with |ove; me

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

this is it
it's not like i didn't think
i talked with my friends

you know someone actually asked
"why are you with alastair, he always makes you cry"

but you don't,
you didn't
not always

but you've never really been one to think much before saying have you?
or dress up your words
you're sensitive and emotional but your words have cut more than the blade you keep trying to take outta my hand

you really hurt me
and while i've deleted old, lovey messages telling me how we'll be together forever,
i kept and locked the one where you kept telling me over and over again how unreasonable i was
i'll never get over that you know
i'll never get over that

running through the house like a madman
searching through drawer after drawer
drunk on just a shot
coughing, choking
throwing up in the toilet
and then once more,
frantically
searching the whole house
for that one thing i needed
i couldn't find it
so i used a much smaller substitute
and in that moment
my whole body was overwhelmed with a strange calm
a calm that allowed me to sink against my wall and cry as i deleted each message
this was your last chance
you blew it

goodbye

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:20 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.