with |ove; me

Thursday, August 24, 2006

"all it takes, is just one person" was what i had said
"no, it's just that person" he had said
what could i say to that?

about three to four people know
i remember you had asked once,
how could i tell you?

they know but do they know how much it cuts me up inside
now?
i talked it out today with a special confidante
i've been busy,
but i got round to reading

unexpected, yet not shocking
when i came round to that particular post
and all i could do was simply dissolve,
and turn away as tears fell

i remember, when it was brought up,
stupidly the first thing i thought of,
was how long ago it was,
and how long i had put it up
and how long it was til anyone saw
and how no one would've seen otherwise

pathetic isn't it?
pathetic

i understood where you were/are coming from completely
no you can't just laugh it off
and i'm sorry
yes,
i thought,
and i was thinking even as i uploaded those pictures
and you know what i thought?
that no one would see it,
hardly anyone, if anyone at all

i didnt advertise it
it's a link on my blog but strangely it's unknown

tell me,
did you even know of the existance of my website before the incident?
i'm guessing not

see, that's what i meant when i said my stuff's relatively unknown
i guess i shouldn't have left space for hairline cracks
we've gotten into enough trouble
and i'm sorry
truly i am

i think back to how far back we go
and i realize,
not really

i cannot get over it,
this

to walk into a conversation which would otherwise have been so comfortable
but instead
when you say hi,
you can see the words form as you breathe it out of your lips
and then they fall to the ground,
broken glass

to have to talk through you
or to simply,
not talk
or not know if i should

and oh,
how it tears me up inside
tears that get lost in the night

those off-beat moments,
when i hope nobody catches me,
when people go "hey, you're stoning"
and i turn, flash my brightest smile
i lie through my teeth, and act like i do on stage and go
"nah i'm not, i'm fine"

off beat moments when my mind wanders and inevitable
my eyes fill

makes me wonder
it does
my stupidity

enough

filming was gorgeously fun
though yesterday we ended bloody late
honestly,
i havn't enjoyed myself filming in a long time
i forgot how fun it could be

sure,
i didn't really know know people
but it was fine
i think everyone pretty much clicked(:

and wow,
we were really given star treatment

i swear i can act like that and not get paid,
just have my transport and food covered
haha

then again,
maybe not

but really,
we were treated really well
i mean,
i knew we'd get picked up and sent back
but in a BMW was kinda a big difference(:

lovely lovely

mummy called today,
i really do miss her
and though i love my freedom,
i can't wait for mummy to be home

i feel bad nowadays,
cos i get really annoyed with janice cos she'll keep calling me asking where i am
she does that with mummy too
except after a while, when i know it's her,
i answer the phone with a
"what?!"
like last night for example,
and she was just calling to say goodnight

she's really the sweetest little angel sometimes

i'm gonna be up early tomorrow for school because
GUESS WHAT
i'm gonna go on time so i can go for art
and i'll be there on time for friday as well

alright,
apparently another picture which i've just put up ought to be taken down
fuck i should have a completely private photo blog

so i'm sorry,
for being human
and making mistakes
sorry, for being alive

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:35 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.