also spiralling into semi-depression.

before, i could never ever understand how anyone could ever get depressed
or how anyone could not be in the christmas mood.

this is the first fucking year

i mean, it is strange considering i'm the one who's in the christmas mood all fucking year round.
and this year,
not only am i not playing christmas songs or even singing it,
i'm cuddling up by myself in bed
pacifying myself with janis ian and glasses of wine
(goddamn therapeutic i gurantee you)
this year,
i havn't even gotten my christmas shopping done.
and oh how i used to scorn those rushing around a couple of days before christmas

"hello!how can you not have time for christmas shopping!"
i'd say to them
(this comes from someone who at 9 years old was buying christmas presents in march.
of course it got better as i grew older and from 11 years old onwards i started in october)

and now.
i'm just flat out annoyed with my life,
relationship(if any)
and i really do not know where the fucking fuck i'm going.

i'm supposed to go shopping today,
by myself.

i ought to get used to it,
just like i'm used to crying to sleep, waking up with swollen eyes and reaching for my cream.

get used to it

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:03 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.