with |ove; me

Sunday, June 11, 2006

so i was talking to dollie and penny,
because you know,
they're they're the only ones who stay round long enough to hear me rant nowadays
and i realized,
yea i admit
that i was being childish

i was, indeed

so here's how it goes

bad evening,
this is supposed to explain my first post.
the one with the picture of the girl smoking
anyway,
so i'm telling of the itty bittys that's pissed me off,
and being me i sidetrack to
i love you
and the next minute,
goodnight!

and the response is just a
oh, goodnight then

so i claim he's not listening

it starts off as a playful sulk,
like the playful goodnight
because well,
i'm thinking if you were listening then you'd know i wasn't done telling about my bad day
i mumble stuff but tell him it's nothing

and i end off the shit with a goodnight,
for real,
since he's gonna be going to sleep too anyway

and well,
after all the mumbling to myself and then saying it's nothing,
you know,
as usual,
or as it's recently become usual,
it's just easier not to say anything
anything at all

but then as i'm lying on the bed,
still on the phone but just falling asleep
i realize
i don't have anyone

i mean,
i have a boyfriend,
though perhaps after tonight it'd be a 'i had'
i have loads of darling friends who i can talk to
i have a best friend

but i don't have anyone i can talktalk to
i mean,
by the time i settle down to chat about this with my friends,
the situation would've been settled anyway

it's just weird
especially cos we don't keep filling each other out on our lives
so you know,
that's why it'd be weird if i suddenly called em up to complain about my bad day

so actually,
i don't have anyone
anyone at all,
besides penny and dollie that is

little stuff like bad days have long been left outta our conversations already

so that's when i cried
because i realized that while vicky probably has someone to call up(me for instance,) when she's depressed,
i don't
i can call him i guess
i guess
and we'd talk
but oh i don't know

i just wanted someone to listen,
just for you know,
like five fucking minutes
just wanted to tell someone how annoyed i was this evening about certain things
and i couldn't

so when i was asked why i was crying
i obviously don't have an answer
i'm too fucking lazy to cut myself
it stopped hurting ages ago anyway
eyed my pills when i stopped myself from getting a nice drink
but i avoided that too
you know why?
cos i'm too sick and tired

you're being very childish
and oh don't it

but though it seems like i'm throwing a bitch fit over a small thing,
it's really not that small
it links all the way back up to lets see,
you not really listening, (or in my opinion, you would've known i was far from done)
which linked to how i can't talk to anyone
and how everyone's busy
well everyone's always busy so never mind that

i don't know what your problem

well i'm not sure of that either,
and i don't know if it's a problem but i really don't expect you to understand.

yea,
it seems like i'm being childish
and maybe i am

or maybe it's just that we have an identity crisis,
i'm struggling to stay fifteen cos i miss being my own age and you're trying to grow up.

oh fucking hell,
just fuck this

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:30 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.