with |ove; me

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

what happened to this?

pictures taken with his camera phone,
late nights we all spent at this same place
getting high, getting drunk
laughing, just laughing

the laughs still echo off the walls of this now cold, empty house
i still hear them
i see us red, flushed with too much to drink
i hear our little secrets, all of them
his, mine, yours, ours

i remember tai tee
or scrabble
i remember what we don't have now
and i don't know if we ever will again

something happened along the way,
the distance between mummy and i grew
and finally, after the last time
it was slowly coming back
the old times

the planned suprises,
long talks
it was all coming back
my relationship with my mother was coming back together again

and then,
this

i want this to be a dream i can wake up from
but if i make it a dream,
then so will every other thing i've ever lived for
it would all be a dream
reality would be a dream
and i don't know if i really want that
because jemma's small hand in mine would also be a dream too
and i don't want that to happen

i know it's been a while,
strange that after everything,
all the time i've spent trying to push myself away from You
yet come closer,
i'm here
i'm here in front of You
tears in my eyes and on my knees

i need You,
i need help
i need You
i don't know who to turn to

i know my life's been a mess,
but please,
help me get through this
just help me get through this

i'm not making deals with You,
because you're not that kinda guy
but i'm telling You,
here and now
that i need You more than ever
more than i ever thought i'd admit
not because of this situation
but because of my life as well
help me through this

please,
i'm begging you

i'm not sure what i'm asking really
i want this to be okay,
to disappear even though i know it won't
but i think,
what i'm really asking Lord,
is for you to be beside me and tell me it'll be okay.

i'm sorry

so what happened to those times?
when we just played music and danced together
when we didn't see this shit hurtling itself into our face

a whole new world, for you and me

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:20 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.