with |ove; me

Friday, September 15, 2006

because,
you're so damned sexy
i swear

lunch was good
i'm back on antibiotics and medicine is making me very weak
suntec city really is an effing bitch to get into so don't
not til after next week
but then,
we're all supposed to be studying aren't we?
so we shouldn't really be found there

that's rich coming from me
mummy met with the dm and mrs b today
i've got a 60% of being retained
you know what?
i didn't know it was that low
i'm not being sarcastic

though i don't want to be retained,
i'm facing facts
with my record,
even if i pull up my grades
i've missed a lot of this year
and that's reason enough to keep me back a year

enough.

so i'm sorry,
that i'm not good enough
there's a reason i don't sing whenever you're around
and that's because i don't sing the way you want me to
my voice isn't clear,
it isn't the bell it used to be
it doesn't sound sweet
it isn't perfect
so i'm nasal
can you hear the pain in my voice?
i might not be able to sing,
certainly not the way you'd like me to
but that doesn't mean i can't love to sing

you know it's my weakness don't you?
and it feels like even that i have to
make
worthwhile

i need to stop thinking
thoughts in my mind just whirling,
whirling
i need to stop my world from spinning
though if i stand still long enough
it's almost like i have control
almost

*****

i heard a song just now, i havn't heard it for quite a while
and well
it brought back memories
and of a younger, more innocent charis
well i can't really say more innocent
but
haha
i don't know

the song was from the musical before mine
it goes

i'm only looking for a sign
i'm only searching for an answer
but it's been so long
since you've been gone
there's nothing i can hold on

are you there Lord,
do you care?
can you answer my prayer?
Abba Father,
can you hear me?
tell me how to believe
cos why does it seem
like it's just an empty dream
and i need to know
if You're still here
for me

i miss those times,
reharsals for The Father's Hand and all
where Charis was happy
really happy
i didn't cut so much
stopped throwing up so often
because it was family i found
what i had,
was, is all a sec one can ever ask for

anyway,
nice poem
which once again, put words to my insides(:
i didn't write this,
it was off psyke.org

As I trace the lesions to my wrist,
I inhale the scent of blood,
Trickling down my waxen wrist,
No one understood.

I hope their happy,
Now I’m fading away,
Ending my life once and for all,
I hope they realize,
The reason this is,
Listen as you hear death call.

I am so sorry,
More than you know,
More than you ever will,
But alas this is,
The only way it can be,
My cold heartedness made me ill.

I have no more tears,
Left to cry,
What I did have has drained away,
I only wish someone had turned round to me,
And uttered so softly,
‘Stay?’

I used to think that to love was to live,
That my life would feel complete,
I used to think that death was the end,
Now I know it’s a safe retreat.

To love is to live,
Or that’s what they say,
Fools, how wrong they have been,
To love is to die,
As our hearts fade away,
Decaying by causes unseen.

Love attacks the heart,
Which slowly subsides,
Like a wiltering rose in a storm,
Love takes our emotions and rips them to shreds,
Only our spirit is left to mourn.

To live is to love,
And to love is to die,
The razorblade seems to stay strong,
Each cut to my body,
Like a gash to the heart,
Somehow, I cannot go on…

just one moment,
made everything
not so brilliant

the sexy guy, who's gaze i avoid
can you tell?
that i love you too

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:20 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.