alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

pictures taken with his camera phone
laughing
happiness

faces flushed with too much to drink
naps on the couch
drunken laughter and attempts to walk straight

'good morning beautiful's
and
'i love you's

sweet and simple
what we thought could only last forever

we're drifting apart,
he says

understatement of the year

well actually,
i don't think we're drifting apart
we drifted apart ages ago
when rule-breaking wasn't his thing
when late night partying wasn't all that

when i realized it was always me wanting to meet up
and him telling me to school
when i told myself to stop
and allowed the drift

well wasn't it better?
we see each other less,
wasn't that what you wanted?
but now the problem is,
that i fell back into my old self
the needing to see you

but i'll curb that soon enough
there's only so many negative answers you can take isn't there?

you always told me that we can't compare now with last year
but we both agree last year was better
the same itty bittys we fought over
except this year,
it's different

it's different because you're changing
and i'm changing
everyone changes
and i accepted that
but you're not accepting my changes

whatever i do now,
or have done now
i would've done last time,
last year,
or before we were together

see,
that's the thing
i acknowledge that i've changed
but not in the ways you think

i smoked, cut, drank, kissed guys and girls last time
last time,
last year,
before you,
and now,
though on rarer occassions
with the exception of drinking

the only "changed" bit,
is the increase in swearing
must've happened without my knowledge
and i can't defend myself if two people have told me i swear more

benefit of the doubt,
and i'll cut down on it

if you think you don't know me
i'm starting to know myself even less

the charis i knew,
would never cut over a guy
no one owned her, she lived her own life
her life was more or less the way she wanted it
no one told her to do nothin
the world was hers to fall into

but see,
i've cut,
i've cut a couple of times over you
i still insist no one owns me but i feel like i'm cheating on you if i play truth or dare, kiss a girl and don't tell you
i can't go to a party without promising you what time i'll be home and promising not to be drunk though that doesn't really help cos you'd still worry about me
i'm not complaining about that
but see,
i've had to compromise
no clubbing without you
all that jazz

i told stacy her boyfriend was too controlling
"if you wanna go club, club. don't miss having fun cos he don't allow"

it's not that i'm not allowed
it's that
i either feel bad if you're not there
or i just end up not going cos of this that and the other

if you thought last year was wonderful,
i did too
but it's past
get over that
cos i made myself after you said now is now

i could live in The Father's Hand forever
but i didn't
we move on
and all that's left are sweet memories

there's no regret
you choose whether to leave or stay
because my decisions are usually yours

so i'll curb my need to see you
because it just happened
a couple of times
and we're already into a new term

sat on the inside,
left the outer seat free for you
but you were busy
even though i was already there
settled with my stuff
you weren't coming
that was that
don't say sorry
you've done nothing wrong
i'm starting to get used to it too you see,
looking forward to something
only to have that crushed

chill baby,
it'll be alright
i'm just fine
just peachy fine

there's no sarcasm here,
i swear
it's just
see i lived better,
i cried so much less
when i put a leash around my neck
i want that
if that's how i can stay with you and be happy
then i want that
we've drifted already
you mean you only noticed that now?

but it'll be alright
just get myself straight
and i will be alright



hidden kisses and smiles with tears

drifting apart you say?
baby,
we've drifted
ages ago

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:55 PM

credits

layout by chris. (:

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just for laughs
my boyfriend's a twat
overheard in New York

peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.