alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Friday, March 24, 2006

this month is so not my month.

thursday was yesterday,
well yesterday wasn't too bad.

today was sports day
i decided i'd be there
i used to wish i was in chew house
but since about primary 5 school
i've grown to love my house
so yeaa...
i just wanted to be there and cheerlead like i did last year,
and the year before that,
and the year before that,
and the year before...

well you get the picture.

when i got that and wanted to get all decor-ed up with war paint,
SA called me and curled her finger inwards,
in her usual condecending way,
indicating for me to come over to her.
i did so and she told me she didn't want me up in front cheering.

so i moved myself up,
up as in right at the top.

everyone knows,
if you can't sit right at the front and be rah rah,
sit right at the back where you can sleep.

oh fuck,
i tried but it's veryvery difficult to be enthusiastic.
finally,
after MUCH debating and looking out for SA,
i decided it would just go down and get myself war painted on in the hopes of giving my enthusiasm a boost.

of course,
being around with people i knew and having so much excitement around me,
i automatically became all hyped up.
helloooo.
forget the war paint, i didn't need that.

but yeaa anyway,
i got war painted on anyway then started cheering along wildly.
somehow in between looking out for SA
i must say,
archer was louder than always.

unresponsive,
but loud in their own right which is good.

anyway,
there came the inevitable cheer compitition for which we had won last year.
there wasn't anything planned for this year,
so we figured something out.
i wasn't keen on standing at the front, especially as SA
seemed to somehow appear to participate in the cheer competition.

i remember whispering to someone i had to get outta the front but in the end decided to stay,
because i thought,
no matter how bad a record a kid has,
it has nothing to do with her wanting to cheer her house on.
in fact,
doesn't it make it better?she actually cares about something.
i figured if she saw me up there, cheering loudly,
though against her wishes,
she'd leave me be because how can you tell someone off ad take away her enthusiasm when you're trying to get about 250 other people to be enthusiastic?

but trust her to be the one and only who's able to do that.

i heard a shout of my name and i crawled out meekly,
unlike the screaming cheerleader i had been not more than half a minute ago

"i told you not to be at the front already!"
i tried explaining but as always they don't realy care
bla bla bla.
fuck it's hard half screaming when you feel like you're just gonna cry.
she picked on my behaviour and attendence in school.
she said im not exemplary and if people see me up there they'll think
"how come she's ever in school and gets to stand in front"

first of all,
what does that have to fucking do with anything?
second of all,
no one will get upset seeing people in front.
duh.

but anyway,
i'm ot gonna get upset cos i know it's mainly my fault
stuff like that wouldn't happen
if i'd fucking been in school to begin with
and ner's saying she actually was worried and concerned.

so anyway,
i was upset that in the end i had to crawl back upstairs and be fucking annoyed with those irritating people to the right front and back of me.

in fact,
i was so anoyed that i tolf off the girls in front of me and was gonna proceed to the annoying oversized vibrator beside me but decided it'd make em think that i'm annoyed and irritated and taking it out on everyone.

stupid sec2s beside me
besides being a fucking oversized vibrator she started sharing the rice in her shaker with her friend.
and i do mean sharing,
she was soo fascinated that she could tear the can,
and she decided to put more rice into her friend's can.

pfft.
annoying

meanwhile the people behind me were...
urgh
i shan't talk about it.

so anyway,
the after meet cheered me up a lot.
like a lot.

went all out to be ah lianx
haha
complete with getting sweeties from mini toons and talking ah lian with eileen and siew hwee who i saw there.
haha

lunch and then home.
slept after bathing til 7.47pm

i think going out today was good.
and i had fun
yea
i loved it


you make me love you so much
sometimes i don't know what to do
i don't know how to feel
or what to say
and i hate it when i feel this way.
i'm lost baby,
i'm so tired and so lost
i'm missing you, but i'm pretty alone

anyway,
to conclude today in a couple of words

FUN. LOUD. CRAZY. SAD. HARSH. CONFUSED.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

- xoxo
charis loves you
9:45 PM

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peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.