with |ove; me

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

perfectest moment
i realized i didn't need to cut myself
to end my life
because it ended anyway
when i chose to say goodbye

at some point in time after a break up
you'll go through that special box
people in relationships have that special box and they'll know what i'm talking about
of course, for some people it's that special drawer

but anyway,
i went through that special box
and i realized what i had said goodbye to
letters and letters
not too many to read though i have to say
but then, i've always complained about that
and he's always complained about his handwriting

that special box had notes we wrote i passed to each other when we were studying
it had pictures
and it had those notes he used to leave all over my room for me to find

one i laughed and cried at said
"you being pretty, me being stupid. guess we're meant to be"

all the letters he wrote me when he was in australia
i realized it was only 7 or 6 days?
and we were missing each other so much
so so much

just like now i suppose, just like now

i don't have what it takes
to tell you how much i love you
and how much i need you still
even now
and i'm sorry for that
truly,
i am
i used to want to know if you loved me enough to let me go
how do i tell you that now,
i don't really want or even need you to actually?
i'm doing what i've always done,
turning away before my first tear falls
and pulling back from your kiss because i'm scared of what it could mean
walking away,
before i have the chance to turn back and pour myself out to you

here it is now,
i still love you
i still want you
i still need you
and i'm missing you,
like crazy
believe me

i'm picking up the phone
putting it down again
picking it up, dialling your number
but replacing the receiver as it rings in my ear
i'm calling through
but i say a hey instead of all the words that seem ready to come out
like verbal diahorrea

that i
i don't
i can't

fuck i can't do this here

- xoxo
charis loves you
8:14 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.