alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


View My Stats

 

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

my laptop's back.
yay

recess with rach and santi
this is where it all starts you see


mirror mirror on the wall
have i got it?
cos mirror you've always told me
who i am

i'm findin it's not easy
to be perfect
so sorry,
you wont define me
sorry,
you don't own me

who are you to tell me that i'm
less than what i should be
who are you?!
who are you?
i dont need to listen
to the list of things i should do
i won't try
no,
i won't try

mirror i am seeing
a new reflection
i'm lookin into the eyes
of who you made me

and through Him
i have beauty beyond compare
i know
He defines me

who are you to tell me that i'm
less than what i should be
who are you?!
who are you?
i dont need to listen
to the list of things i should do
i won't try
no,
i won't try


so tell me,
how many times you've wondered who you are
looked in the mirror and asked yourself
"what am i becoming"
or
"what have i become"?

a friend thought i had changed for the worse,
didn't stop to think that i could've changed for the worse and am only just climbing back on track.

in my honest opinion,
i don't think i've ever changed for the worse
what i became and have become is all part of my growing up.
and aren't we all?
at 80 you can decide you wanna have more fun with your life and you party the rest of your life away.
my point is that,
we're all growing up.

we all continue to look for ourselves,
journey of self discovery as we grow up
i'm not saying i've found myself completely and utterly
no,
far from it
but isn't that the whole fun of adolesence?
to find yourself?

if you click on the tab which says .her.
you'll read just the beginning of how i grew up.

i had a looong looong talk with my friend
and i started to get defensive
defensive and upset
i felt that the last time she knew me was when i was in primary 6
which is true
and it's been three years now
people change
you definitely change when you get into secondary school.
in primary 6 i swore a bit,
but i swore a lot more in sec1.
i puctuated every sentece with "fuck" or "dammit"

went on swear diets with vicky,
and seeing victor suddenly stop swearing made me want to pipe down as well.
so in last year i started swearing less.
and you can really notice the difference
and im pleased with myself
and i really admire vicky who i think has stopped swearing a lot.

but then,
these kind of conversations come up
and you start to wonder.
i started getting used to mummy saying "Language!" in a warning tone whenever i swore.
she used to swear a whole lot too.

now whenever i swear,
for a reason not good enough
alastair frowns
or he'd go "baby do you have to swear"
it seems okay if i swear because i'm angry,
or if i forgot something,
it's not okay if i swear because i bang by toe against the chair and the word
"fuck" comes out loud and harsh especially over the phone.

so yea,
i've been piping down my swearing
and then today,
my friend claimed she was grossed out
she said i wasn't behaving myself
she said i wasn't myself and i contradicted my own beliefs

i told her once,
that you can't try to be cool.
the more you try the more unyourself you are
and that's the worst.

she claimed i was speaking with an accent,
an accent that she had never heard before.
she said she was disgusted when i said fuck because a fork flew off rach's plate.
hello,
automatic reaction
especially cos the fork could've hit vicky.
but yea,
she said i was being someone i wasn't

it's things like these,
statements like these which make me go back and wonder
am i really being myself?
and i ask myself now,
am i?

KID,MY SWEET & SILENT SUICIDE PLAN, JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE ARE MAGGOTS OF THIS WORLD FUCK,JUST END MY LIFE says:

then if thats the prob then correct what YOU think is wrong,dont care about what others has to say,

KID,MY SWEET & SILENT SUICIDE PLAN, JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE ARE MAGGOTS OF THIS WORLD FUCK,JUST END MY LIFE says:

be yourself,

yours truly//- when you start to de-exist says:
that's what i've always said!

yours truly//- when you start to de-exist says:
be yourself

yours truly//- when you start to de-exist says:
and i've been myself

KID,MY SWEET & SILENT SUICIDE PLAN, JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE ARE MAGGOTS OF THIS WORLD FUCK,JUST END MY LIFE says:

then dont think about it alright?

KID,MY SWEET & SILENT SUICIDE PLAN, JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE ARE MAGGOTS OF THIS WORLD FUCK,JUST END MY LIFE says:

be yourself,do not let others change you

KID,MY SWEET & SILENT SUICIDE PLAN, JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE ARE MAGGOTS OF THIS WORLD FUCK,JUST END MY LIFE says:

alright?

and i thought about it,
and i realized,
i've always made sure no one changes for me and i don't change for anyone.
and i havn't changed for anyone
and that's what's important to me.
swearing too much isn't good and i've piped down
but i am what i am and i am who i am right now
because i want to be

this isn't a masquerade,
im not putting on a fake front
i'm not swearing because it's cool
because like duh, swearing isn't cool
i'm not pretending to be someone i'm not,
i don't pick fights
and i don't always do things to attract attention.

simple action like me changing my spectacles should tell you and show you that i'm toning down now.
i'm sorry if i've seemed proud or like the school bitch.
i'm not,
you've gotta get to know me.
no one is cooler than the next,
no one is more popular than another.
everyone is different
some hate attention
and some bask in it

don't judge,
and don't assume people are putting on fake fronts,
pretending to be something they're not
like i said,
this isn't a masquerade
but people still wear masks
maybe you're the one wearing a mask and it's become such a part of you that you think those without masks, those real people are the ones putting on a fake front.

pauline doesn't like me
she says i have a rather proud aire
i still think she's really pretty and sweet believe it or not,
because of my first impression of her.
i think she's really nice it's just that she doesn't know me and i don't really know her.
her first impression of me was formed way before my first impression of her was.
and it's hard to change first impression

her first impression of me was a proud bitch
my first impression of her was a pretty sweet girl in harp

but at the end of the day,
don't judge a book by its cover
don't change for other people and don't make other people change for you.
that's what's important
and that's what counts the most

i know, He defines me

- xoxo
charis loves you
7:58 PM

credits

layout by chris. (:

my|ife

February 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
December 2007

my world

forgotten secrets
poetic poetry(:
honneh bunneh
mommie
sugarr
buble cuzzie:)
buu
holy guy
moooresykins
hubby private&protected
hubby
pretti zombie
boyfriend
babaye sister
dory
dark Lord
unknown wierdo
dahhlingg hippo
[blogger]
[friendster]

just for laughs
my boyfriend's a twat
overheard in New York

peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.