Saturday, July 22, 2006
school.
so i made it, survived the first week of my good girl week.
but just as i jumped into my success,
someone took away the trampoline beneath me which i was supposed to bounce off and into next week.
instead, i crashed
and i cried
because there was nothing else i could do
how was i supposed to react?
spending most of the week looking for either the VP or the Principal herself,
i've been keen on inviting them to my show since the opportunity for the invitation is open.
i admit, alright,
since sec 1, all i've ever wanted was for Mrs Lee to be proud of me.
fuck, it sounds so wrong,
and so fucking weird
and y'all so gonna laugh but you know,
it's true.
i managed to see the VP today,
and after excitedly telling her all about my show and all and if she'd like to come...
see, i didnt care or bother whether or not it was official or non official.
i just wanted them to come
of course,
i explained it officially and she basically said she needed the letter. unfortunately, mr leow (i know! he's gonna come(: )
had taken the letter after reading it and thus i didn't have it on me.
but anyway,
when she saw the papers i held (which were printed out by me, duh)
she shook her head explaining she needed it official with the letterhead.
after saying i couldn't, she still wanted to see the email anyway.
her being the VP,
i kinda couldn't really tell her i had a deadline
but from there,
she moved on to how my grades were bad
she told me i had been missing lotsa tests and had a high rate of absentism.
i said i know, the tests i'd missed had only been in term 1 and i was only absent a lot in term one and beginning of term 2.
she retorted, of course
her answer wrong, wrong reason but i won't correct her,
just nod my head and smile
she said my attitude is bad and mrs lee thinks maube i should even find another place(to study in)
i sort of defended myself
i said i had been turning up in school a lot more
(which really means a lot to me and is a huge deal)
and she goes:
"it's not about turing up. it's about your attitude. and we judge your attitude based on your results, which aren't good"
i don't see what an attitude has to do with results,
still, i smile pleasantly,
telling myself to ignore the fact that i came on good terms and went into her much avoided office of my own will and here she was, putting me down and making me seem like fucking shit.
"it's good that when you've come to see me you're properly attired"
basically,
she's implying that on normal day to day basis, i'm improperly attired.
and wasn't i right!
she goes
"but there are times when you're not properly attired in school"
my eyes widen in pure and utter confusion.
after all my efforts of wearing a high waisted overlong pinifore,
you're saying there's still something wrong with my attire?
this is what she picks on,
she says:
"sometimes your badge isn't on"
i know she means name tag cos i hate going round without a school badge and so, this happens very rarely. wait, it never happens, i always have my school badge on.
she also says:
"sometimes your socks are too low. you know you don't need me to quote,i'm sure you know."
i nod and smile even though i'm not sure i know how 'improper' my attire has been.
she confiscates my nose stud
she says she'll talk to all my teachers who i am very sure have quite good impressions of me, save my english teacher.
she wants their on opinion on whether i should stay in class.
they want my mother down and they want to see her so badly that they've threatened they might tell me i cant attend class until mummy comes down.
first of all,
i don't see how that'll help
secondly,
i don't get the threatening.
i leave the office,
a fake smile,
a mask,
plastered on my face.
i went into the office which all us students avoid,
simply to invite her to my play.
instead,
not only did she give me and earful about official ways and all,
she told me off for something that happened or had been happening two months back.
what she said today,
it just makes me want to skip school on monday.
i can't stand it.
i mean,
fuck,
i've just started getting into the swing of my good girl week and you're putting me down like this?
why?
why i ask?
out of all my friends, my belt is the highest, my uniform the tightest
(besides the fact that i'm fat)
i always bring my nametag
i've even stopped wearing extra ear sticks in my extra holes
i've been to school so much more often
and still,
it's not enough.
it's still not enough.
when you've been cut off, broken down so many times, after a while, you just don't want to grow anymore you play with the last straw of my nerves, bitch, you play and i swear...
i'm sad
and silence rings loud in ears,
i wrote a post about today which just makes me wanna cry again
and i'm sick.
i've been sick the whole week.
not really sick
but i know im coming down with something
mummy gave me a hug
guess i really needed that
but other than that,
other than mummy, i didn't really have people to talk to about today
alastair's busy and tired
i mean,
it's not so much so that he always has to be around but
never mind.
yea,
because i've been alone.
when the silence rings loud.
i'm tired,
i could've done all this earlier
but instead
i was finishing alastair's present
stupid
it's so dumb anyway
and i'm thinking
fuck this
and on top of that,
i can't read my poem tomorrow while i'm up there.
i wrote it specially for the two of them(andrew and michelle)
reading it to mummy and alastair,
it's nice cos they say it's good.
but reading it out to someone else,
it suddenly made me feel so very stupid
made me feel like a little kid who came up with silly words which i thought rhymed.
anyway
im falling asleep.
and yes,
i hope someone will read this post and send it to the school so those two will get the slap they need
"now now, you shouldn't complain about secondary school. wait til you get out and start working in the world"
"no fucking way, you havn't been in PL"
i say, amen to that!
haha
ah wells
(:
ever wanted to fly? how about die?
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:02 AM
peeeeektooores!(: